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Welcome to “Bipolar Disorder: The Emotional Rollercoaster You Never Bought a Ticket For”

Alright gang we’re about to dive into the wild world of Bipolar Disorder – it’s like a mood ring on steroids, but way less fun and a lot more “What the fuck is happening to me? Let’s get one thing straight: Bipolar Disorder isn’t just feeling a bit up and down. Oh no, that would be too simple. It’s more like your emotions decided to throw a rave in your brain, and everyone’s invited – from the life of the party (mania) to that one friend who always cries in the bathroom (depression).

Imagine a color spectrum, but instead of pretty rainbow colors, it’s various intensities of “Holy shit, what am I feeling?” On one end, we’ve got: Mania: The ultimate “hold my beer” moment. You’re invincible, you’re a genius, and sleep is for the weak.
Example: Sarah decides to redecorate her entire house at 3 AM while simultaneously learning Mandarin and starting an online business. Because why the fuck not? Side note: I wanted to give a random example here with some off the wall stuff, but my moment of clarity and getting myself help was during a mania episode, I was up alone at 3 am, both (only two at the time) kids were curled up in my bed but I couldnt shut my brain off so I decided that would be the best time to SCRUB THE KITCHEN FLOOR WITH A TOOTH BRUSH. I didn’t remember the thought process, only that I can see clear as day in my mind the look up at the clock. The look down at the red toothbrush. The feeling like ‘I don’t think this is what normal people do AT ALL’. It was the catalyst to so much in my life, but thats not relevant here.

Hypomania: Mania’s slightly less unhinged cousin. You’re productive, creative, and feeling great! Until you’re not. Example: Mark starts a new business venture and is convinced he’ll be the next Elon Musk. Spoiler alert: He won’t be.

On the other end, we’ve got:

Depression: When your bed becomes your best friend and showering feels like climbing Mount Everest. Example: Emily can’t remember the last time she changed her underwear, and at this point, she’s too afraid to check.
But wait, there’s more! Because Bipolar Disorder loves to keep us on our toes, it throws in a fun little twist called:

Mixed Episodes: When Your Brain Can’t Decide Which Flavor of Crazy to Be
Imagine having all the energy of George on espresso but with the mood of a wet cat. That’s a mixed episode for you. It’s like your brain is playing ping pong with your emotions, and you’re the ball.You might feel:

  • Like you could run a marathon, but also like you want to cry while doing it.
  • Full of brilliant ideas, but too exhausted to even write them down.
  • Ready to take on the world, but also like the world is out to get you.

It’s a special kind of hell where you’re simultaneously too much and not enough.

Coping with this Shitshow
So, how do we deal with this emotional dumpster fire? Here are some ideas that might help (no promises, though):

  1. Meds: Because sometimes your brain needs a chemical babysitter.
  2. Therapy: For when you need to vent to someone who’s legally obligated to listen.
  3. Support Network: Find your tribe of fellow chaos enthusiasts who get it.

Remember gang, Bipolar Disorder is different for everyone. It’s like a fingerprint, but instead of being useful for identification, it just makes your life interesting in ways you never asked for. It’s like being on an emotional rollercoaster designed by Salvador Dali. It’s complex, it’s challenging, and it’s uniquely yours.

Now go forth, you spectacular screw-ups, and embrace your personal brand of beautiful chaos. Because in the end, we’re all just trying to navigate this wild ride called life – some of us just have more frequent and intense side quests. Take care of yourself, and each other.

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Ok, so we’ll try…

Ok, its three and I want to write, lets see how this works out lol.
I said we were going to talk about Mania today, and in a way we will. Its also like talking about the way our brains lie.


I’m manic. I know that. Its a proven fact. But for anyone who thinks of mania as happy, I respectfully disagree.

So what is mania to ME (everyone’s body chemistry is different and mania might look different on you, I’m only speaking about my own experiences).

Mania is my brain on overload. This will make someones eye twitch but I have three screens up. One I’m typing this on, next to me youtube is open on a video I was dancing to a few minutes ago. Its paused so I can continue dancing to it (Too Sweet by Hozier if you are wondering) when I’m done or at 3:50 so I can get my steps in. My top monitor is discord, my kindle is directly next to my hand open to the book I’m reading. And beyond that the tv is on and its an episode I haven’t seen before. Drives hubby crazy when I do this but I can pay enough attention to get the gist of it, and I periodically stop and stare at it forgetting everything else I am doing. And I just did it again, I did my steps watched SVU then sat back down now I need to get back into story telling mode. George has the damn zoomies today I swear.

So now its 3:30. But I’m focused.

Ok so mania to me is, I can’t stop. My brain is already four sentences ahead of me. That’s not always terrible. Annoying, but not always terrible. I think it gives me golden retriever energy (think, comin’ at you with happy but persistent love. smothering you with it). Filling the silence with my own voice, and I HATE my own voice, so I try and drown it out with all kinds of STUFF, from writing here, to catching up on shows and books to chatting, I try and keep at least two things going on inside my brain.

Why? Why not let the thoughts come you may ask. Its a fair question. My answer is that nine out of ten times those thoughts are negative and destructive. They are intrusive and while I used to take in all those bad thoughts, sit with them, probe them, scratch at them, chew on them until I could decide why I felt the way I felt and where the thoughts were spawning from. I can’t do that any more. No one can hate me more than I hate my past self, but that’s where I have to stop. Hating myself for my past mistakes gets me nowhere. Until a Delorean pulls up in front of my home and tells me to hop in, I’m stuck living with what my past self did and how she was. That’s not sustainable. I can’t live in the past. So I fumble and forge ahead with all the grace of a lumbering elephant.


So the multiple screens and such to keep my brain busy so I don’t get any of the REAL BAD intrusive thoughts. These I’m sure many are familiar with. I’m a truly terrible person for what I said to this person that day. Irredeemable who cares its been 15 years, I am a bad person, I deserve to feel this alone, why would ANYONE put up with my quirks, who do I think I am? What purpose do I serve? Am I worth the air I breathe? I’m useless and I’m taking up space/attention/time of someone who has much better things to do.


Do I need to go on? Frankly even just saying that the thoughts are in there is like a little win. I know my heart is good. I know (intellectually) that I am loved. But you see how they attack like that? Like I’ll just be sitting here and forget something and the inner voice comes out ‘you’re so dumb bitch you were JUST thinking a thought, its not important just like you’re not’ then I hear that inner monologue and its like WHOA HARSH! PIPE YOUR LITTLE SELF DOWN RIGHT NOW MISSY! HERE SING NOVEMBER RAIN WHILE I DIG UP A MEMORY FROM 1998 THAT YOU CAN RELIVE AND ANALYZE THE SHIT OUT OF. That ought to keep you busy.

Even when I don’t THINK I’m having them I have them, if someone doesn’t answer a call or a text within like 2 hrs my brain starts analyzing every single interaction wondering what I said or did wrong.

I wish I had the drive and focus to do half the ideas that float by my brain when I’m like this, and I say float because that’s what happens, float, hover, kiss but never really fully fleshing out an idea in my head. Now I have some awesome ‘i’s, and some amazing ‘id’s on occasion but not the real full ‘IDEAS‘, I can’t hold it in my brain long enough to think about them or I bet they would be some doozies that would change the world.

Part of the time I even know its going to happen, I know I can’t change it, so I hold on for the ride. I can be talking to you, looking at you, full on engaged in the conversation I probably even initiated, and my brains like OOPS WE ARE FULL NO MORE ROOM AT THE INN, TRY ME AGAIN AFTER NAP TIME.

It happens so many times hubby says he can see it in my eyes lol now.

I hate that I feel this way, its like an itch just under my skin that I can’t get to. Thing is, I SEE EXACTLY why I am ‘too much’ for others, half the time I’m too much for myself, so I don’t blame people for not liking me. Still hurts but I see their point.

Anyway, that’s just my experience with mania and intrusive thoughts, I’d love to hear about yours, and how you shut up the voice constantly telling you that you suck. You are amazing and I’m glad you are not listening to them, you are cared for and loved and we need you here to anyone who needed to hear it. Til tomorrow guys, be kind to yourself and each other.