Tag: bipolar

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Anything executive does NOT sound like something I’d say… though the DYSfunction, yeah that tracks…

JoLeave a comment

Tonight lets talk about something that affects me in each one of my health issues, and many others, chances are if you are reading this it will resonate with you deep down, and all I can say is ‘I feel ya’.

Executive dysfunction refers to the brain’s delightful way of screwing up the cognitive processes that let you plan, focus, remember instructions, and juggle multiple tasks without losing your mind. These processes are crucial for, you know, actually getting stuff done and functioning like a semi-competent human being. When executive dysfunction kicks in, it can manifest in all sorts of fun ways, like having the working memory of a goldfish, the cognitive flexibility of a brick, the inhibitory control of a toddler, and the decision-making skills of a squirrel on caffeine.

(I know, I’m sorry George, just trying to make other people understand what its like to be you. I know you are a good boy and stay away from caffeine)

Fibromyalgia patients often get the short end of the stick with executive dysfunction, which can royally fuck up their daily lives. Studies show that folks with fibromyalgia perform about as well as a drunk turtle on tasks that measure executive functions like updating, shifting, inhibition, decision-making, and planning. Imagine trying to switch between different sets of rules or stop automatic responses when your brain feels like it’s been run over by a truck. This cognitive impairment is often linked to the severity of pain, psychiatric comorbidities, and other delightful variables like body mass index (BMI) and sleep disturbances. Basically, the brain areas involved in both pain processing and executive functions decide to throw a party, but forget to invite cognitive resources.

Individuals with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) also get to enjoy the rollercoaster of executive dysfunction. This can show up as difficulties with planning, flexibility, and inhibitory control. Picture an autistic person trying to switch tasks or adapt to new routines—it’s like asking a cat to take a bath. They might also struggle with organizing their thoughts and actions, which can turn completing tasks into a Herculean effort. Executive dysfunction in autism can add a lovely layer of complexity to the social and communication difficulties that are already part of the package, making it even harder to understand and respond to social cues.

Executive dysfunction is basically the middle name of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Individuals with ADHD often have the working memory of a sieve, the inhibitory control of a sugar-high kid, and the cognitive flexibility of a rusty hinge. This can lead to a spectacular mess of disorganized tasks, half-finished projects, and impulsive decisions that make you wonder if they have a death wish. For instance, someone with ADHD might start a dozen projects but finish none, or act on a whim without considering the fallout. These executive function deficits can turn academic, occupational, and social functioning into a daily struggle, making it a challenge to meet the demands of life without constant chaos.

During manic episodes, individuals with bipolar disorder can experience executive dysfunction on steroids. This might include making decisions that are about as well-thought-out as a drunk text, poor impulse control, and planning skills that make you question their sanity. For example, someone in a manic state might blow their life savings on a whim or engage in risky behaviors without a second thought. They may also have the attention span of a gnat, making it impossible to focus on tasks or follow through with plans. These executive function impairments can turn managing bipolar disorder into a circus act, with stability being the elusive tightrope walker.

Executive dysfunction is the brain’s way of throwing a wrench into the lives of those with fibromyalgia, autism, ADHD, and bipolar disorder. It screws with their ability to plan, organize, and execute tasks, leading to a daily struggle to function. Understanding the specific ways executive dysfunction manifests in these conditions can help in developing targeted interventions to improve cognitive functioning and overall quality of life. Because let’s face it, everyone deserves a fighting chance to get their shit together. We need to help each other out, especially reach out if you are struggling, we’re all swimming against the current. Til next time gang, take care of yourselves, and each other!

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New month new problems…

JoLeave a comment

Well not new, but now that fibro awareness month has passed and I’ve given you all a month of details about how shitty that is, lets talk about something else for a few days, its cool guys I have PLENTY of topics to discuss, today lets talk a bit about Bipolar. I’ve had Bipolar for longer than I’ve had fibro, but it always takes the backseat until it hits an extreme. I’m currently in the wild throes of a mixed episode, which means I’m as unpredictable as a bucking bronco at the rodeo after chugging a case of Red Bull. One second I’m crying hysterically, the next I’m trying to lasso and ride the ceiling fan.


My bipolar is like a pinball machine from hell – my brain is the shiny silver ball, ricocheting around at breakneck speeds. The flashing lights are my manic episodes, when I go careening off the paddles of mania, bouncing erratically with frenetic energy. Those paddles smash me from one extreme to the other, never letting me settle.

During the depressive lows, it’s like I get trapped in those draining holes and alleys at the bottom of the machine, the ball stuck in a dark void. I’ll roll listlessly for a while until the mania kicks back in, launching me back into the neon chaos. Thwack! There I go, pinging off the bumpers of delusion and grandiosity. Boing! Now I’m ricocheting off the impulse control ramp straight into a high-risk bender.

All the while, those bipolar mood swings work the flippers, smashing me back and forth between the extreme highs and lows. The tilt sensors are permanently triggered – one little nudge and I go wildly veering off course into an unstable episode. Half the time I’m draining down the hole of suicidal thoughts, the other half I’m smashing into the mania jackpot of reckless benders and bizarre schemes.

It’s a never-ending barrage of bright frantic mania, dark depressive corners, and jarring transitions in between. The only consistent thing is that I’m a pinball being beaten around my bipolar machine’s twisted playground of emotional extremes. The flippers are always primed to send me ricocheting in some manic new direction…until the game inevitably tilts into its next cycle. I go long periods of time in the dark, but I have to always remember there’s light on the other side of it at some point. Even if no one reads this, then 20 yrs from now its stumbled upon and one person feels just a little bit more understood and a little less alone, it’ll have been worth feeling it so I can for one second relate when someone feels their loneliest. Til next time guys, take care of yourselves, and each other.

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Ok, so we’ll try…

JoLeave a comment

Ok, its three and I want to write, lets see how this works out lol.
I said we were going to talk about Mania today, and in a way we will. Its also like talking about the way our brains lie.


I’m manic. I know that. Its a proven fact. But for anyone who thinks of mania as happy, I respectfully disagree.

So what is mania to ME (everyone’s body chemistry is different and mania might look different on you, I’m only speaking about my own experiences).

Mania is my brain on overload. This will make someones eye twitch but I have three screens up. One I’m typing this on, next to me youtube is open on a video I was dancing to a few minutes ago. Its paused so I can continue dancing to it (Too Sweet by Hozier if you are wondering) when I’m done or at 3:50 so I can get my steps in. My top monitor is discord, my kindle is directly next to my hand open to the book I’m reading. And beyond that the tv is on and its an episode I haven’t seen before. Drives hubby crazy when I do this but I can pay enough attention to get the gist of it, and I periodically stop and stare at it forgetting everything else I am doing. And I just did it again, I did my steps watched SVU then sat back down now I need to get back into story telling mode. George has the damn zoomies today I swear.

So now its 3:30. But I’m focused.

Ok so mania to me is, I can’t stop. My brain is already four sentences ahead of me. That’s not always terrible. Annoying, but not always terrible. I think it gives me golden retriever energy (think, comin’ at you with happy but persistent love. smothering you with it). Filling the silence with my own voice, and I HATE my own voice, so I try and drown it out with all kinds of STUFF, from writing here, to catching up on shows and books to chatting, I try and keep at least two things going on inside my brain.

Why? Why not let the thoughts come you may ask. Its a fair question. My answer is that nine out of ten times those thoughts are negative and destructive. They are intrusive and while I used to take in all those bad thoughts, sit with them, probe them, scratch at them, chew on them until I could decide why I felt the way I felt and where the thoughts were spawning from. I can’t do that any more. No one can hate me more than I hate my past self, but that’s where I have to stop. Hating myself for my past mistakes gets me nowhere. Until a Delorean pulls up in front of my home and tells me to hop in, I’m stuck living with what my past self did and how she was. That’s not sustainable. I can’t live in the past. So I fumble and forge ahead with all the grace of a lumbering elephant.


So the multiple screens and such to keep my brain busy so I don’t get any of the REAL BAD intrusive thoughts. These I’m sure many are familiar with. I’m a truly terrible person for what I said to this person that day. Irredeemable who cares its been 15 years, I am a bad person, I deserve to feel this alone, why would ANYONE put up with my quirks, who do I think I am? What purpose do I serve? Am I worth the air I breathe? I’m useless and I’m taking up space/attention/time of someone who has much better things to do.


Do I need to go on? Frankly even just saying that the thoughts are in there is like a little win. I know my heart is good. I know (intellectually) that I am loved. But you see how they attack like that? Like I’ll just be sitting here and forget something and the inner voice comes out ‘you’re so dumb bitch you were JUST thinking a thought, its not important just like you’re not’ then I hear that inner monologue and its like WHOA HARSH! PIPE YOUR LITTLE SELF DOWN RIGHT NOW MISSY! HERE SING NOVEMBER RAIN WHILE I DIG UP A MEMORY FROM 1998 THAT YOU CAN RELIVE AND ANALYZE THE SHIT OUT OF. That ought to keep you busy.

Even when I don’t THINK I’m having them I have them, if someone doesn’t answer a call or a text within like 2 hrs my brain starts analyzing every single interaction wondering what I said or did wrong.

I wish I had the drive and focus to do half the ideas that float by my brain when I’m like this, and I say float because that’s what happens, float, hover, kiss but never really fully fleshing out an idea in my head. Now I have some awesome ‘i’s, and some amazing ‘id’s on occasion but not the real full ‘IDEAS‘, I can’t hold it in my brain long enough to think about them or I bet they would be some doozies that would change the world.

Part of the time I even know its going to happen, I know I can’t change it, so I hold on for the ride. I can be talking to you, looking at you, full on engaged in the conversation I probably even initiated, and my brains like OOPS WE ARE FULL NO MORE ROOM AT THE INN, TRY ME AGAIN AFTER NAP TIME.

It happens so many times hubby says he can see it in my eyes lol now.

I hate that I feel this way, its like an itch just under my skin that I can’t get to. Thing is, I SEE EXACTLY why I am ‘too much’ for others, half the time I’m too much for myself, so I don’t blame people for not liking me. Still hurts but I see their point.

Anyway, that’s just my experience with mania and intrusive thoughts, I’d love to hear about yours, and how you shut up the voice constantly telling you that you suck. You are amazing and I’m glad you are not listening to them, you are cared for and loved and we need you here to anyone who needed to hear it. Til tomorrow guys, be kind to yourself and each other.

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Ok, one of these things has to stop

JoLeave a comment

Ok, it was fun for a minute. It was. I love when I first start being manic, especially after a long depression. I even like it at the beginning of the mixed episodes, its always helpful to get the bursts of energy and inspiration, but see, that’s generally as far as it gets me. I have used every single one of my spoons this week, hand washed them and used them again faster than I could restock them. I have started a lot of projects, I’ve even finished a few (case in point this website, go me!) but I’m just so wiped out!
But my brain is like’ ‘yeah sleep is cool and all but have you ever thought about having an existential crisis? Like for real, whats its all for?’

I don’t know damn it but I don’t think its a 2 am never sleep again problem.

‘Well it is now bitch, enjoy!’



Then today, I had a big thing planned that I wanted to get done. Do you want to know what got done? I went to feed my cat, before I got all invested in a new project. Opened the closet door and couldn’t remember what I went in there for so on autopilot because I can’t sit still I ripped out my dresser drawers and dumped everything. I rolled up all my underwear in one drawer, my bras into another, then the third I allocated to tank tops.

Side note, serious question, what do you guys put in drawers and what gets hung up? This is the third combo I have tried, I don’t wear socks often so I don’t have a lot of them so they aren’t getting their own drawer. Everything else gets hung up or folded and put on a shelf because I like everything out in the open so I can see whats clean, also sometimes if I don’t see it I forget I have it so I end up buying more of something.

So now, that’s clean why am I complaining? Well because I didn’t get what was originally on the agenda finished, or even started, because once I went off on the adventure of cleaning and rearranging it was a train that could not be stopped.

Then, it happened. I looked up and I was sitting in the middle of my closet, my bed was covered, the floor had piles of clothing I’d carefully picked up and folded, or was in a pile to put on a hanger, everything was going great and I was finding a home for everything and then that’s when I realized, I was just DONE. Like I thought I could seriously pass out right when I was because I had lost all my spoons! Like I started today with a deficit of spoons, which was why I’d planned to do other things, things that didn’t require me to go anywhere or do anything. I have hurt myself a number of ways this week, I just wanted to rest and let my body take a breath.

But it was not meant to be, I was mid-mess! So I finished up, not even going to lie, I didn’t go to autopilot but I certainly did a half assed job of it just to be done with it, which just means now I’ll have to redo it and now my closet IS really messy, because all I could do was throw those stacks of clothes right in there and shut the door, I am leaving it for future me to deal with but the overwhelming exhaustion snuck up on me and ambushed me. I know you can’t tell, but I’m very disappointed in myself.

So mania, I love you, I do, you are a fixture of my soul and I wouldn’t be me without you, but could you PLEASE, PLEASE take a small little rest, not a lot because I’d miss you but a little weekend off so I could finish, like, even just ONE of the projects I started I would be ever so grateful. Or, and follow me on this one, maybe my fibro could ease up for FIVE DAMN MINUTES, then me and my mania could go full out flip the house upside down and inside out and clean everything there is to clean? I would take either/or. In fact how about we turn the pain and exhaustion down to like a seven? I think I could get things done at a seven, ideally it would be a zero or one but you know, begging and choosing and all that. So more content is coming, engaging and thought provoking content, I hope anyway, until then if you need me I’ll be wide awake staring at the ceiling or curled into the fetal position into another mess of my own making lol. Be kind to yourself, and each other!

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I made it out of bed…

JoLeave a comment

Good evening you fine folks, or good whatever time of day this finds you. I’m not going to go on too much tonight because I actually thought of something helpful I can add, in a little bit. Following yesterday, today I didnt feel AS broken when I got up, but the weather has been doing me in, we are getting storms and the pressure on my head most of the day has been intense. I hate that I’m someone who can tell the weather without hearing or seeing it now. Anyway, I got out of bed. I made dinner, poked around and folded clothes. Just cleaned up a bit, flooding in the cellar from all the rain and we are in for more rain and strong storms. I showered, I laid with the cats for a bit. I danced. Monkey had the day off so it was very much like a three day weekend. The fog is strong today and I can’t seem to shake it. Did the grocery order and folded three baskets of laundry. It doesn’t feel like a lot and you know what? That’s OKAY. Its okay to have limits of what you can do and be kind to yourself, and honestly, what better week to take it easy than my birthday weekend? If I HAVE to get older I’m milking this f*ker for all its worth, so its birthday WEEK now. And logistical question, when your birthday falls dead center of the week on a Wednesday which weekend do you celebrate it on, the one before or after? You know what? Anyone who made it past 30 deserves TWO birthday weekends, this I decree. But as for today, I made it out of bed. I’m clean, I’m full, all is good and I’ll be ready to rock this bitch tomorrow. Until then, be kind to yourselves and each other!

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Flare, illness or other…

JoLeave a comment

Good Morning ladies and gents, it is time for one of my least favorite games (its right up there with heart attack panic attack or the unexplained electrical issue coming to take you and finish the job they’ve been working on for more than ten years).
Yesterday morning I got up, nursed my coffee and didn’t do much until lunch time. I was working on a chore chart for kiddo, she already does chores this is just about accountability. I made the turkey burger helper that kiddo wanted, started a load of laundry, divided up the food into portions to make reheating easier, then wanted to mow so I could zone and its supposed to rain today and I hadn’t gotten the grass seed out so I went down and grabbed the battery to put it in the mower only to find that I had not put it on the charger, same with the weed eater. Ok, I still had the rake handy and felt like I needed the sunlight. I got out there and tried to loosen all that soil to get it prepped for the grass seed. Still feeling ok, trade out the rake for the mower. I had put the battery on the charger earlier and I figured sure its not full but there’s probably enough charge in there to get the very front corner of the yard which is where a majority of the grass seed needs to be spread. I spread the seed then raked again. Maybe halfway through I started feeling a recent new bothersome symptom, little electric pulses, kind of like shivers on the inside, Then I tried to contort myself to side stepping down the hill and I felt the BLINDING split second pain in my hip, which is my inside scar in my hip, it feels like bones rubbing together. So I decided that was my call to pack it up for the night so inside I went, hip pain was what I’d call ‘sore, more of an ache’ whereas the blinding pain is split second and more of a white burning sharp poke inside. Also new, my palms and bottoms of my feet hurt and feel like they are burning.
So I went inside and took my shower but I was just DONE sat on my heating pad all night and accomplished jack shit but today I feel like a train hit me. Hands and feet burning, hip hurting so bad I’m actually sweating because of it, (if you’ve ever felt that kind of pain I promise it will make sense to one of you). I am continually gaslighting myself saying its no big deal. Also I am exhausted. I will be able to nap after my alarm clock duties, but I am achy and exhausted and whiny and just want to stop and acknowledge it. The reason why I acknowledge it is to treat it or to let it go. I’m hurting because I did too much and didn’t listen to my body. I know the best course of action is to take it easy today. I do, I know this…

BUT even though I’m smart enough to know this, know the truth of it, have lived it in the past, my brain also is telling me ‘shut up, its fine, walk it off, dance it off, you need to move bitch, your skin is crawling, this that and the other thing needs your time and attention or they will cease to exist’ I feel like waking up this morning and getting my family up used ALL my spoons. I am exhibiting classic manic behavior and would probably benefit from some type of tranquilizer, but as I previously mentioned, went off A LOT of meds that were doing more harm than good to me. I will not tell you what to do, but I will tell you all that I’ve done with my own treatment and you do you, I don’t advocate and am not paid by anyone, talk to your doc about anything and everything I say. Its rare, but I’ve been wrong lol its been known to happen. If you take one thing away from my experiences, use my research to ask your doctor about, because I will say this until I am blue in the face OUR BODIES ALL HAVE DIFFERENT CHEMISTRY AND BALANCE, DOWN TO THE MINUTE LITTLE INCONSISTENCIES AND WE ALL REACT DIFFERENTLY TO DIFFERENT THINGS. WHAT WORKED FOR ME MIGHT NOT WORK FOR YOU AND VICE VERSA.

My mania has made it almost painful to sit here and not do things. I’m fooling my brain into thinking we ARE doing something, we are putting thoughts to ‘paper’. Let me tell you my mania and you can make your own definition of degree.

– I have two browsers open, and two windows on each. I was going to count tabs open, but the one I mainly use for youtube or music has 57 tabs. FIFTY SEVEN. That’s one window. There are three more. All the tabs are thoughts I’ve had that I want to get back to and not forget. Just thinking of all of them open makes my eye twitch.

– Some of the tabs in the other windows are Amazon with all different things that I heard about or thought I MIGHT need. Some even have them in my cart. This is dangerous because my rational self knows I blow through money on needless shit when I’m manic and I can’t afford to do that. BUT what if I do actually NEED it?

– HYPERFOCUS It can be a good thing. I managed to get the drive to get my site back and start it up again. BUT as my mania wears on it splinters off and I’m juggling multiple hyper fixations, its untenable and leads to deep feelings of failure and depression. Like my little Etsy store

– Some unhealthy/inconvenient habits have emerged. I will not bore you with details, especially about the more ‘unsavory’ ones, but my OCD is insane, I’ll be going about my day and decide oh, I need to do this. Then an undetermined time later I find myself knee deep in cleaning something that I walked by and decided was dirty. Today it was my vacuum cleaner. To be clear, I WAS vacuuming, that’s what I got it out for, then my body was just on cruise or auto until I come back a few minutes later sitting next to my vacuum with a wet soapy towel. Did it need it? Probably. Did it need it RIGHT NOW while I woke up feeling like somebody ran me over in my dreams? Probably not.

– There’s all manner of miscommunication going on in my brain. Neurons misfiring. I can see this in so many ways. On the outside I’m going from task to task, singing, dancing, moving, smiling even, but you are not hearing the inner dialogue (monologue? All the voices in all the arguments are my voices lol so I don’t know what that counts as) I sent two family members texts yesterday and they didn’t answer. They don’t like me/ only put up with me because they feel obligated. They are together somewhere laughing at what an idiot I am for thinking they care. I AM an idiot, why would anyone care about me? Whats my contribution to their life, I don’t blame them for laughing at me/hating me/ being done with me. What if they died? Would anyone even tell you? What if YOU died, would they care? CONSTANT CONSTANT CONSTANT FOR HOURS ON END then the watch buzzes.

“Oh hey, sorry I was caught up with something whats up with you?” – 3 hours later, 90% of the time
-My partner actually gave me some insight after watching me struggle with this and it blew my mind because 1. He’s right and 2. I understand what he means now and its improved our lives so much. He said ‘you know this is like bringing me in mid-conversation.’ We both know I do this now and I’m working on it and he’s understanding since we know where both of us are coming from now
– Also, time passes different for me sometimes I blink and its Friday and some days its endlessly Wednesday, but when I text someone, either I will obsess to the point of insanity and watching each minute pass with no response, or I will make up imaginary scenarios in my head, but if I find a side quest, I will forget when where why how and what, and then the message is like a little gift. Even though I sent one first if I don’t remember it. its brand new!


Ok I think I’m going to leave this here I will no doubt think of more manic things, but its safe to say I’m making reckless decisions in one of several areas of my life and those decisions are having a kind of build up, whipping everything into a frenzy that I have no idea how to regain control of. It is what it is and I will deal with it but its daunting, so if anyone else is going through this, has gone through it, you are not alone!
I gotta go for now I have some tabs to close LOL but be kind to yourselves and each other!