Another day older and deeper in debt…

Thats words from a song, but also quite true sometimes. I got up this morning with big plans, plans to take a deep dive into a topic I really wanted to share with you, plans that I just spaced once my ass hit the chair apparently. I’m doing this, I will be reading tomorrow and also planning time to do the research and writing I wanted to get done. I feel like I have so many ideas floating by my brain, every once in a while one breaks through the brain fog and I have it for like a minute and I’m making all these plans, then SQUIRREL

I feel like he’s going to be a mascot here. Should we name him? Does he look like a George to you too? ‘I will love him and squeeze him and call him George’ IYKYK

ANYWAY, damn it George, take off I’m trying to think here! I think I actually physically freeze now when faced with any type of decision, so yeah, thats new and not problematic AT ALL.

I sat here all day because I’m overwhelmed and this is as close as I can get to hiding in a little turtle shell rocking back and forth telling myself everything is fine. Its not, I’ll acknowledge that, it will be, and I acknowledge that too, its just a lot in the RIGHT NOW. Sometimes the best we can do is the best we can do.

My birthday is this week, which is very triggering and I’ll be crying over every cute commercial and it might have a lot to do with my freezing. I did do something today though, besides just getting out of bed, I put groceries away, did Duolingo. We are not going to be home on my birthday so I got some ribeyes and made them along with three different kinds of potatoes, because again, when facing decisions, I’m a mess lol. I don’t even know I’m doing it generally, it wasn’t until I sat down with my steak, twice baked, fries and roasted potatoes from the microwave on my plate and I was like, ok, well, at least I made the choice to not make anything else with it. Then my brain started its nonsense

DID you make a choice? It seems to me you didn’t give yourself any other options, so you just didn’t add other things to choose from. That means you made NO decisions.

See what I put up with? Ridiculous. I clearly made the choice not to give myself more choices to pick from. I combat these intrusive thoughts anywhere I can but they pop into my head without my control or consent making me feel worse and worse about myself. So after I let myself feel sorry for myself for like, a hot minute I took a nice Sunday afternoon nap, took a shower, and have been staring at this thing since about 5, so a good 3 hours of sitting here, writing a few words, erasing it, watching some fb reels, do a few surveys, remember what I intended to do. Open tabs to do them, oops, what was I doing? Where was I going?

DAMN IT GEORGE!

Just burst right into my train of thought like that!

Anyway, here I am. It wasnt an incredibly productive day but I did complete a few tasks and am ready to meet tomorrow just as bright eyed and bushy tailed as our buddy George. Things are happening behind the scenes and we’re figuring it out alone the way, trust the process. I tell myself that, but I’m going to lock it down and get shit done tomorrow (Today was a bad hip day too, the rain and moisture made it rough, and I haven’t finished telling you guys about the lingering effects from THAT whole ordeal, but its a convo for another day). Be kind to yourself, and each other and goodnight George 😉