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Well staying past your welcome is just plain disrespectful…

JoLeave a comment

I think you can judge by the title what kind of day its been. You probably don’t want or need to hear how the palms of my hands are burning, but I’m going to tell you anyway, because I don’t have to fake smile with you. You don’t need me to be strong. You don’t need me to make responsible decisions. I LIKE that about you so thank you to the one person skimming this with their cereal while doing the crossword, I appreciate you. (Is it raisin bran? You seem like a raising bran person. I am a raisin bran person so I can spot my fellow raisin fans. But I’m also feeling corn flakes and fruit loops and so there’s room for error LOL). We’ll get into that too, the scrolling while doing a crossword and eating cereal. I feel you, I have to keep myself busy too. Its neurodivergence and we will discuss it in great detail once I can form words. I really should write these in the morning before the brain fog machine starts cranking, but nothing has happened by then generally. I’d write about the previous day’s activities but my day gets blurry when I look back. There’s a sweet spot I’m sure I just haven’t found it yet.

So I didn’t do much, one load of laundry, vacuum, dinner, exercise that’s the extent of it. Lots of inside my own head and reflections and spent a bit with monkey just watching tv. Now sitting here I’m getting this weird pain in my chest scaring myself but I’m sure its nothing, I’m a hypochondriac. I know this about me so its likely just a panic attack and I’m perpetuating it worrying about what and why I’m worried about it, I’m telling you its a math riddle I’m not even sure I could do the math and I’m the one who wrote the problem lol.

Anyway, I am proud of myself for making it though the monotony. If nothing else I’m always proud of myself even for just getting up as well as incredibly grateful I’m blessed to be here and breathe this air today.
I wanted to see if I could talk for a minute about the pain I’m experiencing. Maybe one of you has something similar, they all suck so in no particular order
MY HIP: Ok so there is a clear hierarchy on the pain in my body and hip decided to take point on this one. It feels as if there are electrical wires as my nerve endings and every time I hit it just right BLINDING pain. Its been this way for a while and will have me on the floor in a second if that hits. Nothing helps. Its been happening for over a year and my doc just throws up her hands and shrugs and says ‘that’s fibro?’ I get it but having been having extreme symptoms for over a year, maybe we try something else? She talked about shots and I’d consider it but I’ve read some not great things about it and I’m only putting myself through that if a higher percent of cases are a lot better.
Burning in palms and soles of feet: So this one is fairly new. I don’t know how else to explain it other than it feels like those, are they called thistles? Like soft thin thorns under my skin. It burns like poison. I don’t know what they are, but I can’t help but think this and the electrical shock pains seem like they could be the results of a pinched nerve

“Road Fog” by Ksenia Kudelkina/ CC0 1.0


THE FOG: The never ending roll after roll of thought stealing mist that is blanketing my area. I don’t think I can explain it better than that and I think if you get it my analogy would work well describing it. Simple words I have been saying all my life won’t come to mind when I need them. Under this header you can also find ‘walking into a room and having no idea why I went in there so I start doing something else, stay busy all day, and only remember when I’m laying down to sleep that I never got the thing I went in there to get. Often several times. Also, losing total track of your point minutes in to a conversation, like as you are speaking, the words evaporate like Thanos snapping his fingers. I heard a comedian’s description once and it was spot on. My brain hears some things it can’t properly process and decides to go on a little walk about. Yup, my brain doesn’t understand what its hearing so it gives up, only a short time later it catches up and wants to say something but the convo is already on something totally different.
The exhaustion: Like enough said. But its not just feeling tired all the time, its feeling tired of this or that. A lackadaisical why bother kind of vibe. I’m just so over everything.
Wide spread tender points: they all suck. Also super sensitive to tastes, smells, noise.

That’s just the fibro. We’ll talk more about mania tomorrow. Maybe. We’ll see if it pisses me off

How about you guys? Anyone have anything to add to the list? It sucks and I am proud of you for getting up and battling it. I’m going to crash, take care of yourself and each other.

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Ok, one of these things has to stop

JoLeave a comment

Ok, it was fun for a minute. It was. I love when I first start being manic, especially after a long depression. I even like it at the beginning of the mixed episodes, its always helpful to get the bursts of energy and inspiration, but see, that’s generally as far as it gets me. I have used every single one of my spoons this week, hand washed them and used them again faster than I could restock them. I have started a lot of projects, I’ve even finished a few (case in point this website, go me!) but I’m just so wiped out!
But my brain is like’ ‘yeah sleep is cool and all but have you ever thought about having an existential crisis? Like for real, whats its all for?’

I don’t know damn it but I don’t think its a 2 am never sleep again problem.

‘Well it is now bitch, enjoy!’



Then today, I had a big thing planned that I wanted to get done. Do you want to know what got done? I went to feed my cat, before I got all invested in a new project. Opened the closet door and couldn’t remember what I went in there for so on autopilot because I can’t sit still I ripped out my dresser drawers and dumped everything. I rolled up all my underwear in one drawer, my bras into another, then the third I allocated to tank tops.

Side note, serious question, what do you guys put in drawers and what gets hung up? This is the third combo I have tried, I don’t wear socks often so I don’t have a lot of them so they aren’t getting their own drawer. Everything else gets hung up or folded and put on a shelf because I like everything out in the open so I can see whats clean, also sometimes if I don’t see it I forget I have it so I end up buying more of something.

So now, that’s clean why am I complaining? Well because I didn’t get what was originally on the agenda finished, or even started, because once I went off on the adventure of cleaning and rearranging it was a train that could not be stopped.

Then, it happened. I looked up and I was sitting in the middle of my closet, my bed was covered, the floor had piles of clothing I’d carefully picked up and folded, or was in a pile to put on a hanger, everything was going great and I was finding a home for everything and then that’s when I realized, I was just DONE. Like I thought I could seriously pass out right when I was because I had lost all my spoons! Like I started today with a deficit of spoons, which was why I’d planned to do other things, things that didn’t require me to go anywhere or do anything. I have hurt myself a number of ways this week, I just wanted to rest and let my body take a breath.

But it was not meant to be, I was mid-mess! So I finished up, not even going to lie, I didn’t go to autopilot but I certainly did a half assed job of it just to be done with it, which just means now I’ll have to redo it and now my closet IS really messy, because all I could do was throw those stacks of clothes right in there and shut the door, I am leaving it for future me to deal with but the overwhelming exhaustion snuck up on me and ambushed me. I know you can’t tell, but I’m very disappointed in myself.

So mania, I love you, I do, you are a fixture of my soul and I wouldn’t be me without you, but could you PLEASE, PLEASE take a small little rest, not a lot because I’d miss you but a little weekend off so I could finish, like, even just ONE of the projects I started I would be ever so grateful. Or, and follow me on this one, maybe my fibro could ease up for FIVE DAMN MINUTES, then me and my mania could go full out flip the house upside down and inside out and clean everything there is to clean? I would take either/or. In fact how about we turn the pain and exhaustion down to like a seven? I think I could get things done at a seven, ideally it would be a zero or one but you know, begging and choosing and all that. So more content is coming, engaging and thought provoking content, I hope anyway, until then if you need me I’ll be wide awake staring at the ceiling or curled into the fetal position into another mess of my own making lol. Be kind to yourself, and each other!

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Can I just get it popped back to normal like Barbie?

JoLeave a comment

Guys, I’m sorry, yesterday was CRAZY. It was my birthday which I told you about, but we also had our kid’s track meet, which if you’ve never been (because I hadn’t been. Not sure if you could tell this about me but one might say I have the athleticism and grace of a newborn giraffe on roller skates, so I did not participate in sports in high school) takes about 4 years hours and involves a lot of time waiting for it to be your kid’s event while kids stomp up and down the bleachers and there’s at least 4 other kids screaming then a small handful with their heads together giggling while there’s conversations simultaneously in every direction and your brain seems to latch on to a single word from each one of them collectively making NO fucking sense, bu… GEORGE!

We have to have some ground rules Sir, this is not sustainable. I’m here to tell a story, to make someone laugh even for a minute. You can’t keep interrupting me, its rude and disrespectful of these poor folks time.

Anyway, so before we went I wanted to zone for a bit and I figured I’d do the lawn, nice and sunny and before the heat of the day. All week I knew where I was going to go for birthday dinner. I was going to say the name but if the wrong person reads it I could be liable, I’ll have to research that. We’ll just say it was a BBQ place that I had been looking forward to going to for two weeks, it wasn’t as good as I remembered. Well, so it was already a low spoon day, I thought mowing might ‘recharge’ me since it does help me mentally. It did not. So I was almost out before we got there, but you know the drill, you soldier on. Then I had to walk. I had to walk far. SO far guys. Then METAL bleachers! I mean the nope’s were piling up.

I’m on a new med because of the eye (I don’t know if I showed you but I have something like a stye on my eye and we are trying the meds for three months to see if it responds.) I was told it might make me a little more sensitive to the sun. I was ill prepared for that situation too as it turns out, but at least that was easily rectified as daughter had sunscreen. I applied it too late of course so I felt every inch of me tighten. NOT A GOOD PLAN AHEAD-ER. I did wear a hat so I was kind of prepared, however, I neglected to consider my neck would be exposed. So I didn’t apply sunscreen. So yeah, today was maybe a 11 on the pain scale today. I’m finally coming out of it, I can tell when I’m on the upswing, no more down, in the words of T-Pain ‘we goin up!’
I’m concerned about my hip. Its pretty well constant pain now, and I get these blinding white hot flashes that will knock me down, so I’ve been debating getting shots, I know people who have had positive effects and those that had negative effects. Also this convo, it was hubby and I talking about it for the fiftieth time

I don’t know why it hurts so bad

Could it have anything to do with how you sit?

Why? I just sit normal

DO YOU though?

(that was all pics from today but all the way I normally sit. I almost always sit with one of my feet under me and yeah he’s not wrong lol)
So today was a recovery day all in all it was good, just a bit too much pain for my liking. I did discover something dangerous yesterday. Braums has dreamsicle shakes! Well its just orange sherbet and vanilla ice cream they don’t call it dreamsicle, its just half vanilla and half sherbet shake.
After I was able to sit down tonight I just found myself staring blindly somewhere in the general vicinity of the tv, nothing really notable but gang, listen to your body. Follow its cues. It will leave you so much happier at the end of the day. No one can know how you feel but you. I read somewhere theres a good percentage of people who go through life without any headaches. Thats UNFATHOMABLE to me. I bet something that was a 2 or 3 on a spoonie’s pain scale would be a 10 to them, they’d probably think they were dying. We are all different, perceive things different, experience things different. Til next time gang, take care of yourself, and each other.

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…. survey says… FLARE!

JoLeave a comment

Hey gang. I don’t have much to say today because today is a heavy pain day but I think tomorrow will be better. Well it will be because I said so and its my birthday and I intend to make it my bitch. Pain be damned I have shit to do! I even got whipped cream because I was going to make myself some birthday cupcakes, but I forgot to get the cupcakes. You know what’s really good? Apple cinnamon whipped cream, you make it with, DAMNIT GEORGE

Anyway, with my flare kicking my ass I haven’t been mustering up the energy to do anything other than put my head down and survive the last few days. I had plans to mow the yard but had to be alone this afternoon and we try and make sure he’s here if I’m outside. I might try for it tomorrow morning, which I know is dumb to do on my birthday but it gives me a deep sense of peace.
My leg/hip is the main source of problems. Its the side that took the brunt of the impact from the car accident, but its more front of my thigh. Its so weird, there’s got to be exposed nerves in there. As anyone with fibro will tell you, we’re limited in options of what even has a chance of working, but I’ve purposely limited my choices further. I’ve recently found that any ache or new pain I have brought to my doctors attention has gone very similar to this:
So, what brings you here today

Well I have a new ache, its (there’s a number but we’ll use my leg for this example), its usually at maybe a 2 or 3, like enough of an ache in the background to notice, but not to do anything about but recently it hasn’t gone below a 5 and will frequently jump up to a white hot eleven with no notice and its so severe I will fall down because of it, like just an absolute blinding pain, almost like somethings brushing against a nerve’

I swear she didn’t even look up, just nodded and put info into a chart.

Yes, I’m sorry, that’s part of fibro from what I understand, have you tried ice or this med or that or a combo…

Look ma’am I’ve had fibro for 16 years, I KNOW fibro pain, this is NEW.
Its fine. She’s probably right. I just feel like I’m not being heard and it adds to the pain and frustration until I’m walking around like a boiling tea kettle. But we’re managing. We got up. We ate something. We made a number of new products and we researched how to make 10 more.
Progress, any meaningful progress anyway, doesn’t happen over night, but it happens. I know this. I have seen it. I’ve done it. Just keep pushing forward my friends, its all we can do. Every once and a while reach your hand out, whether in need to or offer assistance, people care. You matter.
Tomorrow will be a good day. Til next time, stay kind to yourselves and each other.

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The lies our brains tell…

Jo2 Comments

Ok guys I’m just getting comfortable in front of the camera again, but I wanted to do a video today, and I wasnt doing it without a filter and the tech is new to me at this point so I gotta figure out the logistics and such. Its very choppy because of the medium I was trying to talk slower but you can tell its only in like 10 second clips. Partner suggested a different way and I’ll try that next time. The point of my video is if your brain always makes you feel like people hate you, you are not alone. We’ll support each other and learn how to make our brain shut up together

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Another day older and deeper in debt…

JoLeave a comment

Thats words from a song, but also quite true sometimes. I got up this morning with big plans, plans to take a deep dive into a topic I really wanted to share with you, plans that I just spaced once my ass hit the chair apparently. I’m doing this, I will be reading tomorrow and also planning time to do the research and writing I wanted to get done. I feel like I have so many ideas floating by my brain, every once in a while one breaks through the brain fog and I have it for like a minute and I’m making all these plans, then SQUIRREL

I feel like he’s going to be a mascot here. Should we name him? Does he look like a George to you too? ‘I will love him and squeeze him and call him George’ IYKYK

ANYWAY, damn it George, take off I’m trying to think here! I think I actually physically freeze now when faced with any type of decision, so yeah, thats new and not problematic AT ALL.

I sat here all day because I’m overwhelmed and this is as close as I can get to hiding in a little turtle shell rocking back and forth telling myself everything is fine. Its not, I’ll acknowledge that, it will be, and I acknowledge that too, its just a lot in the RIGHT NOW. Sometimes the best we can do is the best we can do.

My birthday is this week, which is very triggering and I’ll be crying over every cute commercial and it might have a lot to do with my freezing. I did do something today though, besides just getting out of bed, I put groceries away, did Duolingo. We are not going to be home on my birthday so I got some ribeyes and made them along with three different kinds of potatoes, because again, when facing decisions, I’m a mess lol. I don’t even know I’m doing it generally, it wasn’t until I sat down with my steak, twice baked, fries and roasted potatoes from the microwave on my plate and I was like, ok, well, at least I made the choice to not make anything else with it. Then my brain started its nonsense


DID you make a choice? It seems to me you didn’t give yourself any other options, so you just didn’t add other things to choose from. That means you made NO decisions.


See what I put up with? Ridiculous. I clearly made the choice not to give myself more choices to pick from. I combat these intrusive thoughts anywhere I can but they pop into my head without my control or consent making me feel worse and worse about myself. So after I let myself feel sorry for myself for like, a hot minute I took a nice Sunday afternoon nap, took a shower, and have been staring at this thing since about 5, so a good 3 hours of sitting here, writing a few words, erasing it, watching some fb reels, do a few surveys, remember what I intended to do. Open tabs to do them, oops, what was I doing? Where was I going?

DAMN IT GEORGE!

Just burst right into my train of thought like that!

Anyway, here I am. It wasnt an incredibly productive day but I did complete a few tasks and am ready to meet tomorrow just as bright eyed and bushy tailed as our buddy George. Things are happening behind the scenes and we’re figuring it out alone the way, trust the process. I tell myself that, but I’m going to lock it down and get shit done tomorrow (Today was a bad hip day too, the rain and moisture made it rough, and I haven’t finished telling you guys about the lingering effects from THAT whole ordeal, but its a convo for another day). Be kind to yourself, and each other and goodnight George 😉

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Gotta say it was a good day…

JoLeave a comment

Good evening (evening, evening, evening echoed the void). Some days joy abounds in the crazy ups and downs on this wild ride, other days its about getting by. I woke not expecting anything great, and boy did I live up to those expectations lol. It was a good day though. I learned a lot working on some other projects and I got several products I designed on the Etsy site. Worried myself sick over things I could do nothing about. Immediately forgot why I was panicking mid panic, then just when my breath went back to normal remembering what it was and working myself up into a really good panic before forgetting AGAIN. Cycle repeated at least four times until I dug the heel of my hands into my eyes. I swear I wasted at least the better part of two hours frozen in the repeated jump scare. Laughed at a ton of crazy cat videos. Had some pizza.

I don’t feel like I accomplished much but what did I do most of the day? I laid down for not even an hour. Had plenty of ideas for future projects. This is the grabby hands phase of my mania. Gimme gimme gimme, give me ALL the side quests so I don’t have to face what I’ve been avoiding. Gimme gimme gimme money for all of these side quests, Gimme gimme gimme all the praise for these JACKPOT amazeballs ideas. Greedy as all get out and tripping over my own feet trying not to be such a narcissist and only think about myself, actively get angry at myself thus directing all my own attention to trying not to be a narcissist, which is like, the definition of being a narcissist. I’ve exhausted my brain and once I do that my body soon follows. I think today is the last REALLY bad storm threat so maybe the air pressure will regulate. Til tomorrow friends, stay kind to yourselves and each other.

recipes

Chicken Tacos

JoLeave a comment

First up, a family favorite from way back. These are not tacos, and they aren’t fajitas, its the best of both, so fajaco? Tajitas? I’m sure there are better names for it, but my family has always gone with chicken tacos. And they are SO easy, and you can make them even easier! Ok here we go:
You’ll need a frying pan, a sauce pan and a spatula or slotted spoon:
1 lb chicken breast
1 onion, small diced
1 pepper sliced
1 can of petite diced tomatoes
Ro-Tel
tortillas
2 cups minute rice
sprinkle cheese as needed
Super easy – Slice and dice the chicken breast then fry on medium high for maybe 10 minutes. I’m bad with time I typically go by sight and the sponginess as I’m pushing it around in the pan. Once its cooked through you add the fresh veggies stirring through out until the onions soften and become kind of translucent.
Then you add the tomatoes and turn the water on for the minute rice
When the water boils you dump the rice in for five minutes, continuing to stir your meat and veggies.
Then we do a taco bar and everyone fixes their own but the only CORRECT way (lol) to make Chicken tajitas (fajacos? I don’t know) is a thin layer of cheese, layer of rice, thin layer of cheese, meat and veg mix, fold and done.
Now, ways to cheat and make this easier
I sometimes will get a rotisserie chicken from Walmart, but even if I were to make one myself, I never eat it all on the first day and this is a brilliant way to use left overs.
Frozen veggies- skip the cutting, you can use frozen veggies, they even have a blend of onion and pepper. If you go this route start with the veggies and add the meat once the veggies are soft, you need to cook it some because there’s a lot of water in them so boil as much of it off as you can.
boil in a bag rice – skip the mess and clean up.
I don’t have a way to get the nutritional info on this, which means I should maybe have checked it first, but like I said, judge it by the taste, and its amazing. Anyone who makes this let me know what you add or take out to make it your own and what you thought of it. Til next time (when I will hopefully be more prepared) be kind to yourselves, and each other!

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I made it out of bed…

JoLeave a comment

Good evening you fine folks, or good whatever time of day this finds you. I’m not going to go on too much tonight because I actually thought of something helpful I can add, in a little bit. Following yesterday, today I didnt feel AS broken when I got up, but the weather has been doing me in, we are getting storms and the pressure on my head most of the day has been intense. I hate that I’m someone who can tell the weather without hearing or seeing it now. Anyway, I got out of bed. I made dinner, poked around and folded clothes. Just cleaned up a bit, flooding in the cellar from all the rain and we are in for more rain and strong storms. I showered, I laid with the cats for a bit. I danced. Monkey had the day off so it was very much like a three day weekend. The fog is strong today and I can’t seem to shake it. Did the grocery order and folded three baskets of laundry. It doesn’t feel like a lot and you know what? That’s OKAY. Its okay to have limits of what you can do and be kind to yourself, and honestly, what better week to take it easy than my birthday weekend? If I HAVE to get older I’m milking this f*ker for all its worth, so its birthday WEEK now. And logistical question, when your birthday falls dead center of the week on a Wednesday which weekend do you celebrate it on, the one before or after? You know what? Anyone who made it past 30 deserves TWO birthday weekends, this I decree. But as for today, I made it out of bed. I’m clean, I’m full, all is good and I’ll be ready to rock this bitch tomorrow. Until then, be kind to yourselves and each other!

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Flare, illness or other…

JoLeave a comment

Good Morning ladies and gents, it is time for one of my least favorite games (its right up there with heart attack panic attack or the unexplained electrical issue coming to take you and finish the job they’ve been working on for more than ten years).
Yesterday morning I got up, nursed my coffee and didn’t do much until lunch time. I was working on a chore chart for kiddo, she already does chores this is just about accountability. I made the turkey burger helper that kiddo wanted, started a load of laundry, divided up the food into portions to make reheating easier, then wanted to mow so I could zone and its supposed to rain today and I hadn’t gotten the grass seed out so I went down and grabbed the battery to put it in the mower only to find that I had not put it on the charger, same with the weed eater. Ok, I still had the rake handy and felt like I needed the sunlight. I got out there and tried to loosen all that soil to get it prepped for the grass seed. Still feeling ok, trade out the rake for the mower. I had put the battery on the charger earlier and I figured sure its not full but there’s probably enough charge in there to get the very front corner of the yard which is where a majority of the grass seed needs to be spread. I spread the seed then raked again. Maybe halfway through I started feeling a recent new bothersome symptom, little electric pulses, kind of like shivers on the inside, Then I tried to contort myself to side stepping down the hill and I felt the BLINDING split second pain in my hip, which is my inside scar in my hip, it feels like bones rubbing together. So I decided that was my call to pack it up for the night so inside I went, hip pain was what I’d call ‘sore, more of an ache’ whereas the blinding pain is split second and more of a white burning sharp poke inside. Also new, my palms and bottoms of my feet hurt and feel like they are burning.
So I went inside and took my shower but I was just DONE sat on my heating pad all night and accomplished jack shit but today I feel like a train hit me. Hands and feet burning, hip hurting so bad I’m actually sweating because of it, (if you’ve ever felt that kind of pain I promise it will make sense to one of you). I am continually gaslighting myself saying its no big deal. Also I am exhausted. I will be able to nap after my alarm clock duties, but I am achy and exhausted and whiny and just want to stop and acknowledge it. The reason why I acknowledge it is to treat it or to let it go. I’m hurting because I did too much and didn’t listen to my body. I know the best course of action is to take it easy today. I do, I know this…

BUT even though I’m smart enough to know this, know the truth of it, have lived it in the past, my brain also is telling me ‘shut up, its fine, walk it off, dance it off, you need to move bitch, your skin is crawling, this that and the other thing needs your time and attention or they will cease to exist’ I feel like waking up this morning and getting my family up used ALL my spoons. I am exhibiting classic manic behavior and would probably benefit from some type of tranquilizer, but as I previously mentioned, went off A LOT of meds that were doing more harm than good to me. I will not tell you what to do, but I will tell you all that I’ve done with my own treatment and you do you, I don’t advocate and am not paid by anyone, talk to your doc about anything and everything I say. Its rare, but I’ve been wrong lol its been known to happen. If you take one thing away from my experiences, use my research to ask your doctor about, because I will say this until I am blue in the face OUR BODIES ALL HAVE DIFFERENT CHEMISTRY AND BALANCE, DOWN TO THE MINUTE LITTLE INCONSISTENCIES AND WE ALL REACT DIFFERENTLY TO DIFFERENT THINGS. WHAT WORKED FOR ME MIGHT NOT WORK FOR YOU AND VICE VERSA.

My mania has made it almost painful to sit here and not do things. I’m fooling my brain into thinking we ARE doing something, we are putting thoughts to ‘paper’. Let me tell you my mania and you can make your own definition of degree.

– I have two browsers open, and two windows on each. I was going to count tabs open, but the one I mainly use for youtube or music has 57 tabs. FIFTY SEVEN. That’s one window. There are three more. All the tabs are thoughts I’ve had that I want to get back to and not forget. Just thinking of all of them open makes my eye twitch.

– Some of the tabs in the other windows are Amazon with all different things that I heard about or thought I MIGHT need. Some even have them in my cart. This is dangerous because my rational self knows I blow through money on needless shit when I’m manic and I can’t afford to do that. BUT what if I do actually NEED it?

– HYPERFOCUS It can be a good thing. I managed to get the drive to get my site back and start it up again. BUT as my mania wears on it splinters off and I’m juggling multiple hyper fixations, its untenable and leads to deep feelings of failure and depression. Like my little Etsy store

– Some unhealthy/inconvenient habits have emerged. I will not bore you with details, especially about the more ‘unsavory’ ones, but my OCD is insane, I’ll be going about my day and decide oh, I need to do this. Then an undetermined time later I find myself knee deep in cleaning something that I walked by and decided was dirty. Today it was my vacuum cleaner. To be clear, I WAS vacuuming, that’s what I got it out for, then my body was just on cruise or auto until I come back a few minutes later sitting next to my vacuum with a wet soapy towel. Did it need it? Probably. Did it need it RIGHT NOW while I woke up feeling like somebody ran me over in my dreams? Probably not.

– There’s all manner of miscommunication going on in my brain. Neurons misfiring. I can see this in so many ways. On the outside I’m going from task to task, singing, dancing, moving, smiling even, but you are not hearing the inner dialogue (monologue? All the voices in all the arguments are my voices lol so I don’t know what that counts as) I sent two family members texts yesterday and they didn’t answer. They don’t like me/ only put up with me because they feel obligated. They are together somewhere laughing at what an idiot I am for thinking they care. I AM an idiot, why would anyone care about me? Whats my contribution to their life, I don’t blame them for laughing at me/hating me/ being done with me. What if they died? Would anyone even tell you? What if YOU died, would they care? CONSTANT CONSTANT CONSTANT FOR HOURS ON END then the watch buzzes.

“Oh hey, sorry I was caught up with something whats up with you?” – 3 hours later, 90% of the time
-My partner actually gave me some insight after watching me struggle with this and it blew my mind because 1. He’s right and 2. I understand what he means now and its improved our lives so much. He said ‘you know this is like bringing me in mid-conversation.’ We both know I do this now and I’m working on it and he’s understanding since we know where both of us are coming from now
– Also, time passes different for me sometimes I blink and its Friday and some days its endlessly Wednesday, but when I text someone, either I will obsess to the point of insanity and watching each minute pass with no response, or I will make up imaginary scenarios in my head, but if I find a side quest, I will forget when where why how and what, and then the message is like a little gift. Even though I sent one first if I don’t remember it. its brand new!


Ok I think I’m going to leave this here I will no doubt think of more manic things, but its safe to say I’m making reckless decisions in one of several areas of my life and those decisions are having a kind of build up, whipping everything into a frenzy that I have no idea how to regain control of. It is what it is and I will deal with it but its daunting, so if anyone else is going through this, has gone through it, you are not alone!
I gotta go for now I have some tabs to close LOL but be kind to yourselves and each other!