Let’s be honest: pain flares deserve their own tier list.
Not all suffering is created equal. Some flares are just a polite tap on the shoulder and others feel like they’ve traveled across lifetimes to personally drag you into the void.
So in the spirit of scientific accuracy (and by scientific accuracy, I mean vibes), here’s the ultimate ranking:
1️⃣ The Tiny Gremlin Twinge — A Mild Nuisance
This one pops up like, “Hey girl, just checking in!”
It’s annoying, but you can still function… mostly. You limp a little, grab a heating pad just in case, and pretend it’s fine.
It’s never fine — but we lie to ourselves anyway.
2️⃣ The Low-Battery Huff — You’ll Feel This Tomorrow
Your body starts sending strongly worded emails.
It’s not enough to stop you, but everything feels… heavier. Slow. Foggy.
You start rationing spoons like you’re preparing for a winter on the Oregon Trail.
3️⃣ The Surprise Stab — The “Who Threw That?” Pain
Sudden. Sharp. Personal.
Like your muscles decided to reenact a crime scene with no warning.
You freeze, gasp, and immediately question every life decision that led you here.
4️⃣ The Weather Channel Special — Barometric Betrayal
You wake up and instantly know a storm is coming.
Your joints creak like a haunted staircase. Your spine predicts humidity better than any meteorologist.
Honestly, you deserve a salary for this accuracy.
5️⃣ The Sensory Riot — Everything Hurts and Also Everything Is Loud
Pain spike + fibro fog + sensory overload = a cursed smoothie.
Clothes? Too much. Lights? Too bright. Air molecules? Too aggressive.
You consider relocating to a dark, soft cave forever.
6️⃣ The “Cancel All Plans” Episode — Nope. Absolutely Not.
The flare that turns your day into a hostage situation.
Suddenly every joint is negotiating its own peace treaty.
Even sitting still is exhausting. Being alive? Optional.
7️⃣ The Full-Body Betrayal — Your Skeleton Has Filed for Divorce
It spreads. It radiates. It’s everywhere at once.
Nothing helps. No position is comfortable. You do that weird slow shuffle walk that looks like your bones are taped in.
Heating pads, meds, and prayers to whoever will listen.
8️⃣ The “Summon the Ancestors” Flare — You Have Exited This Plane
Oh, this one?
You can feel your DNA screaming.
Pain so intense it becomes almost spiritual. You’re like, “I see the veil… it’s thin… tell MawMaw I’m coming…”
You contemplate your will, your life choices, and whether reincarnation offers better warranty coverage.
Final Thought
Pain flares are rude, unpredictable, and truly lack professionalism.
But calling them out? Naming them? Ranking them like Pokémon?
Sometimes that’s how we cope — with humor, honesty, and a little dramatic flair. Til next time gang, take care of yourselves, and each other.
WannaBeNormal 