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A bit about sarcasm and the role of sardonic wit in our self care tool kit…

JoLeave a comment

I was planning on a different topic for today but guys, I HURT. I was very dumb. Went to the little one’s track meet and applied sunscreen in the car. We’d been there about two hours when I started getting UNCOMFORTABLY hot on my legs. About an hour after that, I tell hubby I think I am burning and we get to the shade but damage was done and I’m so red, and SWOLLEN! I even took Ibu (not cool with the CKD but sporadic use should be ok.) So I needed to research laughing, to remind myself of its existence and that it wont hurt like this forever lol.

So, in the wild ride of managing fibromyalgia and bipolar disorder, self-care isn’t just a luxury—it’s a necessity. However,as with most of the challenges we face as chronic illness patients, our solution isnt going to look like everyone’s solution. We have to take each self care tip and tweak it, bend it like we’re working clay, shape it into a mold that fits our goals and our realistic expectations This is where the unexpected hero, sarcasm, comes into play.

Research has shown that humor, including sarcasm which is a personal favorite of mine, can be a powerful coping mechanism for individuals navigating the complexities of chronic conditions like fibromyalgia and bipolar disorder. Studies indicate that humor can provide numerous psychological and physiological benefits, from reducing stress and anxiety to boosting mood and resilience. It’s not just about sharing a laugh; it’s about finding moments of levity amidst the pain and chaos, reclaiming a sense of control in a situation that often feels overwhelming. Laughing has a very unique way of replenishing my spoons. I’ll be just DONE and something so absurd or silly happens and I find myself getting the energy to handle my shit.

For many of us, sarcasm isn’t just a form of humor—it’s a language of survival. It’s the witty retort we offer when faced with yet another flare-up or mood swing. It’s the ironic commentary we make to cope with the absurdity of our circumstances. Like truly ‘if I don’t laugh, I’ll cry’ moments. Sarcasm becomes a tool for self-expression, a way to assert our identity and reclaim power in moments when it feels like our bodies and minds are betraying us. Making someone laugh is a balm for me, maybe I CAN’T laugh, when I make someone else laugh I can’t help but to join in no matter how much I hurt.

Personally, I’ve found that incorporating sarcasm into my self-care routine has been both liberating and empowering. When the pain flares up and the depressive fog descends, sarcasm becomes my armor, shielding me from the weight of my symptoms. My friends and family think I’m having a good day, when in reality I feel like I’m coming out of my skin. Its only acceptable to hide from the world and cry under your desk in the fetal position for a limited amount of time. It’s not about denying the reality of my conditions; it’s about refusing to let them define me entirely.

You know, one of the coolest things about sarcasm is how it can turn the most ordinary moments into chances to crack up and bond. Like, picture this: you’re swapping sarcastic memes with other spoonies, or you’re joking about the utter ridiculousness of dealing with medical red tape. It’s like this secret language we share, right? It brings us together, helps us feel less alone in the chaos of chronic illness. It’s like saying, “Hey, I get it, and I’m right there with you.

Of course, sarcasm isn’t a cure all, and there are times when a good laugh won’t magically erase the pain or stabilize my mood. But by integrating sarcasm into my self-care toolkit, I’ve learned to embrace the messy, imperfect journey of living with chronic illness. It’s about finding joy amidst the pain, reclaiming my power in a world that often feels beyond my control. So, here’s to the healing power of sarcasm—may we always find reasons to laugh, even when the odds are stacked against us.
Til next time gang, be kind to yourself and each other

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Can I just get it popped back to normal like Barbie?

JoLeave a comment

Guys, I’m sorry, yesterday was CRAZY. It was my birthday which I told you about, but we also had our kid’s track meet, which if you’ve never been (because I hadn’t been. Not sure if you could tell this about me but one might say I have the athleticism and grace of a newborn giraffe on roller skates, so I did not participate in sports in high school) takes about 4 years hours and involves a lot of time waiting for it to be your kid’s event while kids stomp up and down the bleachers and there’s at least 4 other kids screaming then a small handful with their heads together giggling while there’s conversations simultaneously in every direction and your brain seems to latch on to a single word from each one of them collectively making NO fucking sense, bu… GEORGE!

We have to have some ground rules Sir, this is not sustainable. I’m here to tell a story, to make someone laugh even for a minute. You can’t keep interrupting me, its rude and disrespectful of these poor folks time.

Anyway, so before we went I wanted to zone for a bit and I figured I’d do the lawn, nice and sunny and before the heat of the day. All week I knew where I was going to go for birthday dinner. I was going to say the name but if the wrong person reads it I could be liable, I’ll have to research that. We’ll just say it was a BBQ place that I had been looking forward to going to for two weeks, it wasn’t as good as I remembered. Well, so it was already a low spoon day, I thought mowing might ‘recharge’ me since it does help me mentally. It did not. So I was almost out before we got there, but you know the drill, you soldier on. Then I had to walk. I had to walk far. SO far guys. Then METAL bleachers! I mean the nope’s were piling up.

I’m on a new med because of the eye (I don’t know if I showed you but I have something like a stye on my eye and we are trying the meds for three months to see if it responds.) I was told it might make me a little more sensitive to the sun. I was ill prepared for that situation too as it turns out, but at least that was easily rectified as daughter had sunscreen. I applied it too late of course so I felt every inch of me tighten. NOT A GOOD PLAN AHEAD-ER. I did wear a hat so I was kind of prepared, however, I neglected to consider my neck would be exposed. So I didn’t apply sunscreen. So yeah, today was maybe a 11 on the pain scale today. I’m finally coming out of it, I can tell when I’m on the upswing, no more down, in the words of T-Pain ‘we goin up!’
I’m concerned about my hip. Its pretty well constant pain now, and I get these blinding white hot flashes that will knock me down, so I’ve been debating getting shots, I know people who have had positive effects and those that had negative effects. Also this convo, it was hubby and I talking about it for the fiftieth time

I don’t know why it hurts so bad

Could it have anything to do with how you sit?

Why? I just sit normal

DO YOU though?

(that was all pics from today but all the way I normally sit. I almost always sit with one of my feet under me and yeah he’s not wrong lol)
So today was a recovery day all in all it was good, just a bit too much pain for my liking. I did discover something dangerous yesterday. Braums has dreamsicle shakes! Well its just orange sherbet and vanilla ice cream they don’t call it dreamsicle, its just half vanilla and half sherbet shake.
After I was able to sit down tonight I just found myself staring blindly somewhere in the general vicinity of the tv, nothing really notable but gang, listen to your body. Follow its cues. It will leave you so much happier at the end of the day. No one can know how you feel but you. I read somewhere theres a good percentage of people who go through life without any headaches. Thats UNFATHOMABLE to me. I bet something that was a 2 or 3 on a spoonie’s pain scale would be a 10 to them, they’d probably think they were dying. We are all different, perceive things different, experience things different. Til next time gang, take care of yourself, and each other.

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Another day older and deeper in debt…

JoLeave a comment

Thats words from a song, but also quite true sometimes. I got up this morning with big plans, plans to take a deep dive into a topic I really wanted to share with you, plans that I just spaced once my ass hit the chair apparently. I’m doing this, I will be reading tomorrow and also planning time to do the research and writing I wanted to get done. I feel like I have so many ideas floating by my brain, every once in a while one breaks through the brain fog and I have it for like a minute and I’m making all these plans, then SQUIRREL

I feel like he’s going to be a mascot here. Should we name him? Does he look like a George to you too? ‘I will love him and squeeze him and call him George’ IYKYK

ANYWAY, damn it George, take off I’m trying to think here! I think I actually physically freeze now when faced with any type of decision, so yeah, thats new and not problematic AT ALL.

I sat here all day because I’m overwhelmed and this is as close as I can get to hiding in a little turtle shell rocking back and forth telling myself everything is fine. Its not, I’ll acknowledge that, it will be, and I acknowledge that too, its just a lot in the RIGHT NOW. Sometimes the best we can do is the best we can do.

My birthday is this week, which is very triggering and I’ll be crying over every cute commercial and it might have a lot to do with my freezing. I did do something today though, besides just getting out of bed, I put groceries away, did Duolingo. We are not going to be home on my birthday so I got some ribeyes and made them along with three different kinds of potatoes, because again, when facing decisions, I’m a mess lol. I don’t even know I’m doing it generally, it wasn’t until I sat down with my steak, twice baked, fries and roasted potatoes from the microwave on my plate and I was like, ok, well, at least I made the choice to not make anything else with it. Then my brain started its nonsense


DID you make a choice? It seems to me you didn’t give yourself any other options, so you just didn’t add other things to choose from. That means you made NO decisions.


See what I put up with? Ridiculous. I clearly made the choice not to give myself more choices to pick from. I combat these intrusive thoughts anywhere I can but they pop into my head without my control or consent making me feel worse and worse about myself. So after I let myself feel sorry for myself for like, a hot minute I took a nice Sunday afternoon nap, took a shower, and have been staring at this thing since about 5, so a good 3 hours of sitting here, writing a few words, erasing it, watching some fb reels, do a few surveys, remember what I intended to do. Open tabs to do them, oops, what was I doing? Where was I going?

DAMN IT GEORGE!

Just burst right into my train of thought like that!

Anyway, here I am. It wasnt an incredibly productive day but I did complete a few tasks and am ready to meet tomorrow just as bright eyed and bushy tailed as our buddy George. Things are happening behind the scenes and we’re figuring it out alone the way, trust the process. I tell myself that, but I’m going to lock it down and get shit done tomorrow (Today was a bad hip day too, the rain and moisture made it rough, and I haven’t finished telling you guys about the lingering effects from THAT whole ordeal, but its a convo for another day). Be kind to yourself, and each other and goodnight George 😉

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Flare, illness or other…

JoLeave a comment

Good Morning ladies and gents, it is time for one of my least favorite games (its right up there with heart attack panic attack or the unexplained electrical issue coming to take you and finish the job they’ve been working on for more than ten years).
Yesterday morning I got up, nursed my coffee and didn’t do much until lunch time. I was working on a chore chart for kiddo, she already does chores this is just about accountability. I made the turkey burger helper that kiddo wanted, started a load of laundry, divided up the food into portions to make reheating easier, then wanted to mow so I could zone and its supposed to rain today and I hadn’t gotten the grass seed out so I went down and grabbed the battery to put it in the mower only to find that I had not put it on the charger, same with the weed eater. Ok, I still had the rake handy and felt like I needed the sunlight. I got out there and tried to loosen all that soil to get it prepped for the grass seed. Still feeling ok, trade out the rake for the mower. I had put the battery on the charger earlier and I figured sure its not full but there’s probably enough charge in there to get the very front corner of the yard which is where a majority of the grass seed needs to be spread. I spread the seed then raked again. Maybe halfway through I started feeling a recent new bothersome symptom, little electric pulses, kind of like shivers on the inside, Then I tried to contort myself to side stepping down the hill and I felt the BLINDING split second pain in my hip, which is my inside scar in my hip, it feels like bones rubbing together. So I decided that was my call to pack it up for the night so inside I went, hip pain was what I’d call ‘sore, more of an ache’ whereas the blinding pain is split second and more of a white burning sharp poke inside. Also new, my palms and bottoms of my feet hurt and feel like they are burning.
So I went inside and took my shower but I was just DONE sat on my heating pad all night and accomplished jack shit but today I feel like a train hit me. Hands and feet burning, hip hurting so bad I’m actually sweating because of it, (if you’ve ever felt that kind of pain I promise it will make sense to one of you). I am continually gaslighting myself saying its no big deal. Also I am exhausted. I will be able to nap after my alarm clock duties, but I am achy and exhausted and whiny and just want to stop and acknowledge it. The reason why I acknowledge it is to treat it or to let it go. I’m hurting because I did too much and didn’t listen to my body. I know the best course of action is to take it easy today. I do, I know this…

BUT even though I’m smart enough to know this, know the truth of it, have lived it in the past, my brain also is telling me ‘shut up, its fine, walk it off, dance it off, you need to move bitch, your skin is crawling, this that and the other thing needs your time and attention or they will cease to exist’ I feel like waking up this morning and getting my family up used ALL my spoons. I am exhibiting classic manic behavior and would probably benefit from some type of tranquilizer, but as I previously mentioned, went off A LOT of meds that were doing more harm than good to me. I will not tell you what to do, but I will tell you all that I’ve done with my own treatment and you do you, I don’t advocate and am not paid by anyone, talk to your doc about anything and everything I say. Its rare, but I’ve been wrong lol its been known to happen. If you take one thing away from my experiences, use my research to ask your doctor about, because I will say this until I am blue in the face OUR BODIES ALL HAVE DIFFERENT CHEMISTRY AND BALANCE, DOWN TO THE MINUTE LITTLE INCONSISTENCIES AND WE ALL REACT DIFFERENTLY TO DIFFERENT THINGS. WHAT WORKED FOR ME MIGHT NOT WORK FOR YOU AND VICE VERSA.

My mania has made it almost painful to sit here and not do things. I’m fooling my brain into thinking we ARE doing something, we are putting thoughts to ‘paper’. Let me tell you my mania and you can make your own definition of degree.

– I have two browsers open, and two windows on each. I was going to count tabs open, but the one I mainly use for youtube or music has 57 tabs. FIFTY SEVEN. That’s one window. There are three more. All the tabs are thoughts I’ve had that I want to get back to and not forget. Just thinking of all of them open makes my eye twitch.

– Some of the tabs in the other windows are Amazon with all different things that I heard about or thought I MIGHT need. Some even have them in my cart. This is dangerous because my rational self knows I blow through money on needless shit when I’m manic and I can’t afford to do that. BUT what if I do actually NEED it?

– HYPERFOCUS It can be a good thing. I managed to get the drive to get my site back and start it up again. BUT as my mania wears on it splinters off and I’m juggling multiple hyper fixations, its untenable and leads to deep feelings of failure and depression. Like my little Etsy store

– Some unhealthy/inconvenient habits have emerged. I will not bore you with details, especially about the more ‘unsavory’ ones, but my OCD is insane, I’ll be going about my day and decide oh, I need to do this. Then an undetermined time later I find myself knee deep in cleaning something that I walked by and decided was dirty. Today it was my vacuum cleaner. To be clear, I WAS vacuuming, that’s what I got it out for, then my body was just on cruise or auto until I come back a few minutes later sitting next to my vacuum with a wet soapy towel. Did it need it? Probably. Did it need it RIGHT NOW while I woke up feeling like somebody ran me over in my dreams? Probably not.

– There’s all manner of miscommunication going on in my brain. Neurons misfiring. I can see this in so many ways. On the outside I’m going from task to task, singing, dancing, moving, smiling even, but you are not hearing the inner dialogue (monologue? All the voices in all the arguments are my voices lol so I don’t know what that counts as) I sent two family members texts yesterday and they didn’t answer. They don’t like me/ only put up with me because they feel obligated. They are together somewhere laughing at what an idiot I am for thinking they care. I AM an idiot, why would anyone care about me? Whats my contribution to their life, I don’t blame them for laughing at me/hating me/ being done with me. What if they died? Would anyone even tell you? What if YOU died, would they care? CONSTANT CONSTANT CONSTANT FOR HOURS ON END then the watch buzzes.

“Oh hey, sorry I was caught up with something whats up with you?” – 3 hours later, 90% of the time
-My partner actually gave me some insight after watching me struggle with this and it blew my mind because 1. He’s right and 2. I understand what he means now and its improved our lives so much. He said ‘you know this is like bringing me in mid-conversation.’ We both know I do this now and I’m working on it and he’s understanding since we know where both of us are coming from now
– Also, time passes different for me sometimes I blink and its Friday and some days its endlessly Wednesday, but when I text someone, either I will obsess to the point of insanity and watching each minute pass with no response, or I will make up imaginary scenarios in my head, but if I find a side quest, I will forget when where why how and what, and then the message is like a little gift. Even though I sent one first if I don’t remember it. its brand new!


Ok I think I’m going to leave this here I will no doubt think of more manic things, but its safe to say I’m making reckless decisions in one of several areas of my life and those decisions are having a kind of build up, whipping everything into a frenzy that I have no idea how to regain control of. It is what it is and I will deal with it but its daunting, so if anyone else is going through this, has gone through it, you are not alone!
I gotta go for now I have some tabs to close LOL but be kind to yourselves and each other!

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What doesn’t kill us…

JoLeave a comment

There’s so much I have to tell you all, and I share stories so that we can connect in different ways. One way is through similar experiences and while I wasn’t going to write about this just yet, something happened last night that I can’t get off my mind, so lets talk about it.

Way back when, maybe 11 or 12 years ago, it was a tough year for me. My custody agreement with my ex was not being honored, but there was little I could do about it. I was sad a lot and my partner was going through some things of his own so we split up and were in the process of getting our own places so we could share time with my youngest, but of course we never fought or anything severe and we were both completely dedicated to the little one, we were getting our own places in the same apartment complex. I walked a lot back then, like miles pushing the baby (who was closer to 3 than to a baby, but to me she’ll always be my baby) in a little lightweight umbrella stroller. I would take it all over, load it up with bags, then drag our happy asses home. She loved it most days and I could both walk off my feelings and get stuff done without anyone’s help.

The one downside was since we were really in the center of a busy part of town, there was a lot of streets to cross and traffic to navigate but we did well most days and on this particular day we were just finished at Kmart, bags on each of the handles, but it was a nice day and we were enjoying it. We came to our last ‘big’ road and we both probably sighed because it meant we were nearly home and we were both ready to be done for the day. We didn’t walk all the way to the crosswalk ever because it was a lot further and while busy there were breaks in the traffic. I often had people wave me across so when it happened this day I ducked my head in thanks and scurried across. I was nearly there when someone decided to swerve AROUND the person who stopped to let me by. I had a split second to prepare for impact so I pushed her stroller with all my might and she hit the curb and flipped back but nothing hit because of the bags she was just on her back pretty quick so it scared her a lot and she started screaming almost before I did as the car slammed into my left hip and sent me flying. By her own admission the driver believed she was going just about 30 when she hit me. I fully acknowledge my role in this, I should have gone to the crosswalk, but I remember rolling, hitting the ground screaming ‘my baby’ until the woman who had stopped initially told me she was fine and to stay down and I don’t remember it but they said I wouldn’t stay until the woman went and retrieved her for me and I could see she was ok. I was able to call my hubby to come and our home was a few streets away so he got there before I was loaded into the ambulance but she wouldn’t stop crying until I held her, or maybe that was me, one of us because I remember hurting but hanging onto her to calm her down. She didn’t talk then, they had diagnosed her as a nonverbal autistic so when she was inconsolable they thought it best to put us together to calm us both, but partner was there. They checked her and she was fine. I had some road rash and they could see my hip had a small chip in one of the bones and it would heal and stay off it.
It wasn’t immediate but I got better and I don’t think it affected my psyche because I continued to walk and bus everywhere for a few years. My hip isn’t 100% and has gotten worse as arthritis has set in but when it acts up I just rely on a little cane and I’m fine and have thoroughly moved in from that time in my life and never give it a second thought.

Then cue yesterday I was sitting in here taking my night time meds and watching Wheel of Fortune when I hear a noise that sounded like someone hitting our trash cans and I yelled to hubby ‘What was that?’ he didn’t have time to answer me when I jumped up and ran out to the living room, one peek out the window I saw three kids across the street they were yelling and I told hubby ‘Call 911, there was someone hit by a car’ way more calmly than I felt as I ran, bare foot out the door, not smart at all but it was as if I just willed myself across the street standing over the kid, talking to the two young girls who had seen it happen but didn’t know him. I stood over him but I couldn’t sit down by him we live on a street that gets decent traffic and I thought I needed to keep the cars away from him because we couldn’t move him off the street so I went to one side and basically pleaded with cars not to hit me as I directed them around him for what was at most 5 minutes but felt like hours. Once people were there who could do things I asked the cops if they got a hold of his parents, they said they had, I asked the girls if they needed anything, because they did SO good and had to be about the same age as him and had already been talking with him calming him and the guy who hit the kid stuck around for the cops. We actually have a camera that caught the whole thing so we made a copy and gave that to the police, but as my husband was walking me in I started shaking. I was unaware that I still had anything that would trigger such a response as I have long since moved past my accident. Its weird when you have a trauma response to something you hardly remember, but your entire body does. I went out a few more times to offer the driver of the car coats or a blanket or something but they said they were fine so I came back in and decompressed. I did tapping exercises to slow my breathing and calm myself, and didn’t cry until the kid was loaded in the ambulance just as the mom showed up and he was crying out in such pain. My heart just broke for them both as I feel like I’d rather take the hit by the car and spare my kid from it so I really empathized with both of them. According to the news he was in surgery and they said they would update as they learned more and I am kind of hoping they don’t, because if they do the results would likely be bad, if he gets better, well they don’t think good news is news most days.

I don’t have answers, I have memories and coping strategies and feel like I am fairly good in a crisis, it isnt until the crash after that makes me break down, which I think is a much better response than if I was a basket case DURING times when tensions are high. I hope the child recovers physically and emotionally from this, I’m sure it will be a long road. Anyone else out there ever been hit by a car? Does it deter you from activities you once enjoyed? In a broader sense, what are some of the mental strategies you employ in an emergency? We’re all different and how we respond is very personal but I always like to hear how others cope, maybe you have a healthier method that I’ve yet to find on my own. I’ll write more soon, maybe later today to make up for not writing yesterday, I plan, my hope is to write every day and answer every question and email so by all means, reach out, lets have some conversations. Til next time folks, be kind to yourselves