Tag: mental health

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Fibromyalgia, Bipolar, and me…

JoLeave a comment

Hi Guys!
I’m actually writing this out before hand because my endless streams of consciousness get confusing and I wanted to give you all some facts with your funny today (or MY funny, I’m not going to presume to know how you feel about things). As I’ve talked about in detail, I suffer from both Bipolar and Fibro among some other alphabet disorders and such. Part of the challenge when you suffer from multiple illnesses is difficulty TREATING the illness has a whole because you are so busy trying to battle symptoms
Ah, the overlap symptoms, where Fibromyalgia and Bipolar Disorder play their favorite game of “Fibro, flare, bipolar or unidentifiable illness?” Let’s dive into this delightful pool of confusion, shall we?

  • Fatigue Fiesta: Is it the fibro fog or the bipolar brain drain? Who knows! One day you’re bouncing off the walls with energy, the next you’re contemplating the physics of whether it’s possible to sleep while standing up. I’m talented enough to get both in the same day. I know, don’t be jealous lol Why choose between chronic fatigue and mood-induced exhaustion when you can have both, right? When you are dealing with this fatigue, it touches so many other parts of your life, and being tired all the time ruins your quality of life.
  • Pain Parade: Is it fibro spreading its discomfort like peanut butter on toast, or just your bipolar mood swings throwing a tantrum in the form of physical agony? Who needs targeted discomfort when you’ve got a buffet of sensations to keep you guessing? Every new ache becomes a game of medical Clue: “Was it Colonel Fibro in the living room with the pain stick, or Professor Bipolar in the kitchen with the mood swing?” It’s like living in a mystery novel, except the plot twists are your own nerve endings.
  • Gaslighting: Oh, don’t even get me started. Before you can say “It’s all in your head,” we’ve already played that mind game with ourselves a hundred times over. And when someone finally agrees with the doubts we’ve been wrestling with, it’s like a twisted validation that only makes things worse.
  • Take my cardiac arrest saga, for example. My heart decided to play hopscotch with its rhythm, and each fluttery beat had me convinced it was just another fibro flare-up. So, I shrugged it off, attributing it to the usual suspects. Turns out, it was a serious problem hiding in plain sight, but hey, who needs hindsight when you’ve got a PhD in self-gaslighting, right?
  • So, here’s to the dangers of doubting your own symptoms and the perils of playing doctor with Dr. Google. Because when it comes to your health, it’s better to be safe than sorry – even if it means admitting that sometimes, you don’t have all the answers.
  • Sleepless Slumber Party: Can’t sleep? Welcome to the club! With both fibro and bipolar on the guest list, your nights are a delightful mix of tossing, turning, and contemplating the meaning of life at 3 AM. Is it the fibro’s fault for making your bed feel like a bed of nails, or is it the bipolar’s insistence on turning your brain into a 24/7 circus of thoughts? Sleep is overrated anyway, right? That’s why sticking to a routine is essential. I sleep ok finally, but I had to change a lot, I’m in bed by 9pm 90% of the time because I changed my routine to what fit me best. For the life of me I CANNOT sleep past 4 am so I have to adjust my bedtime accordingly. As I said, listen to the natural rhythm of your body as much as you can
  • Mood Swing Shindig: Ah, the pièce de résistance of symptom overlap! One minute you’re as giddy as a kid in a candy store, the next you’re contemplating whether it’s socially acceptable to cry into your cereal. Is it the fibro fog clouding your emotions, or is it the bipolar rollercoaster taking you on a wild ride through the valleys of despair and the peaks of mania? Who needs emotional stability when you can have a mood swing buffet? Being in a mixed episode for a prolonged period of time, I can’t hold on to the ride and bouncing between the highs and lows is leaving me bruised and bewildered
  • So, dear patient, welcome to the wonderful world where fibro and bipolar team up to keep you guessing and your doctors scratching their heads. Who needs clarity when you can have a medical mystery novel written by the masters of chaos themselves? Enjoy the ride!

Be kind to yourselves, and each other!

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A bit about sarcasm and the role of sardonic wit in our self care tool kit…

JoLeave a comment

I was planning on a different topic for today but guys, I HURT. I was very dumb. Went to the little one’s track meet and applied sunscreen in the car. We’d been there about two hours when I started getting UNCOMFORTABLY hot on my legs. About an hour after that, I tell hubby I think I am burning and we get to the shade but damage was done and I’m so red, and SWOLLEN! I even took Ibu (not cool with the CKD but sporadic use should be ok.) So I needed to research laughing, to remind myself of its existence and that it wont hurt like this forever lol.

So, in the wild ride of managing fibromyalgia and bipolar disorder, self-care isn’t just a luxury—it’s a necessity. However,as with most of the challenges we face as chronic illness patients, our solution isnt going to look like everyone’s solution. We have to take each self care tip and tweak it, bend it like we’re working clay, shape it into a mold that fits our goals and our realistic expectations This is where the unexpected hero, sarcasm, comes into play.

Research has shown that humor, including sarcasm which is a personal favorite of mine, can be a powerful coping mechanism for individuals navigating the complexities of chronic conditions like fibromyalgia and bipolar disorder. Studies indicate that humor can provide numerous psychological and physiological benefits, from reducing stress and anxiety to boosting mood and resilience. It’s not just about sharing a laugh; it’s about finding moments of levity amidst the pain and chaos, reclaiming a sense of control in a situation that often feels overwhelming. Laughing has a very unique way of replenishing my spoons. I’ll be just DONE and something so absurd or silly happens and I find myself getting the energy to handle my shit.

For many of us, sarcasm isn’t just a form of humor—it’s a language of survival. It’s the witty retort we offer when faced with yet another flare-up or mood swing. It’s the ironic commentary we make to cope with the absurdity of our circumstances. Like truly ‘if I don’t laugh, I’ll cry’ moments. Sarcasm becomes a tool for self-expression, a way to assert our identity and reclaim power in moments when it feels like our bodies and minds are betraying us. Making someone laugh is a balm for me, maybe I CAN’T laugh, when I make someone else laugh I can’t help but to join in no matter how much I hurt.

Personally, I’ve found that incorporating sarcasm into my self-care routine has been both liberating and empowering. When the pain flares up and the depressive fog descends, sarcasm becomes my armor, shielding me from the weight of my symptoms. My friends and family think I’m having a good day, when in reality I feel like I’m coming out of my skin. Its only acceptable to hide from the world and cry under your desk in the fetal position for a limited amount of time. It’s not about denying the reality of my conditions; it’s about refusing to let them define me entirely.

You know, one of the coolest things about sarcasm is how it can turn the most ordinary moments into chances to crack up and bond. Like, picture this: you’re swapping sarcastic memes with other spoonies, or you’re joking about the utter ridiculousness of dealing with medical red tape. It’s like this secret language we share, right? It brings us together, helps us feel less alone in the chaos of chronic illness. It’s like saying, “Hey, I get it, and I’m right there with you.

Of course, sarcasm isn’t a cure all, and there are times when a good laugh won’t magically erase the pain or stabilize my mood. But by integrating sarcasm into my self-care toolkit, I’ve learned to embrace the messy, imperfect journey of living with chronic illness. It’s about finding joy amidst the pain, reclaiming my power in a world that often feels beyond my control. So, here’s to the healing power of sarcasm—may we always find reasons to laugh, even when the odds are stacked against us.
Til next time gang, be kind to yourself and each other

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Ok, so we’ll try…

JoLeave a comment

Ok, its three and I want to write, lets see how this works out lol.
I said we were going to talk about Mania today, and in a way we will. Its also like talking about the way our brains lie.


I’m manic. I know that. Its a proven fact. But for anyone who thinks of mania as happy, I respectfully disagree.

So what is mania to ME (everyone’s body chemistry is different and mania might look different on you, I’m only speaking about my own experiences).

Mania is my brain on overload. This will make someones eye twitch but I have three screens up. One I’m typing this on, next to me youtube is open on a video I was dancing to a few minutes ago. Its paused so I can continue dancing to it (Too Sweet by Hozier if you are wondering) when I’m done or at 3:50 so I can get my steps in. My top monitor is discord, my kindle is directly next to my hand open to the book I’m reading. And beyond that the tv is on and its an episode I haven’t seen before. Drives hubby crazy when I do this but I can pay enough attention to get the gist of it, and I periodically stop and stare at it forgetting everything else I am doing. And I just did it again, I did my steps watched SVU then sat back down now I need to get back into story telling mode. George has the damn zoomies today I swear.

So now its 3:30. But I’m focused.

Ok so mania to me is, I can’t stop. My brain is already four sentences ahead of me. That’s not always terrible. Annoying, but not always terrible. I think it gives me golden retriever energy (think, comin’ at you with happy but persistent love. smothering you with it). Filling the silence with my own voice, and I HATE my own voice, so I try and drown it out with all kinds of STUFF, from writing here, to catching up on shows and books to chatting, I try and keep at least two things going on inside my brain.

Why? Why not let the thoughts come you may ask. Its a fair question. My answer is that nine out of ten times those thoughts are negative and destructive. They are intrusive and while I used to take in all those bad thoughts, sit with them, probe them, scratch at them, chew on them until I could decide why I felt the way I felt and where the thoughts were spawning from. I can’t do that any more. No one can hate me more than I hate my past self, but that’s where I have to stop. Hating myself for my past mistakes gets me nowhere. Until a Delorean pulls up in front of my home and tells me to hop in, I’m stuck living with what my past self did and how she was. That’s not sustainable. I can’t live in the past. So I fumble and forge ahead with all the grace of a lumbering elephant.


So the multiple screens and such to keep my brain busy so I don’t get any of the REAL BAD intrusive thoughts. These I’m sure many are familiar with. I’m a truly terrible person for what I said to this person that day. Irredeemable who cares its been 15 years, I am a bad person, I deserve to feel this alone, why would ANYONE put up with my quirks, who do I think I am? What purpose do I serve? Am I worth the air I breathe? I’m useless and I’m taking up space/attention/time of someone who has much better things to do.


Do I need to go on? Frankly even just saying that the thoughts are in there is like a little win. I know my heart is good. I know (intellectually) that I am loved. But you see how they attack like that? Like I’ll just be sitting here and forget something and the inner voice comes out ‘you’re so dumb bitch you were JUST thinking a thought, its not important just like you’re not’ then I hear that inner monologue and its like WHOA HARSH! PIPE YOUR LITTLE SELF DOWN RIGHT NOW MISSY! HERE SING NOVEMBER RAIN WHILE I DIG UP A MEMORY FROM 1998 THAT YOU CAN RELIVE AND ANALYZE THE SHIT OUT OF. That ought to keep you busy.

Even when I don’t THINK I’m having them I have them, if someone doesn’t answer a call or a text within like 2 hrs my brain starts analyzing every single interaction wondering what I said or did wrong.

I wish I had the drive and focus to do half the ideas that float by my brain when I’m like this, and I say float because that’s what happens, float, hover, kiss but never really fully fleshing out an idea in my head. Now I have some awesome ‘i’s, and some amazing ‘id’s on occasion but not the real full ‘IDEAS‘, I can’t hold it in my brain long enough to think about them or I bet they would be some doozies that would change the world.

Part of the time I even know its going to happen, I know I can’t change it, so I hold on for the ride. I can be talking to you, looking at you, full on engaged in the conversation I probably even initiated, and my brains like OOPS WE ARE FULL NO MORE ROOM AT THE INN, TRY ME AGAIN AFTER NAP TIME.

It happens so many times hubby says he can see it in my eyes lol now.

I hate that I feel this way, its like an itch just under my skin that I can’t get to. Thing is, I SEE EXACTLY why I am ‘too much’ for others, half the time I’m too much for myself, so I don’t blame people for not liking me. Still hurts but I see their point.

Anyway, that’s just my experience with mania and intrusive thoughts, I’d love to hear about yours, and how you shut up the voice constantly telling you that you suck. You are amazing and I’m glad you are not listening to them, you are cared for and loved and we need you here to anyone who needed to hear it. Til tomorrow guys, be kind to yourself and each other.

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Well staying past your welcome is just plain disrespectful…

JoLeave a comment

I think you can judge by the title what kind of day its been. You probably don’t want or need to hear how the palms of my hands are burning, but I’m going to tell you anyway, because I don’t have to fake smile with you. You don’t need me to be strong. You don’t need me to make responsible decisions. I LIKE that about you so thank you to the one person skimming this with their cereal while doing the crossword, I appreciate you. (Is it raisin bran? You seem like a raising bran person. I am a raisin bran person so I can spot my fellow raisin fans. But I’m also feeling corn flakes and fruit loops and so there’s room for error LOL). We’ll get into that too, the scrolling while doing a crossword and eating cereal. I feel you, I have to keep myself busy too. Its neurodivergence and we will discuss it in great detail once I can form words. I really should write these in the morning before the brain fog machine starts cranking, but nothing has happened by then generally. I’d write about the previous day’s activities but my day gets blurry when I look back. There’s a sweet spot I’m sure I just haven’t found it yet.

So I didn’t do much, one load of laundry, vacuum, dinner, exercise that’s the extent of it. Lots of inside my own head and reflections and spent a bit with monkey just watching tv. Now sitting here I’m getting this weird pain in my chest scaring myself but I’m sure its nothing, I’m a hypochondriac. I know this about me so its likely just a panic attack and I’m perpetuating it worrying about what and why I’m worried about it, I’m telling you its a math riddle I’m not even sure I could do the math and I’m the one who wrote the problem lol.

Anyway, I am proud of myself for making it though the monotony. If nothing else I’m always proud of myself even for just getting up as well as incredibly grateful I’m blessed to be here and breathe this air today.
I wanted to see if I could talk for a minute about the pain I’m experiencing. Maybe one of you has something similar, they all suck so in no particular order
MY HIP: Ok so there is a clear hierarchy on the pain in my body and hip decided to take point on this one. It feels as if there are electrical wires as my nerve endings and every time I hit it just right BLINDING pain. Its been this way for a while and will have me on the floor in a second if that hits. Nothing helps. Its been happening for over a year and my doc just throws up her hands and shrugs and says ‘that’s fibro?’ I get it but having been having extreme symptoms for over a year, maybe we try something else? She talked about shots and I’d consider it but I’ve read some not great things about it and I’m only putting myself through that if a higher percent of cases are a lot better.
Burning in palms and soles of feet: So this one is fairly new. I don’t know how else to explain it other than it feels like those, are they called thistles? Like soft thin thorns under my skin. It burns like poison. I don’t know what they are, but I can’t help but think this and the electrical shock pains seem like they could be the results of a pinched nerve

“Road Fog” by Ksenia Kudelkina/ CC0 1.0


THE FOG: The never ending roll after roll of thought stealing mist that is blanketing my area. I don’t think I can explain it better than that and I think if you get it my analogy would work well describing it. Simple words I have been saying all my life won’t come to mind when I need them. Under this header you can also find ‘walking into a room and having no idea why I went in there so I start doing something else, stay busy all day, and only remember when I’m laying down to sleep that I never got the thing I went in there to get. Often several times. Also, losing total track of your point minutes in to a conversation, like as you are speaking, the words evaporate like Thanos snapping his fingers. I heard a comedian’s description once and it was spot on. My brain hears some things it can’t properly process and decides to go on a little walk about. Yup, my brain doesn’t understand what its hearing so it gives up, only a short time later it catches up and wants to say something but the convo is already on something totally different.
The exhaustion: Like enough said. But its not just feeling tired all the time, its feeling tired of this or that. A lackadaisical why bother kind of vibe. I’m just so over everything.
Wide spread tender points: they all suck. Also super sensitive to tastes, smells, noise.

That’s just the fibro. We’ll talk more about mania tomorrow. Maybe. We’ll see if it pisses me off

How about you guys? Anyone have anything to add to the list? It sucks and I am proud of you for getting up and battling it. I’m going to crash, take care of yourself and each other.

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The lies our brains tell…

Jo2 Comments

Ok guys I’m just getting comfortable in front of the camera again, but I wanted to do a video today, and I wasnt doing it without a filter and the tech is new to me at this point so I gotta figure out the logistics and such. Its very choppy because of the medium I was trying to talk slower but you can tell its only in like 10 second clips. Partner suggested a different way and I’ll try that next time. The point of my video is if your brain always makes you feel like people hate you, you are not alone. We’ll support each other and learn how to make our brain shut up together

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Another day older and deeper in debt…

JoLeave a comment

Thats words from a song, but also quite true sometimes. I got up this morning with big plans, plans to take a deep dive into a topic I really wanted to share with you, plans that I just spaced once my ass hit the chair apparently. I’m doing this, I will be reading tomorrow and also planning time to do the research and writing I wanted to get done. I feel like I have so many ideas floating by my brain, every once in a while one breaks through the brain fog and I have it for like a minute and I’m making all these plans, then SQUIRREL

I feel like he’s going to be a mascot here. Should we name him? Does he look like a George to you too? ‘I will love him and squeeze him and call him George’ IYKYK

ANYWAY, damn it George, take off I’m trying to think here! I think I actually physically freeze now when faced with any type of decision, so yeah, thats new and not problematic AT ALL.

I sat here all day because I’m overwhelmed and this is as close as I can get to hiding in a little turtle shell rocking back and forth telling myself everything is fine. Its not, I’ll acknowledge that, it will be, and I acknowledge that too, its just a lot in the RIGHT NOW. Sometimes the best we can do is the best we can do.

My birthday is this week, which is very triggering and I’ll be crying over every cute commercial and it might have a lot to do with my freezing. I did do something today though, besides just getting out of bed, I put groceries away, did Duolingo. We are not going to be home on my birthday so I got some ribeyes and made them along with three different kinds of potatoes, because again, when facing decisions, I’m a mess lol. I don’t even know I’m doing it generally, it wasn’t until I sat down with my steak, twice baked, fries and roasted potatoes from the microwave on my plate and I was like, ok, well, at least I made the choice to not make anything else with it. Then my brain started its nonsense


DID you make a choice? It seems to me you didn’t give yourself any other options, so you just didn’t add other things to choose from. That means you made NO decisions.


See what I put up with? Ridiculous. I clearly made the choice not to give myself more choices to pick from. I combat these intrusive thoughts anywhere I can but they pop into my head without my control or consent making me feel worse and worse about myself. So after I let myself feel sorry for myself for like, a hot minute I took a nice Sunday afternoon nap, took a shower, and have been staring at this thing since about 5, so a good 3 hours of sitting here, writing a few words, erasing it, watching some fb reels, do a few surveys, remember what I intended to do. Open tabs to do them, oops, what was I doing? Where was I going?

DAMN IT GEORGE!

Just burst right into my train of thought like that!

Anyway, here I am. It wasnt an incredibly productive day but I did complete a few tasks and am ready to meet tomorrow just as bright eyed and bushy tailed as our buddy George. Things are happening behind the scenes and we’re figuring it out alone the way, trust the process. I tell myself that, but I’m going to lock it down and get shit done tomorrow (Today was a bad hip day too, the rain and moisture made it rough, and I haven’t finished telling you guys about the lingering effects from THAT whole ordeal, but its a convo for another day). Be kind to yourself, and each other and goodnight George 😉

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Gotta say it was a good day…

JoLeave a comment

Good evening (evening, evening, evening echoed the void). Some days joy abounds in the crazy ups and downs on this wild ride, other days its about getting by. I woke not expecting anything great, and boy did I live up to those expectations lol. It was a good day though. I learned a lot working on some other projects and I got several products I designed on the Etsy site. Worried myself sick over things I could do nothing about. Immediately forgot why I was panicking mid panic, then just when my breath went back to normal remembering what it was and working myself up into a really good panic before forgetting AGAIN. Cycle repeated at least four times until I dug the heel of my hands into my eyes. I swear I wasted at least the better part of two hours frozen in the repeated jump scare. Laughed at a ton of crazy cat videos. Had some pizza.

I don’t feel like I accomplished much but what did I do most of the day? I laid down for not even an hour. Had plenty of ideas for future projects. This is the grabby hands phase of my mania. Gimme gimme gimme, give me ALL the side quests so I don’t have to face what I’ve been avoiding. Gimme gimme gimme money for all of these side quests, Gimme gimme gimme all the praise for these JACKPOT amazeballs ideas. Greedy as all get out and tripping over my own feet trying not to be such a narcissist and only think about myself, actively get angry at myself thus directing all my own attention to trying not to be a narcissist, which is like, the definition of being a narcissist. I’ve exhausted my brain and once I do that my body soon follows. I think today is the last REALLY bad storm threat so maybe the air pressure will regulate. Til tomorrow friends, stay kind to yourselves and each other.

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Flare, illness or other…

JoLeave a comment

Good Morning ladies and gents, it is time for one of my least favorite games (its right up there with heart attack panic attack or the unexplained electrical issue coming to take you and finish the job they’ve been working on for more than ten years).
Yesterday morning I got up, nursed my coffee and didn’t do much until lunch time. I was working on a chore chart for kiddo, she already does chores this is just about accountability. I made the turkey burger helper that kiddo wanted, started a load of laundry, divided up the food into portions to make reheating easier, then wanted to mow so I could zone and its supposed to rain today and I hadn’t gotten the grass seed out so I went down and grabbed the battery to put it in the mower only to find that I had not put it on the charger, same with the weed eater. Ok, I still had the rake handy and felt like I needed the sunlight. I got out there and tried to loosen all that soil to get it prepped for the grass seed. Still feeling ok, trade out the rake for the mower. I had put the battery on the charger earlier and I figured sure its not full but there’s probably enough charge in there to get the very front corner of the yard which is where a majority of the grass seed needs to be spread. I spread the seed then raked again. Maybe halfway through I started feeling a recent new bothersome symptom, little electric pulses, kind of like shivers on the inside, Then I tried to contort myself to side stepping down the hill and I felt the BLINDING split second pain in my hip, which is my inside scar in my hip, it feels like bones rubbing together. So I decided that was my call to pack it up for the night so inside I went, hip pain was what I’d call ‘sore, more of an ache’ whereas the blinding pain is split second and more of a white burning sharp poke inside. Also new, my palms and bottoms of my feet hurt and feel like they are burning.
So I went inside and took my shower but I was just DONE sat on my heating pad all night and accomplished jack shit but today I feel like a train hit me. Hands and feet burning, hip hurting so bad I’m actually sweating because of it, (if you’ve ever felt that kind of pain I promise it will make sense to one of you). I am continually gaslighting myself saying its no big deal. Also I am exhausted. I will be able to nap after my alarm clock duties, but I am achy and exhausted and whiny and just want to stop and acknowledge it. The reason why I acknowledge it is to treat it or to let it go. I’m hurting because I did too much and didn’t listen to my body. I know the best course of action is to take it easy today. I do, I know this…

BUT even though I’m smart enough to know this, know the truth of it, have lived it in the past, my brain also is telling me ‘shut up, its fine, walk it off, dance it off, you need to move bitch, your skin is crawling, this that and the other thing needs your time and attention or they will cease to exist’ I feel like waking up this morning and getting my family up used ALL my spoons. I am exhibiting classic manic behavior and would probably benefit from some type of tranquilizer, but as I previously mentioned, went off A LOT of meds that were doing more harm than good to me. I will not tell you what to do, but I will tell you all that I’ve done with my own treatment and you do you, I don’t advocate and am not paid by anyone, talk to your doc about anything and everything I say. Its rare, but I’ve been wrong lol its been known to happen. If you take one thing away from my experiences, use my research to ask your doctor about, because I will say this until I am blue in the face OUR BODIES ALL HAVE DIFFERENT CHEMISTRY AND BALANCE, DOWN TO THE MINUTE LITTLE INCONSISTENCIES AND WE ALL REACT DIFFERENTLY TO DIFFERENT THINGS. WHAT WORKED FOR ME MIGHT NOT WORK FOR YOU AND VICE VERSA.

My mania has made it almost painful to sit here and not do things. I’m fooling my brain into thinking we ARE doing something, we are putting thoughts to ‘paper’. Let me tell you my mania and you can make your own definition of degree.

– I have two browsers open, and two windows on each. I was going to count tabs open, but the one I mainly use for youtube or music has 57 tabs. FIFTY SEVEN. That’s one window. There are three more. All the tabs are thoughts I’ve had that I want to get back to and not forget. Just thinking of all of them open makes my eye twitch.

– Some of the tabs in the other windows are Amazon with all different things that I heard about or thought I MIGHT need. Some even have them in my cart. This is dangerous because my rational self knows I blow through money on needless shit when I’m manic and I can’t afford to do that. BUT what if I do actually NEED it?

– HYPERFOCUS It can be a good thing. I managed to get the drive to get my site back and start it up again. BUT as my mania wears on it splinters off and I’m juggling multiple hyper fixations, its untenable and leads to deep feelings of failure and depression. Like my little Etsy store

– Some unhealthy/inconvenient habits have emerged. I will not bore you with details, especially about the more ‘unsavory’ ones, but my OCD is insane, I’ll be going about my day and decide oh, I need to do this. Then an undetermined time later I find myself knee deep in cleaning something that I walked by and decided was dirty. Today it was my vacuum cleaner. To be clear, I WAS vacuuming, that’s what I got it out for, then my body was just on cruise or auto until I come back a few minutes later sitting next to my vacuum with a wet soapy towel. Did it need it? Probably. Did it need it RIGHT NOW while I woke up feeling like somebody ran me over in my dreams? Probably not.

– There’s all manner of miscommunication going on in my brain. Neurons misfiring. I can see this in so many ways. On the outside I’m going from task to task, singing, dancing, moving, smiling even, but you are not hearing the inner dialogue (monologue? All the voices in all the arguments are my voices lol so I don’t know what that counts as) I sent two family members texts yesterday and they didn’t answer. They don’t like me/ only put up with me because they feel obligated. They are together somewhere laughing at what an idiot I am for thinking they care. I AM an idiot, why would anyone care about me? Whats my contribution to their life, I don’t blame them for laughing at me/hating me/ being done with me. What if they died? Would anyone even tell you? What if YOU died, would they care? CONSTANT CONSTANT CONSTANT FOR HOURS ON END then the watch buzzes.

“Oh hey, sorry I was caught up with something whats up with you?” – 3 hours later, 90% of the time
-My partner actually gave me some insight after watching me struggle with this and it blew my mind because 1. He’s right and 2. I understand what he means now and its improved our lives so much. He said ‘you know this is like bringing me in mid-conversation.’ We both know I do this now and I’m working on it and he’s understanding since we know where both of us are coming from now
– Also, time passes different for me sometimes I blink and its Friday and some days its endlessly Wednesday, but when I text someone, either I will obsess to the point of insanity and watching each minute pass with no response, or I will make up imaginary scenarios in my head, but if I find a side quest, I will forget when where why how and what, and then the message is like a little gift. Even though I sent one first if I don’t remember it. its brand new!


Ok I think I’m going to leave this here I will no doubt think of more manic things, but its safe to say I’m making reckless decisions in one of several areas of my life and those decisions are having a kind of build up, whipping everything into a frenzy that I have no idea how to regain control of. It is what it is and I will deal with it but its daunting, so if anyone else is going through this, has gone through it, you are not alone!
I gotta go for now I have some tabs to close LOL but be kind to yourselves and each other!

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A few words about spoons…

JoLeave a comment

No, not the ones you use to shovel food into your mouth, the ones you use to shovel energy in you to live. This might reach ONE person it needs to when they need to hear it and its literally all I hope, because I have to tell myself this frequently, and frankly I don’t believe me, I know I’m a liar lol.
I’ve heard of it in the fibro context, but it applies to all manner of neurodivergancy.

You only have a set number of spoons on any given day. Once they are gone they’re gone, but your body is like an evil little tyrant, always changing the price on things, so one morning getting out of bed will be a spoon, but because of inflation and the fact that you went out amongst the normal folk yesterday, getting out of bed today costs you three. WoW you say, three whole spoons? Oh well I’ll make it a light day and fold a basket of laundry, empty the dishwasher maybe while I’m up. WHOA THERE COWBOY! Just how do you think you’re going to have enough spoons for all that? You will have to go up and down the stairs at least twice, its a spoon each time. We’re up to five and you are still at 8 am. I’ll veg and watch the Today Show. Oh look its that guy you like talking about that thing you’re excited about, that will be one spoon please just for having to pay attention and not let your intrusive thoughts in. In fact, I think after that we’ll have some intrusive thoughts just so you have to use up more spoons to not let them get to you. Ope, gotta do your meds, that’s another spoon.
https://tenor.com/bieI7.gif
We’re at eight and you haven’t eaten yet. Oh, should probably do that, I’ll just do something easy like chicken strips, maybe waffles. Well, pretty sure making anything will cost at least one spoon and another for the clean up. It’s up to ten and that’s even me being kind because usually eating takes one spoon. what are we going to do with the last two? Shower and meds, that leaves none for switching the laundry over or another meal or snack. What about all the thoughts we’re supposed to think?
You see? Total asshole. Inconsistent. Unreliable. Inconsiderate. Just general all around dick.
My current problem?
Things had been ok. The landlord of the spoons was being reasonable for the last few months, but I should have known the fun time wouldn’t last. He raised prices last week, right as my mixed episode hit, its almost like they timed it. You see, anyone who knows me has heard this but, when mania manifests, my brain legit just starts going like a wind up toy. I’m smacking into walls backing up tripping on things just all automated. I just start out with, I’m going to put a new belt on the vacuum, to me looking up from kneeling in front of my fridge with the front of the vent completely off soaking in the sink as I pondered if I’d ever done that to this fridge. Well, wouldn’t you know it, there I am waking up off the floor and landlord shows up with his hand out. Today he wants ALL my spoons. So I have no recourse, there’s no fighting the decision, the judgment is final no exceptions. So while I had every intention of working outside putting out grass seed and coming in to cook hamburger helper, I instead deep cleaned the kitchen and the fridge. I really hope tomorrow he gives me the full amount of spoons, but judging how bad my hip hurts today already, I’m not counting on it.
Be kind to yourselves, and each other