Tag: mental-illness

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🩰 The Bipolar-Fibro Tango: When Mood Swings and Muscle Screams Collide

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Welcome welcome one and all come on in. Its me —your neighborhood chronically exhausted gremlin with a nervous system that’s basically running Windows 95. If you’ve ever looked at your list of diagnoses and thought, “Cool, now I can collect the whole set,” then friend, pull up a chair and a heating pad. Today we’re talking about the beautiful disaster that is living with both fibromyalgia and bipolar disorder—aka “Mood Swings & Musculoskeletal Mayhem.”

I live it. I hate it. I laugh at it. Let’s go.

🎭 Act I: “What Fresh Hell Is This?”

So, first off: what the hell is fibromyalgia?

It’s that charming condition where your body interprets gentle breeze as blowtorch, basic fatigue as brain-dead exhaustion, and sleep as an optional luxury item from a catalog you can’t afford.

And bipolar disorder? Oh, that’s just where your brain slaps the gas and brake pedals randomly while you’re driving through Lifeville. Sometimes you feel like a goddess who could run a Fortune 500 company on three hours of sleep and a Red Bull. Other times, putting on socks feels like solving a Rubik’s cube blindfolded.

So what happens when you have both?

Well, according to a 2020 study in the Journal of Affective Disorders, roughly 32% of fibromyalgia patients also meet the criteria for bipolar disorder, compared to only 4.4% in the general population.

I would say I’m honored to be part of that elite club, but no one’s handing out free tote bags, just prescriptions and pity.

🧠 Act II: Pain Perception Is a Lying Liar

One of the cruelest things about this combo platter is how bipolar mood states can hijack your pain perception.

During manic or hypomanic episodes, people sometimes experience reduced sensitivity to pain, which sounds amazing until you realize it’s just your brain temporarily gaslighting you while it prepares to body slam you into a depressive episode later. A study published in Pain Practice found that manic states may suppress pain sensitivity, while depressive states amplify it. Seriously guys, this is real. Not saying its the same for everyone, but I had my hip REPLACED, and since I got home from the hospital I started like 5 new hobbies and don’t sit down more than 5 minutes a stretch lol. When asked if I hurt, I would answer yes, when I stop and put any thought to it I’m usually in the 5-7 range but when I distract myself I can go hours before I hurt so bad it will literally take my breath.

So some days, I’m cleaning the kitchen like a superhero with zero regard for my spine. Other days, I need a break halfway through brushing my teeth because my jaw hurts like I chewed concrete in my sleep. (Spoiler: I didn’t. Probably.)

⚖️ Act III: Treatment Is a Dumpster Fire of Trial and Error

If you’re wondering what it’s like to treat both bipolar and fibromyalgia, imagine playing Jenga on a trampoline.

You want something for the pain? Great! Depressed because ouch, it hurts. Well, chemical imbalance of the brain can be fixed right? Except—oops—some antidepressants often used for fibro (like SNRIs and SSRIs) can trigger manic episodes if you’re bipolar and not carefully mood-stabilized first.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3181950/A 2011 article in Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience warned that antidepressant monotherapy in bipolar patients can significantly increase the risk of manic switches.

So, you try another med. That one numbs the pain but gives you brain fog so thick you forget where your fridge is. Or it stabilizes your mood but turns you into an emotionless zombie who eats beige food and says, “I’m fine” in a monotone voice while dying inside.

It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything’s… fine.

🧃 Act IV: The Emotional Toll of Being the Human Equivalent of a Glitchy App

Let’s not forget the emotional side. Chronic pain and bipolar disorder don’t just tag-team your physical body; they start squatting in your brain and charging rent. There’s grief for the person you used to be, guilt about being “too much” or “not enough,” and shame for not being able to manifest healing with gratitude journaling and kale smoothies.

Here’s the sciencey truth: a study in Arthritis Care & Research found that patients with fibromyalgia are 3.4 times more likely to have suicidal ideation, and bipolar disorder increases that risk even further.
🔗 Source

So no, you’re not just “being dramatic.” Your pain is real, your mood shifts are real, and your struggle is so valid it could be a thesis.

🎤 Curtain Call: Embrace the Chaos (or at Least Laugh at It)

Look, I didn’t sign up for this. No one hands you a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and fibromyalgia and says, “Congrats, you’ve unlocked hard mode—now go parent your autistic teen and try to cook something that isn’t beige.”

But I’m here. You’re here. We’re doing it—badly, weirdly, and with frequent snack breaks.

This dance between bipolar disorder and fibromyalgia is exhausting, confusing, and often unfair. But it’s not the end of the story. There’s still joy. There’s still meaning. And there’s still a damn good reason to keep showing up (even if it’s just for memes and microwave mashed potatoes).

So if you’re out there thinking, “Why is my body like this?”—just know you’re not alone. You’re part of a weird, wonderful, warrior community. We’re the ones limping into therapy with caffeine in one hand, a heating pad in the other, and a sarcastic one-liner ready to go.

And that, my friend, is something to be proud of. Til Next time gang take care of yourselves, and each other.

Sources for the Nerds Like Me(or your doctor who thinks you’re exaggerating): (full disclosure the sciencey stuff I googled and chat GPT’d the source links because its been a long time since I’ve had to cite things and I wanted to make sure I did it right.)

  1. Di Salvo et al. (2020). Journal of Affective Disorders, “High prevalence of bipolar disorder in fibromyalgia patients” – PubMed
  2. Dvir et al. (2011). Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, “Bipolar disorder: new strategies for treatment” – PMC
  3. Lautenschlager, J. et al. (2005). Arthritis Care & Research, “Suicidal ideation and risk in fibromyalgia” – Wiley Online
  4. Pain Practice, 2011. “Mood and pain: Depression, mania, and the modulation of physical suffering” – PubMed
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Mood Swings & the Myth of the Difficult Woman

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(Or How I’m Not Crazy, Just Heavy On The Neurological Spice)

Let’s be real — the phrase “moody woman” gets tossed around more than a toddler’s sippy cup. It’s shorthand for “she had a valid emotional response, but it made me uncomfortable.” If I had a dollar for every time someone chalked up my reaction to hormones, I’d have enough to pay for all the meds that actually manage those moods.

Why “Mood Swings” Are More Than Just a Stereotype

  • Mood disorders like bipolar disorder, PMDD, and even ADHD-related emotional dysregulation affect hormone levels, executive function, and emotional processing.
  • A study published in the Journal of Affective Disorders found that emotional intensity and mood variability are frequently misinterpreted in women — especially when compared to men exhibiting the same symptoms.
  • Women are also more likely to be misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder when they actually have bipolar II (source: Psychiatric Times, 2020).

Fact: I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder when I was 15, do you know how many legitimate concerns I’ve had brushed off because of that, or even Fibro, by doctors or medical professionals who should KNOW BETTER??? Not a little thats for sure, too many, yes I have neuro issues that doesnt mean I can’t have issues elsewhere, two things can be true.

The Cultural Bias Against Emotion

Reminder: anger, sadness, irritability — those aren’t “bad moods.” Those are data. Something’s happening in your environment, your body, or your brain chemistry.

We raise girls to be emotionally attuned, then weaponize that sensitivity against them as adults.

Being “too much” is just another way to shame someone for expressing a normal human emotion with intensity.

My English teachers would often tell me they loved my passion when I’d be sitting there crying because I remembered my Dad was dead after managing to feel normal for five minutes, then feeling guilty and mad at myself for feeling normal and not missing my Dad. I didn’t know how to express that sadness so I let her think the poems had moved me deeply. Then I felt guilty for not correcting her, it felt like she was giving me too much undeserved credit. It was cyclical.

Hormones Are Real, But They’re Not the Whole Story

  • Estrogen and serotonin are linked, and hormone changes do affect mood, but they don’t create mental illness out of thin air. They might exacerbate underlying issues, especially in people already dealing with bipolar disorder, ADHD, or CPTSD.
  • There’s a term for the way women’s pain and emotion are dismissed: “hysteria bias.” (Yes, it’s as fun as it sounds.)
  • Fact: One study in The Lancet Psychiatry (2019) confirmed women with bipolar disorder have a more depressive-dominant form, while men tend toward more manic episodes — yet men are still diagnosed earlier and taken more seriously.

Like I don’t want to call anyone out but ah, my hip has been messed up for YEARS, and multiple x-rays have showed it, yet my last doctor would go ‘ Well, with your fibro its hard to say….’ Um no it wasnt hard at all the next doctor didnt even have the x-ray dry before telling me how jacked up it was. Let me tell you, only YOU are going to prioritize your health, even if you have the best doc in the world who legitimately cares for you, you are still one of but many they think about, so if you are not looking out for and advocating for you then who is?

 You’re Not Difficult — You’re Operating With Faulty Wiring and a Broken Support Manual

  • Stop apologizing for being “too sensitive” or “too much.” The world just hasn’t adapted to emotionally fluent people.
  • You aren’t broken. You’re just working with a neurochemical system that isn’t always on your side.
  • The myth of the difficult woman is a tool used to keep women quiet, compliant, and apologizing for their own damn nervous systems.

So the next time someone says you’re being moody, thank them. Because “moody” is just code for “having the guts to feel things deeply while still managing to feed a family, run a house, battle a diagnosis, and survive late-stage capitalism.”
Call me moody again and I’ll invoice you for the unpaid therapy session you just triggered. Emotional depth isn’t a flaw — it’s a full-time job with no PTO.

Til Next Time Gang, take care of yourselves, and each other

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Understanding the Aftermath of Hypomania (aka: When the Glitter Settles)

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There’s something almost intoxicating about hypomania. Your brain buzzes, ideas come faster than you can write them down, and suddenly everything feels possible. You’re cleaning the garage, starting a new project, texting friends back after weeks of silence, and maybe even feeling like you’ve finally “figured it out.”

But here’s the part people don’t talk about enough: what happens after.

When the sparkle fades and your energy crashes back to earth, you’re left sorting through the emotional and physical wreckage. It’s not just exhaustion—it’s this weird cocktail of regret, confusion, and grief. You might feel raw, embarrassed, or even guilty for things you said or started and couldn’t finish. That aftermath can be brutal.

Hypomania is part of bipolar II disorder—it’s marked by elevated mood, a surge in productivity, and bursts of creativity or restlessness. But while it can feel euphoric at the time, the come-down can leave you reeling, questioning your choices, and trying to clean up the mess your over-caffeinated brain tornadoed through.

The Cycle of Risk and Regret (a.k.a. Oops, I Did It Again — But Not in a Fun Britney Way)

Here’s the thing no one glamorizes about hypomania: the aftermath of impulsive choices that seemed like brilliant ideas at the time. One minute you’re ordering $200 worth of “self-improvement” stuff at 2 a.m., signing up for a new certification course, and texting your ex like you’re starring in your own comeback tour — and the next, you’re wondering what the hell just happened.

And science backs it up. According to research published on PubMed, people in hypomanic states often engage in high-risk behaviors — overspending, substance use, reckless decisions — the kind of things that feel like you’re chasing possibility, but too often watching it all boomerang back with the grace of a collapsing Jenga tower.

What follows? That slow, sinking feeling. Guilt. Shame. Maybe even avoidance. You look at the credit card bill, or a strained relationship, and suddenly the vibrant energy of hypomania gets replaced with the emotional hangover no one warned you about.

You’re not the only one who’s been caught in this loop. You’re not a bad person. You’re a person with a disorder that messes with impulse and inhibition. It doesn’t excuse the consequences, but it does explain the pattern — and understanding the pattern is how we start breaking it. I was so stuck here myself but perhaps worse is the gaslighting I do over EVERY. SINGLE. DECISION. afterwards because I sincerely have lost all faith in my own judgment. Like every little thing, ‘is it a good idea or are you just manic’ plays in my head on a loop.

The Crash Landing No One Talks About

If hypomania feels like flying a little too close to the sun, then the crash that follows is more than just a rough landing — it’s a total freefall. One minute, you’re bursting with ideas and energy, barely sleeping, maybe even reorganizing the garage at 2 a.m. like you’re possessed by the spirit of Marie Kondo on espresso. And then… it’s like the lights shut off. The energy vanishes. You’re not just tired — you’re hollowed out. The sadness is deep, the fatigue bone-heavy, and everything starts to feel like too much and not enough, all at once.

It’s not just a “mood swing.” It’s a full-body, full-mind shutdown that makes even brushing your teeth feel like a high-stakes negotiation. And the cruelest part? The contrast. You remember how you felt just days ago, and now you can’t fathom getting off the couch. That whiplash is its own kind of heartbreak. Like it physically makes me ache sometimes.

When Life Throws a Brick Through the Window

Here’s the thing: if you’re already dancing on the edge of a depressive episode, real-life chaos doesn’t just nudge you — it can send you tumbling. Research backs this up: negative life events (you know, the kinds that seem to show up all at once like uninvited guests) have been shown to intensify depressive symptoms in folks with bipolar disorder [PMC, Cleveland Clinic]. And if you’re someone already wired with a predisposition

to depression? That impact hits even harder. It’s why managing stress isn’t just a suggestion — it’s survival. I will legit cry over such trivial stuff, then hate myself cuz I KNOW its dumb to cry about it so I cry more cuz I’m mad at myself for not being able to look at a situation thats got nothing to do with me or so so trivial Learning how to soften life’s blows, build resilience, and stack the odds in your favor might not make the hard stuff disappear, but it can definitely make it hurt less when it lands.

Moving Forward: Strategies for Coping (AKA, Surviving the Crash Without Losing Your Damn Mind)

Look, managing life after hypomania is like waking up in a house you swore you just deep cleaned, only to find emotional dishes stacked in every room. But there are ways to climb out of the mess — even if you’re doing it one spoon at a time.

🔹 Self-Compassion
This is not a personal failure, a moral shortcoming, or some character flaw you need to apologize for. It’s a medical condition — full stop. Remind yourself (repeatedly, if needed) that what you’re feeling isn’t your fault. You’re not broken, you’re human. In a world that crops all the edges to paint a rosier picture be the straight angle in black and white.

🔹 Structured Support
When your brain feels like a Pinterest board of chaos, routines can become lifelines. Simple, repeatable actions — morning check-ins, meal planning, a therapy appointment every other Tuesday — can help stabilize the rollercoaster. And yes, professional help is allowed and encouraged (therapy = tools, not weakness). Every morning my routine has been the same for years, Duolingo while I listen to stand up comedy with the news in the background, if any of those is missing my day starts out lacking which leads to a bad day

🔹 Community Connection
Even if you’re more “socially exhausted introvert” than “group hug enthusiast,” connecting with people who get it can make a huge difference. Whether it’s an online forum, a group chat, or that one friend who won’t judge your 2 a.m. existential texts — don’t go it alone. Thats what I’m trying to do here, build a community, hopefully to work right on up to a forum we can all support each other. Thats my goal anyway the minute I can sell enough in my store to pay to host the forum it will be done!

Understanding the highs and lows — especially the rough emotional terrain that can follow hypomania — isn’t just helpful, it’s empowering. When you mix solid science with self-awareness and some well-worn coping tools, you start to feel just a little more in control. Not perfect, not invincible — but stronger. And that counts. Til next time gang, take care of yourselves, and each other.
P.S. If this hit a little close to home and you’re looking for something to help you process the messy in-between parts — I made a workbook just for this. It’s not magic, but it’s honest, helpful, and created by someone who’s been there. Check it out

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Welcome to “Bipolar Disorder: The Emotional Rollercoaster You Never Bought a Ticket For”

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Alright gang we’re about to dive into the wild world of Bipolar Disorder – it’s like a mood ring on steroids, but way less fun and a lot more “What the fuck is happening to me? Let’s get one thing straight: Bipolar Disorder isn’t just feeling a bit up and down. Oh no, that would be too simple. It’s more like your emotions decided to throw a rave in your brain, and everyone’s invited – from the life of the party (mania) to that one friend who always cries in the bathroom (depression).

Imagine a color spectrum, but instead of pretty rainbow colors, it’s various intensities of “Holy shit, what am I feeling?” On one end, we’ve got: Mania: The ultimate “hold my beer” moment. You’re invincible, you’re a genius, and sleep is for the weak.
Example: Sarah decides to redecorate her entire house at 3 AM while simultaneously learning Mandarin and starting an online business. Because why the fuck not? Side note: I wanted to give a random example here with some off the wall stuff, but my moment of clarity and getting myself help was during a mania episode, I was up alone at 3 am, both (only two at the time) kids were curled up in my bed but I couldnt shut my brain off so I decided that would be the best time to SCRUB THE KITCHEN FLOOR WITH A TOOTH BRUSH. I didn’t remember the thought process, only that I can see clear as day in my mind the look up at the clock. The look down at the red toothbrush. The feeling like ‘I don’t think this is what normal people do AT ALL’. It was the catalyst to so much in my life, but thats not relevant here.

Hypomania: Mania’s slightly less unhinged cousin. You’re productive, creative, and feeling great! Until you’re not. Example: Mark starts a new business venture and is convinced he’ll be the next Elon Musk. Spoiler alert: He won’t be.

On the other end, we’ve got:

Depression: When your bed becomes your best friend and showering feels like climbing Mount Everest. Example: Emily can’t remember the last time she changed her underwear, and at this point, she’s too afraid to check.
But wait, there’s more! Because Bipolar Disorder loves to keep us on our toes, it throws in a fun little twist called:

Mixed Episodes: When Your Brain Can’t Decide Which Flavor of Crazy to Be
Imagine having all the energy of George on espresso but with the mood of a wet cat. That’s a mixed episode for you. It’s like your brain is playing ping pong with your emotions, and you’re the ball.You might feel:

  • Like you could run a marathon, but also like you want to cry while doing it.
  • Full of brilliant ideas, but too exhausted to even write them down.
  • Ready to take on the world, but also like the world is out to get you.

It’s a special kind of hell where you’re simultaneously too much and not enough.

Coping with this Shitshow
So, how do we deal with this emotional dumpster fire? Here are some ideas that might help (no promises, though):

  1. Meds: Because sometimes your brain needs a chemical babysitter.
  2. Therapy: For when you need to vent to someone who’s legally obligated to listen.
  3. Support Network: Find your tribe of fellow chaos enthusiasts who get it.

Remember gang, Bipolar Disorder is different for everyone. It’s like a fingerprint, but instead of being useful for identification, it just makes your life interesting in ways you never asked for. It’s like being on an emotional rollercoaster designed by Salvador Dali. It’s complex, it’s challenging, and it’s uniquely yours.

Now go forth, you spectacular screw-ups, and embrace your personal brand of beautiful chaos. Because in the end, we’re all just trying to navigate this wild ride called life – some of us just have more frequent and intense side quests. Take care of yourself, and each other.

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Balancing Creativity and Risk

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Living with ADHD brings its own set of challenges, from struggling with focus and organization to navigating daily tasks. However, one often overlooked aspect of ADHD is impulsivity—a trait that goes beyond mere spontaneity and can significantly impact decision-making, finances, and relationships. When paired with bipolar disorder and its manic phases, impulsivity takes on an even more complex dimension, swinging between moments of exhilarating creativity and potentially risky behavior. The bounce between the extremes can be exhausting.

ADHD impulsivity is like having a toddler at the wheel of your decision-making process. “Ooh, shiny!” becomes your life motto as you navigate a world full of temptations and distractions. Your bank account? A magical place where money disappears faster than your ability to remember why you walked into a room. Relationships? A thrilling game of “How Many Foot-in-Mouth Moments Can I Have Today?” If you are me, the answer is usually ALL OF THEM. Add bipolar mania to the mix, and suddenly you’re not just impulsive – you’re impulsive with a side of “I can conquer the world in my underwear!”

When bipolar mania crashes the ADHD party, it’s like your brain decided to upgrade from espresso to rocket fuel. Suddenly, every half-baked idea seems like pure genius. “Start a llama farm in the Arctic? Brilliant!” (This sent me on a side quest to see if there were llamas in the Arctic, from what I’m reading, the answer is yes?) Your creativity skyrockets, and for a brief, glorious moment, you’re convinced you’re the love child of Einstein and Picasso.The problem? That fine line between “creative genius” and “holy shit, what was I thinking?” becomes blurrier than your vision after a tequila binge.

In everyday life, impulsivity can lead to financial troubles as individuals with ADHD may overspend on fleeting desires or fail to budget effectively. Relationships can suffer due to impulsive outbursts or decisions that strain trust and communication. Professionally, impulsivity may result in missed deadlines or unfinished projects as focus shifts rapidly from one idea to another. During manic episodes, the intersection of impulsivity and creativity becomes pronounced. Mania is characterized by heightened energy, racing thoughts, and inflated self-esteem—traits that, when combined with ADHD impulsivity, can fuel bursts of creativity and productivity. During these times, individuals may feel invincible, generating innovative ideas and pursuing ambitious projects with fervor and enthusiasm.

Mania can lead to moments of brilliance in artistic endeavors (really! just by sheer volume of things running through my head. its a numbers game, one of them is the magic, we just gotta find it), entrepreneurial ventures, or academic pursuits. The ability to think outside the box and take risks can result in breakthrough innovations and unconventional solutions. Many creative geniuses throughout history are believed to have had traits associated with ADHD and bipolar disorder, harnessing their unique neurodivergent perspectives to reshape art, science, and culture.

However, the flip side of this creative dynamism is the potential for risky behavior. Impulsivity during manic episodes can lead to reckless spending, engaging in unsafe activities, or making decisions with far-reaching consequences. The euphoria and grandiosity of mania may obscure the risks involved, leading individuals to disregard caution and endanger their well-being or the stability of their relationships.

Managing impulsivity in the context of ADHD and bipolar disorder requires a multifaceted approach.

Navigating the Chaos: Tips for the Creatively Unhinged:

  1. Embrace the Madness (But Maybe Wear a Helmet): Your brain’s unique wiring is a superpower and a curse. Use it to create, innovate, and occasionally freak out the normies.
  2. Find Your Kryptonite Crew: Surround yourself with people who’ll admire your genius but also gently remind you that, no, you can’t actually fly.
  3. Therapy: Because Sometimes You Need a Professional to Tell You You’re Not Actually Losing It
  4. Medication Roulette: Work with your doc to find the right cocktail of meds. It’s like playing pharmacological Jenga, but with your sanity! This is one of my most hated things, I do not enjoy this one, because medication wears off, our bodies have minute chemical differences so what works for you might not work for others and vice versa. Sometimes the side effects cancel out the benefits.
  5. Impulse Control Hacks: Implement a 24-hour rule for big decisions. If it still seems like a good idea after a day, maybe it’s not just the mania talking.

Remember, fellow chaotic creatives, you’re not broken – you’re just operating on a different frequency. A frequency that sometimes leads to groundbreaking ideas and other times to wondering why you thought skydiving without a parachute was a solid plan.

So embrace your wild, impulsive, manic-creative self. Just maybe keep the receipts for those 3 AM purchases, yeah? ‘Oh Look! George!’

Disclaimer: This blog post is not a substitute for actual medical advice. Please consult a professional before making any life-altering decisions, especially if they involve llamas or Arctic real estate. Til next time gang, take care of yourself, and each other!
‘No George, we absolutely do NOT need an Alpaca, I don’t care how good of a deal you can get.’

DAMN IT. Meet Lenny, he’s fancy.

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New month new problems…

JoLeave a comment

Well not new, but now that fibro awareness month has passed and I’ve given you all a month of details about how shitty that is, lets talk about something else for a few days, its cool guys I have PLENTY of topics to discuss, today lets talk a bit about Bipolar. I’ve had Bipolar for longer than I’ve had fibro, but it always takes the backseat until it hits an extreme. I’m currently in the wild throes of a mixed episode, which means I’m as unpredictable as a bucking bronco at the rodeo after chugging a case of Red Bull. One second I’m crying hysterically, the next I’m trying to lasso and ride the ceiling fan.


My bipolar is like a pinball machine from hell – my brain is the shiny silver ball, ricocheting around at breakneck speeds. The flashing lights are my manic episodes, when I go careening off the paddles of mania, bouncing erratically with frenetic energy. Those paddles smash me from one extreme to the other, never letting me settle.

During the depressive lows, it’s like I get trapped in those draining holes and alleys at the bottom of the machine, the ball stuck in a dark void. I’ll roll listlessly for a while until the mania kicks back in, launching me back into the neon chaos. Thwack! There I go, pinging off the bumpers of delusion and grandiosity. Boing! Now I’m ricocheting off the impulse control ramp straight into a high-risk bender.

All the while, those bipolar mood swings work the flippers, smashing me back and forth between the extreme highs and lows. The tilt sensors are permanently triggered – one little nudge and I go wildly veering off course into an unstable episode. Half the time I’m draining down the hole of suicidal thoughts, the other half I’m smashing into the mania jackpot of reckless benders and bizarre schemes.

It’s a never-ending barrage of bright frantic mania, dark depressive corners, and jarring transitions in between. The only consistent thing is that I’m a pinball being beaten around my bipolar machine’s twisted playground of emotional extremes. The flippers are always primed to send me ricocheting in some manic new direction…until the game inevitably tilts into its next cycle. I go long periods of time in the dark, but I have to always remember there’s light on the other side of it at some point. Even if no one reads this, then 20 yrs from now its stumbled upon and one person feels just a little bit more understood and a little less alone, it’ll have been worth feeling it so I can for one second relate when someone feels their loneliest. Til next time guys, take care of yourselves, and each other.

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Fibromyalgia, Bipolar, and me…

JoLeave a comment

Hi Guys!
I’m actually writing this out before hand because my endless streams of consciousness get confusing and I wanted to give you all some facts with your funny today (or MY funny, I’m not going to presume to know how you feel about things). As I’ve talked about in detail, I suffer from both Bipolar and Fibro among some other alphabet disorders and such. Part of the challenge when you suffer from multiple illnesses is difficulty TREATING the illness has a whole because you are so busy trying to battle symptoms
Ah, the overlap symptoms, where Fibromyalgia and Bipolar Disorder play their favorite game of “Fibro, flare, bipolar or unidentifiable illness?” Let’s dive into this delightful pool of confusion, shall we?

  • Fatigue Fiesta: Is it the fibro fog or the bipolar brain drain? Who knows! One day you’re bouncing off the walls with energy, the next you’re contemplating the physics of whether it’s possible to sleep while standing up. I’m talented enough to get both in the same day. I know, don’t be jealous lol Why choose between chronic fatigue and mood-induced exhaustion when you can have both, right? When you are dealing with this fatigue, it touches so many other parts of your life, and being tired all the time ruins your quality of life.
  • Pain Parade: Is it fibro spreading its discomfort like peanut butter on toast, or just your bipolar mood swings throwing a tantrum in the form of physical agony? Who needs targeted discomfort when you’ve got a buffet of sensations to keep you guessing? Every new ache becomes a game of medical Clue: “Was it Colonel Fibro in the living room with the pain stick, or Professor Bipolar in the kitchen with the mood swing?” It’s like living in a mystery novel, except the plot twists are your own nerve endings.
  • Gaslighting: Oh, don’t even get me started. Before you can say “It’s all in your head,” we’ve already played that mind game with ourselves a hundred times over. And when someone finally agrees with the doubts we’ve been wrestling with, it’s like a twisted validation that only makes things worse.
  • Take my cardiac arrest saga, for example. My heart decided to play hopscotch with its rhythm, and each fluttery beat had me convinced it was just another fibro flare-up. So, I shrugged it off, attributing it to the usual suspects. Turns out, it was a serious problem hiding in plain sight, but hey, who needs hindsight when you’ve got a PhD in self-gaslighting, right?
  • So, here’s to the dangers of doubting your own symptoms and the perils of playing doctor with Dr. Google. Because when it comes to your health, it’s better to be safe than sorry – even if it means admitting that sometimes, you don’t have all the answers.
  • Sleepless Slumber Party: Can’t sleep? Welcome to the club! With both fibro and bipolar on the guest list, your nights are a delightful mix of tossing, turning, and contemplating the meaning of life at 3 AM. Is it the fibro’s fault for making your bed feel like a bed of nails, or is it the bipolar’s insistence on turning your brain into a 24/7 circus of thoughts? Sleep is overrated anyway, right? That’s why sticking to a routine is essential. I sleep ok finally, but I had to change a lot, I’m in bed by 9pm 90% of the time because I changed my routine to what fit me best. For the life of me I CANNOT sleep past 4 am so I have to adjust my bedtime accordingly. As I said, listen to the natural rhythm of your body as much as you can
  • Mood Swing Shindig: Ah, the pièce de résistance of symptom overlap! One minute you’re as giddy as a kid in a candy store, the next you’re contemplating whether it’s socially acceptable to cry into your cereal. Is it the fibro fog clouding your emotions, or is it the bipolar rollercoaster taking you on a wild ride through the valleys of despair and the peaks of mania? Who needs emotional stability when you can have a mood swing buffet? Being in a mixed episode for a prolonged period of time, I can’t hold on to the ride and bouncing between the highs and lows is leaving me bruised and bewildered
  • So, dear patient, welcome to the wonderful world where fibro and bipolar team up to keep you guessing and your doctors scratching their heads. Who needs clarity when you can have a medical mystery novel written by the masters of chaos themselves? Enjoy the ride!

Be kind to yourselves, and each other!

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Ok, so we’ll try…

JoLeave a comment

Ok, its three and I want to write, lets see how this works out lol.
I said we were going to talk about Mania today, and in a way we will. Its also like talking about the way our brains lie.


I’m manic. I know that. Its a proven fact. But for anyone who thinks of mania as happy, I respectfully disagree.

So what is mania to ME (everyone’s body chemistry is different and mania might look different on you, I’m only speaking about my own experiences).

Mania is my brain on overload. This will make someones eye twitch but I have three screens up. One I’m typing this on, next to me youtube is open on a video I was dancing to a few minutes ago. Its paused so I can continue dancing to it (Too Sweet by Hozier if you are wondering) when I’m done or at 3:50 so I can get my steps in. My top monitor is discord, my kindle is directly next to my hand open to the book I’m reading. And beyond that the tv is on and its an episode I haven’t seen before. Drives hubby crazy when I do this but I can pay enough attention to get the gist of it, and I periodically stop and stare at it forgetting everything else I am doing. And I just did it again, I did my steps watched SVU then sat back down now I need to get back into story telling mode. George has the damn zoomies today I swear.

So now its 3:30. But I’m focused.

Ok so mania to me is, I can’t stop. My brain is already four sentences ahead of me. That’s not always terrible. Annoying, but not always terrible. I think it gives me golden retriever energy (think, comin’ at you with happy but persistent love. smothering you with it). Filling the silence with my own voice, and I HATE my own voice, so I try and drown it out with all kinds of STUFF, from writing here, to catching up on shows and books to chatting, I try and keep at least two things going on inside my brain.

Why? Why not let the thoughts come you may ask. Its a fair question. My answer is that nine out of ten times those thoughts are negative and destructive. They are intrusive and while I used to take in all those bad thoughts, sit with them, probe them, scratch at them, chew on them until I could decide why I felt the way I felt and where the thoughts were spawning from. I can’t do that any more. No one can hate me more than I hate my past self, but that’s where I have to stop. Hating myself for my past mistakes gets me nowhere. Until a Delorean pulls up in front of my home and tells me to hop in, I’m stuck living with what my past self did and how she was. That’s not sustainable. I can’t live in the past. So I fumble and forge ahead with all the grace of a lumbering elephant.


So the multiple screens and such to keep my brain busy so I don’t get any of the REAL BAD intrusive thoughts. These I’m sure many are familiar with. I’m a truly terrible person for what I said to this person that day. Irredeemable who cares its been 15 years, I am a bad person, I deserve to feel this alone, why would ANYONE put up with my quirks, who do I think I am? What purpose do I serve? Am I worth the air I breathe? I’m useless and I’m taking up space/attention/time of someone who has much better things to do.


Do I need to go on? Frankly even just saying that the thoughts are in there is like a little win. I know my heart is good. I know (intellectually) that I am loved. But you see how they attack like that? Like I’ll just be sitting here and forget something and the inner voice comes out ‘you’re so dumb bitch you were JUST thinking a thought, its not important just like you’re not’ then I hear that inner monologue and its like WHOA HARSH! PIPE YOUR LITTLE SELF DOWN RIGHT NOW MISSY! HERE SING NOVEMBER RAIN WHILE I DIG UP A MEMORY FROM 1998 THAT YOU CAN RELIVE AND ANALYZE THE SHIT OUT OF. That ought to keep you busy.

Even when I don’t THINK I’m having them I have them, if someone doesn’t answer a call or a text within like 2 hrs my brain starts analyzing every single interaction wondering what I said or did wrong.

I wish I had the drive and focus to do half the ideas that float by my brain when I’m like this, and I say float because that’s what happens, float, hover, kiss but never really fully fleshing out an idea in my head. Now I have some awesome ‘i’s, and some amazing ‘id’s on occasion but not the real full ‘IDEAS‘, I can’t hold it in my brain long enough to think about them or I bet they would be some doozies that would change the world.

Part of the time I even know its going to happen, I know I can’t change it, so I hold on for the ride. I can be talking to you, looking at you, full on engaged in the conversation I probably even initiated, and my brains like OOPS WE ARE FULL NO MORE ROOM AT THE INN, TRY ME AGAIN AFTER NAP TIME.

It happens so many times hubby says he can see it in my eyes lol now.

I hate that I feel this way, its like an itch just under my skin that I can’t get to. Thing is, I SEE EXACTLY why I am ‘too much’ for others, half the time I’m too much for myself, so I don’t blame people for not liking me. Still hurts but I see their point.

Anyway, that’s just my experience with mania and intrusive thoughts, I’d love to hear about yours, and how you shut up the voice constantly telling you that you suck. You are amazing and I’m glad you are not listening to them, you are cared for and loved and we need you here to anyone who needed to hear it. Til tomorrow guys, be kind to yourself and each other.

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Flare, illness or other…

JoLeave a comment

Good Morning ladies and gents, it is time for one of my least favorite games (its right up there with heart attack panic attack or the unexplained electrical issue coming to take you and finish the job they’ve been working on for more than ten years).
Yesterday morning I got up, nursed my coffee and didn’t do much until lunch time. I was working on a chore chart for kiddo, she already does chores this is just about accountability. I made the turkey burger helper that kiddo wanted, started a load of laundry, divided up the food into portions to make reheating easier, then wanted to mow so I could zone and its supposed to rain today and I hadn’t gotten the grass seed out so I went down and grabbed the battery to put it in the mower only to find that I had not put it on the charger, same with the weed eater. Ok, I still had the rake handy and felt like I needed the sunlight. I got out there and tried to loosen all that soil to get it prepped for the grass seed. Still feeling ok, trade out the rake for the mower. I had put the battery on the charger earlier and I figured sure its not full but there’s probably enough charge in there to get the very front corner of the yard which is where a majority of the grass seed needs to be spread. I spread the seed then raked again. Maybe halfway through I started feeling a recent new bothersome symptom, little electric pulses, kind of like shivers on the inside, Then I tried to contort myself to side stepping down the hill and I felt the BLINDING split second pain in my hip, which is my inside scar in my hip, it feels like bones rubbing together. So I decided that was my call to pack it up for the night so inside I went, hip pain was what I’d call ‘sore, more of an ache’ whereas the blinding pain is split second and more of a white burning sharp poke inside. Also new, my palms and bottoms of my feet hurt and feel like they are burning.
So I went inside and took my shower but I was just DONE sat on my heating pad all night and accomplished jack shit but today I feel like a train hit me. Hands and feet burning, hip hurting so bad I’m actually sweating because of it, (if you’ve ever felt that kind of pain I promise it will make sense to one of you). I am continually gaslighting myself saying its no big deal. Also I am exhausted. I will be able to nap after my alarm clock duties, but I am achy and exhausted and whiny and just want to stop and acknowledge it. The reason why I acknowledge it is to treat it or to let it go. I’m hurting because I did too much and didn’t listen to my body. I know the best course of action is to take it easy today. I do, I know this…

BUT even though I’m smart enough to know this, know the truth of it, have lived it in the past, my brain also is telling me ‘shut up, its fine, walk it off, dance it off, you need to move bitch, your skin is crawling, this that and the other thing needs your time and attention or they will cease to exist’ I feel like waking up this morning and getting my family up used ALL my spoons. I am exhibiting classic manic behavior and would probably benefit from some type of tranquilizer, but as I previously mentioned, went off A LOT of meds that were doing more harm than good to me. I will not tell you what to do, but I will tell you all that I’ve done with my own treatment and you do you, I don’t advocate and am not paid by anyone, talk to your doc about anything and everything I say. Its rare, but I’ve been wrong lol its been known to happen. If you take one thing away from my experiences, use my research to ask your doctor about, because I will say this until I am blue in the face OUR BODIES ALL HAVE DIFFERENT CHEMISTRY AND BALANCE, DOWN TO THE MINUTE LITTLE INCONSISTENCIES AND WE ALL REACT DIFFERENTLY TO DIFFERENT THINGS. WHAT WORKED FOR ME MIGHT NOT WORK FOR YOU AND VICE VERSA.

My mania has made it almost painful to sit here and not do things. I’m fooling my brain into thinking we ARE doing something, we are putting thoughts to ‘paper’. Let me tell you my mania and you can make your own definition of degree.

– I have two browsers open, and two windows on each. I was going to count tabs open, but the one I mainly use for youtube or music has 57 tabs. FIFTY SEVEN. That’s one window. There are three more. All the tabs are thoughts I’ve had that I want to get back to and not forget. Just thinking of all of them open makes my eye twitch.

– Some of the tabs in the other windows are Amazon with all different things that I heard about or thought I MIGHT need. Some even have them in my cart. This is dangerous because my rational self knows I blow through money on needless shit when I’m manic and I can’t afford to do that. BUT what if I do actually NEED it?

– HYPERFOCUS It can be a good thing. I managed to get the drive to get my site back and start it up again. BUT as my mania wears on it splinters off and I’m juggling multiple hyper fixations, its untenable and leads to deep feelings of failure and depression. Like my little Etsy store

– Some unhealthy/inconvenient habits have emerged. I will not bore you with details, especially about the more ‘unsavory’ ones, but my OCD is insane, I’ll be going about my day and decide oh, I need to do this. Then an undetermined time later I find myself knee deep in cleaning something that I walked by and decided was dirty. Today it was my vacuum cleaner. To be clear, I WAS vacuuming, that’s what I got it out for, then my body was just on cruise or auto until I come back a few minutes later sitting next to my vacuum with a wet soapy towel. Did it need it? Probably. Did it need it RIGHT NOW while I woke up feeling like somebody ran me over in my dreams? Probably not.

– There’s all manner of miscommunication going on in my brain. Neurons misfiring. I can see this in so many ways. On the outside I’m going from task to task, singing, dancing, moving, smiling even, but you are not hearing the inner dialogue (monologue? All the voices in all the arguments are my voices lol so I don’t know what that counts as) I sent two family members texts yesterday and they didn’t answer. They don’t like me/ only put up with me because they feel obligated. They are together somewhere laughing at what an idiot I am for thinking they care. I AM an idiot, why would anyone care about me? Whats my contribution to their life, I don’t blame them for laughing at me/hating me/ being done with me. What if they died? Would anyone even tell you? What if YOU died, would they care? CONSTANT CONSTANT CONSTANT FOR HOURS ON END then the watch buzzes.

“Oh hey, sorry I was caught up with something whats up with you?” – 3 hours later, 90% of the time
-My partner actually gave me some insight after watching me struggle with this and it blew my mind because 1. He’s right and 2. I understand what he means now and its improved our lives so much. He said ‘you know this is like bringing me in mid-conversation.’ We both know I do this now and I’m working on it and he’s understanding since we know where both of us are coming from now
– Also, time passes different for me sometimes I blink and its Friday and some days its endlessly Wednesday, but when I text someone, either I will obsess to the point of insanity and watching each minute pass with no response, or I will make up imaginary scenarios in my head, but if I find a side quest, I will forget when where why how and what, and then the message is like a little gift. Even though I sent one first if I don’t remember it. its brand new!


Ok I think I’m going to leave this here I will no doubt think of more manic things, but its safe to say I’m making reckless decisions in one of several areas of my life and those decisions are having a kind of build up, whipping everything into a frenzy that I have no idea how to regain control of. It is what it is and I will deal with it but its daunting, so if anyone else is going through this, has gone through it, you are not alone!
I gotta go for now I have some tabs to close LOL but be kind to yourselves and each other!