What doesn’t kill us…

There’s so much I have to tell you all, and I share stories so that we can connect in different ways. One way is through similar experiences and while I wasn’t going to write about this just yet, something happened last night that I can’t get off my mind, so lets talk about it.

Way back when, maybe 11 or 12 years ago, it was a tough year for me. My custody agreement with my ex was not being honored, but there was little I could do about it. I was sad a lot and my partner was going through some things of his own so we split up and were in the process of getting our own places so we could share time with my youngest, but of course we never fought or anything severe and we were both completely dedicated to the little one, we were getting our own places in the same apartment complex. I walked a lot back then, like miles pushing the baby (who was closer to 3 than to a baby, but to me she’ll always be my baby) in a little lightweight umbrella stroller. I would take it all over, load it up with bags, then drag our happy asses home. She loved it most days and I could both walk off my feelings and get stuff done without anyone’s help.

The one downside was since we were really in the center of a busy part of town, there was a lot of streets to cross and traffic to navigate but we did well most days and on this particular day we were just finished at Kmart, bags on each of the handles, but it was a nice day and we were enjoying it. We came to our last ‘big’ road and we both probably sighed because it meant we were nearly home and we were both ready to be done for the day. We didn’t walk all the way to the crosswalk ever because it was a lot further and while busy there were breaks in the traffic. I often had people wave me across so when it happened this day I ducked my head in thanks and scurried across. I was nearly there when someone decided to swerve AROUND the person who stopped to let me by. I had a split second to prepare for impact so I pushed her stroller with all my might and she hit the curb and flipped back but nothing hit because of the bags she was just on her back pretty quick so it scared her a lot and she started screaming almost before I did as the car slammed into my left hip and sent me flying. By her own admission the driver believed she was going just about 30 when she hit me. I fully acknowledge my role in this, I should have gone to the crosswalk, but I remember rolling, hitting the ground screaming ‘my baby’ until the woman who had stopped initially told me she was fine and to stay down and I don’t remember it but they said I wouldn’t stay until the woman went and retrieved her for me and I could see she was ok. I was able to call my hubby to come and our home was a few streets away so he got there before I was loaded into the ambulance but she wouldn’t stop crying until I held her, or maybe that was me, one of us because I remember hurting but hanging onto her to calm her down. She didn’t talk then, they had diagnosed her as a nonverbal autistic so when she was inconsolable they thought it best to put us together to calm us both, but partner was there. They checked her and she was fine. I had some road rash and they could see my hip had a small chip in one of the bones and it would heal and stay off it.
It wasn’t immediate but I got better and I don’t think it affected my psyche because I continued to walk and bus everywhere for a few years. My hip isn’t 100% and has gotten worse as arthritis has set in but when it acts up I just rely on a little cane and I’m fine and have thoroughly moved in from that time in my life and never give it a second thought.

Then cue yesterday I was sitting in here taking my night time meds and watching Wheel of Fortune when I hear a noise that sounded like someone hitting our trash cans and I yelled to hubby ‘What was that?’ he didn’t have time to answer me when I jumped up and ran out to the living room, one peek out the window I saw three kids across the street they were yelling and I told hubby ‘Call 911, there was someone hit by a car’ way more calmly than I felt as I ran, bare foot out the door, not smart at all but it was as if I just willed myself across the street standing over the kid, talking to the two young girls who had seen it happen but didn’t know him. I stood over him but I couldn’t sit down by him we live on a street that gets decent traffic and I thought I needed to keep the cars away from him because we couldn’t move him off the street so I went to one side and basically pleaded with cars not to hit me as I directed them around him for what was at most 5 minutes but felt like hours. Once people were there who could do things I asked the cops if they got a hold of his parents, they said they had, I asked the girls if they needed anything, because they did SO good and had to be about the same age as him and had already been talking with him calming him and the guy who hit the kid stuck around for the cops. We actually have a camera that caught the whole thing so we made a copy and gave that to the police, but as my husband was walking me in I started shaking. I was unaware that I still had anything that would trigger such a response as I have long since moved past my accident. Its weird when you have a trauma response to something you hardly remember, but your entire body does. I went out a few more times to offer the driver of the car coats or a blanket or something but they said they were fine so I came back in and decompressed. I did tapping exercises to slow my breathing and calm myself, and didn’t cry until the kid was loaded in the ambulance just as the mom showed up and he was crying out in such pain. My heart just broke for them both as I feel like I’d rather take the hit by the car and spare my kid from it so I really empathized with both of them. According to the news he was in surgery and they said they would update as they learned more and I am kind of hoping they don’t, because if they do the results would likely be bad, if he gets better, well they don’t think good news is news most days.

I don’t have answers, I have memories and coping strategies and feel like I am fairly good in a crisis, it isnt until the crash after that makes me break down, which I think is a much better response than if I was a basket case DURING times when tensions are high. I hope the child recovers physically and emotionally from this, I’m sure it will be a long road. Anyone else out there ever been hit by a car? Does it deter you from activities you once enjoyed? In a broader sense, what are some of the mental strategies you employ in an emergency? We’re all different and how we respond is very personal but I always like to hear how others cope, maybe you have a healthier method that I’ve yet to find on my own. I’ll write more soon, maybe later today to make up for not writing yesterday, I plan, my hope is to write every day and answer every question and email so by all means, reach out, lets have some conversations. Til next time folks, be kind to yourselves