Tag: depression

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Anything executive does NOT sound like something I’d say… though the DYSfunction, yeah that tracks…

JoLeave a comment

Tonight lets talk about something that affects me in each one of my health issues, and many others, chances are if you are reading this it will resonate with you deep down, and all I can say is ‘I feel ya’.

Executive dysfunction refers to the brain’s delightful way of screwing up the cognitive processes that let you plan, focus, remember instructions, and juggle multiple tasks without losing your mind. These processes are crucial for, you know, actually getting stuff done and functioning like a semi-competent human being. When executive dysfunction kicks in, it can manifest in all sorts of fun ways, like having the working memory of a goldfish, the cognitive flexibility of a brick, the inhibitory control of a toddler, and the decision-making skills of a squirrel on caffeine.

(I know, I’m sorry George, just trying to make other people understand what its like to be you. I know you are a good boy and stay away from caffeine)

Fibromyalgia patients often get the short end of the stick with executive dysfunction, which can royally fuck up their daily lives. Studies show that folks with fibromyalgia perform about as well as a drunk turtle on tasks that measure executive functions like updating, shifting, inhibition, decision-making, and planning. Imagine trying to switch between different sets of rules or stop automatic responses when your brain feels like it’s been run over by a truck. This cognitive impairment is often linked to the severity of pain, psychiatric comorbidities, and other delightful variables like body mass index (BMI) and sleep disturbances. Basically, the brain areas involved in both pain processing and executive functions decide to throw a party, but forget to invite cognitive resources.

Individuals with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) also get to enjoy the rollercoaster of executive dysfunction. This can show up as difficulties with planning, flexibility, and inhibitory control. Picture an autistic person trying to switch tasks or adapt to new routines—it’s like asking a cat to take a bath. They might also struggle with organizing their thoughts and actions, which can turn completing tasks into a Herculean effort. Executive dysfunction in autism can add a lovely layer of complexity to the social and communication difficulties that are already part of the package, making it even harder to understand and respond to social cues.

Executive dysfunction is basically the middle name of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Individuals with ADHD often have the working memory of a sieve, the inhibitory control of a sugar-high kid, and the cognitive flexibility of a rusty hinge. This can lead to a spectacular mess of disorganized tasks, half-finished projects, and impulsive decisions that make you wonder if they have a death wish. For instance, someone with ADHD might start a dozen projects but finish none, or act on a whim without considering the fallout. These executive function deficits can turn academic, occupational, and social functioning into a daily struggle, making it a challenge to meet the demands of life without constant chaos.

During manic episodes, individuals with bipolar disorder can experience executive dysfunction on steroids. This might include making decisions that are about as well-thought-out as a drunk text, poor impulse control, and planning skills that make you question their sanity. For example, someone in a manic state might blow their life savings on a whim or engage in risky behaviors without a second thought. They may also have the attention span of a gnat, making it impossible to focus on tasks or follow through with plans. These executive function impairments can turn managing bipolar disorder into a circus act, with stability being the elusive tightrope walker.

Executive dysfunction is the brain’s way of throwing a wrench into the lives of those with fibromyalgia, autism, ADHD, and bipolar disorder. It screws with their ability to plan, organize, and execute tasks, leading to a daily struggle to function. Understanding the specific ways executive dysfunction manifests in these conditions can help in developing targeted interventions to improve cognitive functioning and overall quality of life. Because let’s face it, everyone deserves a fighting chance to get their shit together. We need to help each other out, especially reach out if you are struggling, we’re all swimming against the current. Til next time gang, take care of yourselves, and each other!

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R.S.D….elightful!

JoLeave a comment

For years, rejection has been a constant presence and the fear of it hindered many important moments in my life, if only I’d known how common of a thing it was, maybe I could have talked with someone who would have understood, made myself feel a little less isolated. So tonight I wanted to talk a little bit about something I wish I knew then, maybe if someone else is aware of it they could be like OMG ME TOO! And feel at least a little less alone.

For many with ADHD, even minor incidents of perceived rejection can trigger an overwhelming flood of negative emotions that feel utterly unbearable. This phenomenon, known as rejection sensitive dysphoria or RSD, causes what should be a mild feeling of disappointment or sadness to escalate rapidly into intense emotional agony.

The dysphoria from RSD is described as a “wounded” feeling, where the emotional pain and hurt from the rejection consumes every thought. It’s not just being sad or upset – it’s a visceral, physical sensation of being acutely injured by the rejection. Small critiques or casual teasing that would roll off most people’s backs can send the ADHD brain spiraling into self-loathing, anxiety, depression and even anger or lashing out.

This emotional dysregulation and inability to keep emotions within a normal range is thought to be hard-wired into the ADHD brain. The regions that regulate emotional responses and pain perception may be wired differently, causing the brain to treat perceived rejection as incredibly painful, personal attacks rather than minor slights. What feels like a subtle social cue to others is processed as deep, searing rejection.

ADHD brains are also more sensitive to dopamine levels, the neurotransmitter linked to motivation and reward. So rejection feels more punishing, with the sting of failure and negative reinforcement hitting harder. This hypersensitivity fuels the RSD response, where any critique or rejection is blown out of proportion into something viscerally agonizing.

While everyone dislikes rejection, the RSD reaction goes far beyond the typical human experience. It’s a level of emotional turmoil described as “unbearable” and “devastating” by those who suffer from it. Managing these intense emotions is one of the most disruptive and impairing aspects of living with ADHD.
Til next time gang, you know what to do.

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Emotional Yo-yo AKA Don’t like my attitude? Give it 3 minutes, it’ll change

JoLeave a comment

I had a topic picked for today, for days really, but it’s deeply personal and today I’ve already cried over three commercials and once cuz I was pissed off, so I’m going to wait on that one, I feel too vulnerable. So instead, why don’t we talk about one of the middle symptoms in my ven diagram of my illnesses (its also a common comorbidity of autism, so I am getting it from all sides folks) its called Emotional Dysregulation.

What IS emotional dysregulation? Emotional dysregulation is like having your emotions go on a rollercoaster ride without your consent. You know, it’s when you struggle to keep those feelings in check and end up reacting in ways that might seem a bit over-the-top to others. It’s like your emotions are playing tug-of-war with you, making everyday situations feel like a big deal. And it’s not just about feeling all the feels, but also struggling with how to respond appropriately. Think of it as your emotional volume knob stuck on high, making it tough to keep things chill when you need to. And hey, it’s often buddies with executive dysfunction, so they like to hang out together, but we’ll dive into that one another time.

In Bipolar Mania, this is going to be like someone put a rocket booster in your brain and lit the fuse. One minute you’re feeling energetic and euphoric, making grandiose plans to start 17 new business ventures. The next, you’re sobbing uncontrollably because a Geico commercial reminded you of that goldfish you killed in 3rd grade. Your moods careen so violently, loved ones get whiplash just watching. It’s a real hoot when the mania convinces you that you’re a world-renowned painter, so you “decorate” the living room walls with your…unique…art. Its ok guys, mine just makes me think I write anything worth reading LOL.

In ADHD you are going to recognize this as more like having a nuclear meltdown at the sight of a mildly inconvenient traffic jam. You go from 0 to rage monster in 3.5 seconds over something as minor as the remote being lost. Then just as quickly, you’re cackling at internet memes, having completely forgotten what set you off. Your emotional outbursts are so disproportionate and fleeting, it’s like watching a moody toddler control the weather. Things that are of vital importance RIGHT NOW suddenly don’t seem like a big deal especially after thinking of all the work involved. Its not that I’m lazy its just there are days when I think all the thoughts and there are days where I will work myself to exhaustion and bleeding to avoid thinking ANY thoughts. Its a delight really lol.

Fibromyalgia brings a special kind of emotional chaos. You wake up feeling somewhat human, but by noon, the brain fog has you zoning out mid-sentence while describing your weekend. Nobody I’m talking to can possibly be more pissed at me zoning out than me, so often times I will catch myself and not say anything, because when I do then the person I’m talking to just gets annoyed at me whereas my way I only annoy myself. Though it does mean I miss whole convos, so eventually it comes out that I totally spaced it so I guess either way I’m pissing people off. By 2pm, you’re snapping at loved ones over the slightest noise because everything is exacerbating your body’s pain signals. But then a good cry sesh has you feeling marginally better, so you impulsively buy yourself 10 shirts because they are a good deal in bulk. An emotional rollercoaster where the only consistent thing is inconsistency.

Now take all three of those delightful experiences and put them in a blender – that’s the big mood gumbo you get with comorbid bipolar, ADHD and fibromyalgia. One second you’re manically rearranging the furniture and rapidly rambling business plans. The next you’re lashing out at your spouse for daring to breathe too loudly near your full-body ache-fest. Throw in some weepy fibro fog where you forget what you’re upset about, and baby, you’ve got a stew going!

And lets not forget I’m navigating around a moody autistic teenager thats dealing with her own emotional dysregulation. In her that can present as intense outbursts or all out shutdowns, difficulty calming down, they already struggle to self soothe, this just highlights and exacerbates it. They might struggle to express emotions appropriately, its often a big deal and takes a while to settle. Sensory overload is also a problem, if overwhelmed everything is amplified by ten. Stimming is a big indicator, and for most kids that sounds or repetitive movements and also a rigidity and difficulty with flexibility can be considered emotional dyregulation.

For the blissfully unacquainted, just imagine a rollercoaster designed by a schizophrenic rocket scientist who’s ingested every mind-altering substance known to humanity. Ups, downs, loop-de-loops and sudden screeching emotional halts that make no sense. That’s the bipolar/ADHD/fibromyalgia brain on a good day! But don’t worry, we’re sure the burning desire to both achieve world domination and take a 5-year nap will balance itself out…any minute now. Until next time gang, take care of yourself and each other. (Oh I forgot to say, when I was taking my trash out I saw a real life George. He says ‘hey’ lol)

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New month new problems…

JoLeave a comment

Well not new, but now that fibro awareness month has passed and I’ve given you all a month of details about how shitty that is, lets talk about something else for a few days, its cool guys I have PLENTY of topics to discuss, today lets talk a bit about Bipolar. I’ve had Bipolar for longer than I’ve had fibro, but it always takes the backseat until it hits an extreme. I’m currently in the wild throes of a mixed episode, which means I’m as unpredictable as a bucking bronco at the rodeo after chugging a case of Red Bull. One second I’m crying hysterically, the next I’m trying to lasso and ride the ceiling fan.


My bipolar is like a pinball machine from hell – my brain is the shiny silver ball, ricocheting around at breakneck speeds. The flashing lights are my manic episodes, when I go careening off the paddles of mania, bouncing erratically with frenetic energy. Those paddles smash me from one extreme to the other, never letting me settle.

During the depressive lows, it’s like I get trapped in those draining holes and alleys at the bottom of the machine, the ball stuck in a dark void. I’ll roll listlessly for a while until the mania kicks back in, launching me back into the neon chaos. Thwack! There I go, pinging off the bumpers of delusion and grandiosity. Boing! Now I’m ricocheting off the impulse control ramp straight into a high-risk bender.

All the while, those bipolar mood swings work the flippers, smashing me back and forth between the extreme highs and lows. The tilt sensors are permanently triggered – one little nudge and I go wildly veering off course into an unstable episode. Half the time I’m draining down the hole of suicidal thoughts, the other half I’m smashing into the mania jackpot of reckless benders and bizarre schemes.

It’s a never-ending barrage of bright frantic mania, dark depressive corners, and jarring transitions in between. The only consistent thing is that I’m a pinball being beaten around my bipolar machine’s twisted playground of emotional extremes. The flippers are always primed to send me ricocheting in some manic new direction…until the game inevitably tilts into its next cycle. I go long periods of time in the dark, but I have to always remember there’s light on the other side of it at some point. Even if no one reads this, then 20 yrs from now its stumbled upon and one person feels just a little bit more understood and a little less alone, it’ll have been worth feeling it so I can for one second relate when someone feels their loneliest. Til next time guys, take care of yourselves, and each other.

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Loki of the medical world…

JoLeave a comment

Much like Loki of Asgard (who was burdened with glorious purpose) that prankster fibromyalgia (who, for all we know is just doing this shit for funsies) just loves messing with us, doesn’t it? Its idea of a good time is replacing all the words in our brain with radio static for a rousing game of “What Did I Come Into This Room For?” Talk about a comedic fibro fog party trick!

And let’s not forget fibromyalgia’s classic prank of swapping out our skin for sandpaper while we sleep. Waking up feeling like we got a full-body exfoliation treatment from Edward Scissorhands? Chef’s kiss to that hilarious bit of tomfoolery!

Then there’s the ol’ random full-body ache for no damn reason gag. You’re just going about your day when BAM – it’s like you got hit by a truck carrying a cargo of pain and fatigue. Fibromyalgia’s version of the old “kick me” sign prank, but way less funny.

Sometimes it gets super creative by hiding all our energy reserves like George stashing nuts. Suddenly basic tasks like showering feel as exhausting as running a marathon. Thanks for that delightful prank, fibro – really keeps us on our toes!

But fibromyalgia’s pièce de résistance has to be the sensory overload prank. One minute you’re fine, the next it’s like all your senses got turned up to 11. Lights are blinding, sounds are deafening, and tags on your clothes may as well be made of cacti. Now THAT’S a practical joke that really sticks the landing!

Fibromyalgia really gets a kick out of the old “hide and seek” game with our energy levels. One minute we’ve got enough gas in the tank to run errands, the next it’s disappeared without a trace! Good luck trying to locate those missing spoons to accomplish basic tasks

And let’s not forget fibro’s classic bait-and-switch prank of luring us in with a decent night’s sleep, only to cruelly snatch it away with a morning of feeling more exhausted than if we pulled an all-nighter. Tricking us into thinking we’ve finally beaten insomnia is such a knee-slapper for this prankster condition

Prankster Fibromyalgia is out here giving Loki a run for his money. But we know all this. And knowing is power (knowing is half the battle? I don’t know, insert your own 80s slogan lol) Now if we could just fix these things, well, maybe we DID fix all the things and we forgot where we put the answers. That sounds like something we’d do. You guys go look for that, I gotta go see where George ran off to with that, I might need it. Take care of yourselves, and each other!

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SuperFibroman… fibroperson? Fibro super powers…

JoLeave a comment

Let’s be real – living with fibromyalgia is basically like being bitten by a radioactive sloth. You get all these weird-ass “powers” that nobody asked for and just make everyday life more of a challenge. But since we fibro warriors are stuck with them, we might as well lean into the absurdity.

For starters, we’ve all developed a spidey-sense for detecting chairs from a mile away. Usually with our shins when we walk into them but also when we look for them upon entering a room. I always clock exits, then chairs. Our bodies are so desperate for relief that we could spot a La-Z-Boy in a Vegas casino from the parking lot. Now thats not an always thing, some days I’d rather stand because I need to walk or stretch, but I HAVE TO know where my options are.

Then there’s our superpower of confusing the absolute shit out of doctors. We walk into their offices presenting a cluster of bizarre symptoms that have them scratching their heads harder than a dog with fleas. “You’re a real medical mystery!” they proclaim, as if we should feel honored to be their personal enigma wrapped in brain fog and muscle knots. Thanks, I guess?

Of course, our most impressive feat is the ability to look totally normal while feeling like microwaved garbage on the inside. We’re masters of disguise, slapping on makeup and clean clothes to conceal the bone-deep exhaustion and full-body aches. Somehow we make it through work, social events, you name it – all while our bodies are practically screaming for a horizontal surface.

And let’s not forget our supercharged empathy and ability to sense others’ invisible suffering. One look at someone and we can decode the subtle signs of fatigue, pain, and the dreaded brain fog. We see you, fellow spoonies – our x-ray vision cuts through the smiles and pleasantries.

So sure, having fibromyalgia may not give us the coolest superpowers in the traditional sense. But if you think about it, we’re all low-key superheroes just powering through each day with these bizarre abilities nobody else wants. Who needs super strength when you have the power to baffle medical professionals? Til next time gang, take care of yourself and each other!

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Fibro and emotional dysregulation…

JoLeave a comment

First, if you are like me you immediately said ‘what is emotional dysregulation?’ Mental patient nearly all my life I’ve never heard the term. So here’s an overview for those unfamiliar:

Emotional dysregulation is basically your brain taking a crowbar to your ability to control your damn emotions. It’s like having the temper tantrums of a toddler trapped in an adult’s body. One minute you’re chill, the next you’re losing your fucking mind over something so minor, most normal people wouldn’t even bat an eyelash. Your emotions are all over the place – sadness, anger, anxiety, you name it. It’s an unpredictable rollercoaster ride of feeling too much, too intensely, with no reasonable off-ramp to get those out-of-whack emotions back under control. You can’t just take a deep breath and zen the fuck out. Instead, you’re stuck spiraling down a rabbit hole of irrational outbursts, mood swings, and impulsive decisions until the storm passes…whenever that’ll be. For me, it is further intensified by my Bipolar mania.


In essence, emotional dysregulation is your brain flipping you the bird and saying “Nah, we don’t do chill here. Prepare to be a raging, over-emotional dumpster fire at random!” It’s an inability to self-soothe or rationally deal with big feelings, leaving you at the mercy of your haywire emotions until they decide to simmer down. Fun times!

And what does it do to those of us with Fibro? Guys we were already doing most of this! The intensifying effect wrecks havoc on our pain levels and sends our spoons scattered all over the floor, no spoons left to pick them up. It’s an unpredictable, irrational rollercoaster of feeling too much, too intensely, with zero chill to get those haywire emotions under control. It robs us of that logic process that we use to talk ourselves down from like ninety elevendy seven to a much more manageable 8. It makes everyone around us roll their eyes like ‘oh she’s at it again’, which then triggers guilt, because you don’t want to make your friends feel burdened with your damn brain’s psychotic rants, but that guilt makes you super awkward so everything is all tangled up like Christmas lights and you’re feeling all your feelings at once so you word vomit at the first person who speaks to you so no one wants to speak to you? Just me?


With Fibro and emotional dysregulation your emotions are all over the place – sadness, anger, anxiety, you name it. And good luck trying to self-soothe or logic your way out of these spiraling mood swings. Thanks to our good friend fibro fog, processing and regulating these big-ass feelings is about as easy as nailing jello to a tree. You’re left stuck in a heightened state longer than normal, unable to return to baseline human emotion. Its been so long I can no longer even SEE the baseline. I’m confident its back there somewhere.

So in summary, emotional dysregulation with fibromyalgia is a delightful shitshow of having the emotional control of a toddler combined with the hormonal surges of a teenager – totally fun times! Your moods are the biggest, baddest bullies on the playground, and you’re just along for the turbulent ride. If this is you, you found a home! Lets share what helps! Also, have you met George? He’s super friendly! He wants me to remind you to take care of yourselves, and each other.