Author: Jo

Uncategorized

Some quick housekeeping notes…

JoLeave a comment

Hi again!
So since the audience might be different than the group I had years ago I wanted to clarify and make sure we’re all on the same page. I’m going to try and not be as word-y so I apologize in advance and please let me know if I am unclear in any of this.

1. The name. WannaBeNormal. When I started years ago, I used to think that was the dream, to be a NORMAL girl with NORMAL dreams and NORMAL pursuits and relationships. I figured out pretty soon into my journey there really is no such thing as NORMAL. We all process things differently, our body chemistry while similar is not the same, and normal static average is just not a thing, we’re all on a sliding scale, and how boring would life be if we were all exactly the same? We don’t all want the same things either, some things are more important to certain people than others and we need all types of diversity to advance in society such as it is. At that point I thought about coming out with DONTWannaBeNormal, but I don’t really think that either. I just want to be the best version of me I can possibly be and help others to do the same. So if I were to name the site now it would probably be WannaBeBetter, but not in a sense, just a better me than I am, and I’m working on it.

2. I’ve always been upfront since I can be anonymous with you all about my mental health. While my bipolar is not wild and extreme, its still up and down. I was on meds that took away the highs and lows, but I felt like I felt NOTHING, and thats no way to live either. I’ve finally felt a bit more mediums the last few years and the waves are less frequent but no less severe. When I’m low, I can’t see the surface let alone find a way out, when I’m manic, its hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor at 8 in the morning. I’d love this mixed episode right now if I didn’t have such a broken body.

3. I’ve had to go off meds for various reasons, some because of how they interacted with the new heart meds I’ve needed, I had to go off pain meds because that was just no way to live and they were contributing to the death of my kidneys. My anti-anxiety had to go because the level of sedation over such a prolonged amount of time was having lasting effects. Not all meds are bad, and I still take plenty, I just started exploring other options because with each added med you get not just the meds interaction with your body chemistry you also add the drug interactions possibility. I had been actively taking something that caused something else, which I then needed meds to counteract! And no one caught it or even thought to tell me it was a possibility. STAY INFORMED AND ASK QUESTIONS! I’ve been using some more natural remedies with mostly positive reactions. Its still all about moderation and tempering and tailoring a method that works for you. While I won’t tell you how to do it, because as I said, my way simply won’t work for others who were not designed like me, I will help you figure out what works best for you. I WANT to help you figure out what works for you and find out a practical way to implement it and maintain it. I can do it in a general sense on my blog and in my videos but if you contact me directly I will help you with your specific goals. Not only would it help you, but helping people makes ME feel better too, so you’re like, almost being rude by not telling me. *pouty face that I am entirely too old to employ*, I won’t stop trying to please the masses but we all know thats impossible so helping a select few would be awesome.

4. There’s so much more I’d love to clear up for people but I have to get it in bite size pieces as do many of you as well I’m sure, too much info at once and it feels like pouring too much water in a glass. Getting too much info makes me not just not get the stuff that you try and tell me after my thoughts have veered off the road, but also the whole beginning will fly out the window just because it knows how to piss me off. My subconscious is a dick guys!

Uncategorized

What doesn’t kill us…

JoLeave a comment

There’s so much I have to tell you all, and I share stories so that we can connect in different ways. One way is through similar experiences and while I wasn’t going to write about this just yet, something happened last night that I can’t get off my mind, so lets talk about it.

Way back when, maybe 11 or 12 years ago, it was a tough year for me. My custody agreement with my ex was not being honored, but there was little I could do about it. I was sad a lot and my partner was going through some things of his own so we split up and were in the process of getting our own places so we could share time with my youngest, but of course we never fought or anything severe and we were both completely dedicated to the little one, we were getting our own places in the same apartment complex. I walked a lot back then, like miles pushing the baby (who was closer to 3 than to a baby, but to me she’ll always be my baby) in a little lightweight umbrella stroller. I would take it all over, load it up with bags, then drag our happy asses home. She loved it most days and I could both walk off my feelings and get stuff done without anyone’s help.

The one downside was since we were really in the center of a busy part of town, there was a lot of streets to cross and traffic to navigate but we did well most days and on this particular day we were just finished at Kmart, bags on each of the handles, but it was a nice day and we were enjoying it. We came to our last ‘big’ road and we both probably sighed because it meant we were nearly home and we were both ready to be done for the day. We didn’t walk all the way to the crosswalk ever because it was a lot further and while busy there were breaks in the traffic. I often had people wave me across so when it happened this day I ducked my head in thanks and scurried across. I was nearly there when someone decided to swerve AROUND the person who stopped to let me by. I had a split second to prepare for impact so I pushed her stroller with all my might and she hit the curb and flipped back but nothing hit because of the bags she was just on her back pretty quick so it scared her a lot and she started screaming almost before I did as the car slammed into my left hip and sent me flying. By her own admission the driver believed she was going just about 30 when she hit me. I fully acknowledge my role in this, I should have gone to the crosswalk, but I remember rolling, hitting the ground screaming ‘my baby’ until the woman who had stopped initially told me she was fine and to stay down and I don’t remember it but they said I wouldn’t stay until the woman went and retrieved her for me and I could see she was ok. I was able to call my hubby to come and our home was a few streets away so he got there before I was loaded into the ambulance but she wouldn’t stop crying until I held her, or maybe that was me, one of us because I remember hurting but hanging onto her to calm her down. She didn’t talk then, they had diagnosed her as a nonverbal autistic so when she was inconsolable they thought it best to put us together to calm us both, but partner was there. They checked her and she was fine. I had some road rash and they could see my hip had a small chip in one of the bones and it would heal and stay off it.
It wasn’t immediate but I got better and I don’t think it affected my psyche because I continued to walk and bus everywhere for a few years. My hip isn’t 100% and has gotten worse as arthritis has set in but when it acts up I just rely on a little cane and I’m fine and have thoroughly moved in from that time in my life and never give it a second thought.

Then cue yesterday I was sitting in here taking my night time meds and watching Wheel of Fortune when I hear a noise that sounded like someone hitting our trash cans and I yelled to hubby ‘What was that?’ he didn’t have time to answer me when I jumped up and ran out to the living room, one peek out the window I saw three kids across the street they were yelling and I told hubby ‘Call 911, there was someone hit by a car’ way more calmly than I felt as I ran, bare foot out the door, not smart at all but it was as if I just willed myself across the street standing over the kid, talking to the two young girls who had seen it happen but didn’t know him. I stood over him but I couldn’t sit down by him we live on a street that gets decent traffic and I thought I needed to keep the cars away from him because we couldn’t move him off the street so I went to one side and basically pleaded with cars not to hit me as I directed them around him for what was at most 5 minutes but felt like hours. Once people were there who could do things I asked the cops if they got a hold of his parents, they said they had, I asked the girls if they needed anything, because they did SO good and had to be about the same age as him and had already been talking with him calming him and the guy who hit the kid stuck around for the cops. We actually have a camera that caught the whole thing so we made a copy and gave that to the police, but as my husband was walking me in I started shaking. I was unaware that I still had anything that would trigger such a response as I have long since moved past my accident. Its weird when you have a trauma response to something you hardly remember, but your entire body does. I went out a few more times to offer the driver of the car coats or a blanket or something but they said they were fine so I came back in and decompressed. I did tapping exercises to slow my breathing and calm myself, and didn’t cry until the kid was loaded in the ambulance just as the mom showed up and he was crying out in such pain. My heart just broke for them both as I feel like I’d rather take the hit by the car and spare my kid from it so I really empathized with both of them. According to the news he was in surgery and they said they would update as they learned more and I am kind of hoping they don’t, because if they do the results would likely be bad, if he gets better, well they don’t think good news is news most days.

I don’t have answers, I have memories and coping strategies and feel like I am fairly good in a crisis, it isnt until the crash after that makes me break down, which I think is a much better response than if I was a basket case DURING times when tensions are high. I hope the child recovers physically and emotionally from this, I’m sure it will be a long road. Anyone else out there ever been hit by a car? Does it deter you from activities you once enjoyed? In a broader sense, what are some of the mental strategies you employ in an emergency? We’re all different and how we respond is very personal but I always like to hear how others cope, maybe you have a healthier method that I’ve yet to find on my own. I’ll write more soon, maybe later today to make up for not writing yesterday, I plan, my hope is to write every day and answer every question and email so by all means, reach out, lets have some conversations. Til next time folks, be kind to yourselves

Uncategorized

For those that need introductions…

JoLeave a comment

Hi! I don’t know what brings you to my corner of the internet but WELCOME! Don’t know why you’re here but glad you found me!
So HELLO! I’m Jo and I run this racket. If any of you have seen the youtube videos, this is me now lol. I’m sorry I fell off the world for a number of years, my youngest was non-verbal autistic so I took time to work with her on that, then things just kept happening. I’d have a serious consideration for a post, then life would knock me back on my ass as if to tell me I had no business standing up and talking with any kind of authority or conviction. So if I’m a little unsteady on my baby deer legs forgive me and give me a minute, I’m back and committed to spreading hope, help, love and healing.
By way of introductions, I am a new me anyway. If you knew and liked the old me then hold on the new me is even better, with stronger coping strategies and a healing soul. Its been a rough few years, but I’m still here
So what are the plans for this site? Well it largely depends on if I find my people again, or maybe some new ones, who want to come along on this journey and realize we are not alone in what we are going through. What are we going through? Well, lets start the laundry list, play along won’t you?

  • Bipolar Disorder- You didn’t think we’d be leaving that old bitch in the tail lights in this lifetime did you? If you did there’s a bridge I want to sell you LOL. We are safe, med controlled, still have my manic moments and boy howdy do I get the lows. So low sometimes I feel like I’m drowning but the water’s surface is RIGHT THERE but I can’t get to it. I’ve done the work in therapy and continue to try, but I’m nowhere near normal, and as we discussed in the old blog, I’m happy not to be. I’ll always be weird, at this point I’m not sure I’d change it but it would really be awesome if I could have an on off switch, or a pause button? Those would be helpful.
  • Fibromyalgia- Guys, she’s been with me since the early 2000’s! I couldn’t do this without her at this point. I’m a lot more in control with my meds and diet and I actually do get a decent amount of physical activity in. I’ve trained myself to get better sleep and it works about 75% of the time, which as you know, helps me by refilling my spoons so I might be able to get more done with the time and attention I can devote to my pursuits. I still hurt more often than not. I still smile even when I don’t feel like it, and I still listen to my body and most times even when I hurt I can compartmentalize and manage the hurt. I follow the latest treatments and breakthroughs but as we all know, there’s no cure so managing is the best we can do, some days are better than others.
  • CKD – Look who decided to join the party!!! The year was 2019, He caught my eye across the crowded dance floor and I couldn’t look away *heart eyes* OK, so I’m romanticizing it a bit. What actually happened was I was at the doctor for regular blood work and to change antidepressants to one that didn’t make me put on weight, since putting on too much weight makes fibro pain even worse, and the doctor breezes in saying ‘So they told you about the CKD right?’ *blinks and one eye twitches* Who told me what now? I’m sorry, YOU are the doctor, who would have told me and when would I have been told? Needless to say I’d had it for the last few blood draws (all under her referral and reporting back to her for the findings) and since learning and researching largely on my own, I’ve brought my numbers up slightly, I’m never without my water bottle and I am confident that while its not something that will go away, I am controlling it with diet and exercise.
  • Anxiety/OCD – These guys aren’t new, but they were much more manageable before. Its fine most of the time, but they trap me in my head frequently now that I’ve sworn off the bad stuff. It sounds like I’m going backwards, and valid, however the meds I took before numbed me to the point that I just checked out. I don’t want to miss whole chunks of my life anymore so I’m in a bit more pain but I’m also HERE and a lot more conscious of whats going on around me.

Those are the illnesses I’m still suffering with, a few more emergencies that have weaseled their way into my fragile grip on my peace. I was hit by a car as a pedestrian, that was some fun stuff. My uterus decided it was not happy in its comfy home so it gave me all manner of trouble until I was able to get it removed. I have battled the same demons I’ve already mentioned until I was so beaten down and broken that my heart decided it was done too and it made me sick to where I couldn’t eat for nearly a year without throwing up. After a year of doctors and hospitals and puking so much I was ready to wave the white flag in defeat, my heart stopped beating. Thank goodness my partner knows CPR and had just gotten home from work and heard me collapse. I was dead. Three doctors told my partner I wasn’t waking up. Apparently they underestimated my will to be a thorn in the side of society as a whole because I woke up. And I’ve been getting better ever since.
I think this is a good start! I’m back now. Lets catch up, tell me how you’ve been, I’m going to get more into the kids and the struggles I’ve had in other areas of my life, this was just to get back out and to say hi to all those who might be struggling right now. I see you. You’re not alone. We’ll get through this, lets do it together, it’ll be more fun this way lol.

https://joknowscreations.etsy.com