Tag: PTSD

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Its not all sunshine and happy pills…

JoLeave a comment

I have a lot of other things I want to talk about but Fibromyalgia is so weird and varied from one person to the next and since the diagnosis tends to come after ruling out all the other causes for the symptoms being experienced and we’ve been talking about the symptoms, lets take a look at some common practices and life style changes recommended to us to help reduce the severity of the symptoms we are experiencing.

Not everyone experiences everything all at once or at all ever, fibro patients are a lot like fibro itself, all over the place. So I picked the solutions I have heard in MY past the most, but we are all different and some of this worked until it didnt, some never worked, and maybe some won’t work on ME because of my comorbidities but might make you feel tiptop. I can only write about the ones I’m familiar with and these are the holistic treatment of the symptoms, not the actual illness. You might need meds, or treatment other than what I’m going to outline. This isnt a rule book, its not a guidebook, its not even a book, I’d say at most its a ‘bo-‘ lol but if any of these are practical, talk to your doc about them, talk to family and friends, talk to other chronic pain sufferers, do your due diligence I guess I am saying.

Now, for those seeking an adventure beyond pill popping, behold the wonders of holistic treatments! Brace yourselves for a journey through the mystical realms of self-care:

Behold the ancient art of “EXERCISE“! Marvel as you engage in low-impact activities like walking, swimming, or biking, all while pretending to enjoy it. Stretching and yoga are also on the menu, promising flexibility and less stiffness, if you can bend that far without groaning. This can be gentle movements on the bad days that you already feel like you’ve gone 10 rounds with the undefeated world champ, or more intense heart rate elevating exercises for the days you don’t feel sore and achey and just kind of miss it lol.


Enter the realm of “healthy diet“! Feast upon the bounty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains, and bid adieu to caffeine and trigger foods… or risk awakening the mighty fibromyalgia beast from its slumber. Now I know that can seem daunting, especially to those with current or former eating disorders, this is one you need to work super close with a doctor or nutritionist on. If nothing else, try to slowly ease the foods that are known triggers from the equation. Give it a month or two at least after any changes and reassess. And don’t beat yourself up over a small screw up, no reason to trash it all or start over, you stumbled, just right yourself and continue on, its not an all or its not worth it scenario, each change is helpful and will have cumulative effects.

Prepare for battle against the nefarious stress! Arm yourself with mindfulness meditation, deep breathing, and other relaxation techniques, and perhaps you’ll emerge victorious against the stress monsters lurking within.

Embark on the quest for quality sleep! Equip yourself with the finest sleep hygiene practices, banish caffeine and screens from your bedside, and venture forth into the land of dreams, where fatigue dares not tread.

Pacing Activities: Learning to balance activity and rest is essential for managing fibromyalgia symptoms. Pacing oneself and avoiding overexertion can help prevent flare-ups and conserve energy for activities that matter most.

Heat and Cold Therapy: Applying heat packs or taking warm baths can help alleviate muscle pain and stiffness, while cold packs can help reduce inflammation and numb painful areas.

Massage Therapy: Massage therapy can help reduce muscle tension, improve circulation, and promote relaxation, which may provide relief from fibromyalgia symptoms.

Supportive Therapies: Engaging in supportive therapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or counseling can help individuals cope with the emotional challenges of living with fibromyalgia and develop effective strategies for managing symptoms.

It’s important for us to work closely with healthcare providers to develop a personalized treatment plan that addresses our specific needs and preferences. Integrating holistic approaches with conventional medical treatments can often lead to better symptom management and overall quality of life.

As you can see, even if you are resistant to taking meds, there are options available, we can’t make it go away but we can beat it into submission with a few of these tips in our arsenal. Are there any tricks you’ve found to be helpful? We love it if you’d share with the class lol
Til next time guys, take care of yourselves, and each other!

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Fibro never comes to the party alone…

JoLeave a comment

I thought it was time we talked about the elephant in the room, or more accurately the elephant on our chests. I’ve been long time friends with depression and anxiety starting way back before I knew Fibro existed. My Bipolar already had me familiar with both but it intensified in recent years as the pain from fibro and other life events try to confuse and confound me, the endless cycle with one thing triggering the other until I reach the point where I just sit paralyzed with so much to do but no idea where to get started, so I just don’t. Which of course makes it worse. *sigh*

Ah, the delightful dance of depression and anxiety with fibromyalgia symptoms, like a twisted tango of torment! Imagine this: You wake up feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck, which, by the way, you suspect would be less painful. Your body is screaming, “Hello, pain!” and your brain is like, “Ah, another fabulous day in Fibro-land.”

So, you drag yourself out of bed, shuffle to the kitchen, and attempt to make breakfast. But wait, what was I doing again? Ah, yes, eggs. Suddenly, your brain decides it’s on vacation and leaves you with a fog thicker than pea soup. You burn the eggs, set off the smoke alarm, and now you’re both in pain and feeling like a culinary failure.

Meanwhile, anxiety’s tapping its foot impatiently in the corner, like, “Come on, can we panic now?” It sees your pain and raises you a healthy dose of worry about the day ahead. “What if I can’t handle work today? What if people notice I’m not okay? What if…what if…what if?” It’s like having a hyperactive squirrel in your brain, constantly running on its little anxiety wheel.

And depression? Oh, depression’s the life of the party! It’s like that one friend who shows up uninvited, crashes on your couch, and refuses to leave. “Why bother getting out of bed? Everything sucks anyway,” it whispers in your ear, while you try to muster the energy to brush your teeth.

But here’s the kicker: depression and anxiety aren’t just content with their own shenanigans; they love to stir the pot of fibromyalgia symptoms. The more you hurt, the more anxious you get about the pain never ending. The more anxious you get, the more your muscles tense up, the more depressed you feel about never being able to escape this merry-go-round of misery.

So, there you have it, the delightful trifecta of fibromyalgia symptoms, depression, and anxiety, all wrapped up in a package of pain and panic. It’s like a rollercoaster ride through Dante’s Inferno, with extra fog and fewer laughs. Ah, the joys of chronic illness!

We will talk more in depth about what to do with these feelings, trying to stop yourself from being anxious and depressed, easier said than done yes, but its going to be the best way to cut off this cycle. I want to hear strategies people! Even little ones, what helps when your so anxious you feel like your insides are itching and clawing their way out? Share with the class if you have any tips or trick to share. Sleep is important too gang, so I’m going to crash, goodnight all, stay kind to yourselves and each other!

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Fibro because its not all about the Zzzs… except when it is…

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Fibro folk, tell me I’m not alone, you’re out, having some fun with friends, one of them out of the handful that are around, knows about your Fibro and inquires about your health. You thank them for their genuine concern, pleased to know someone is listening, when another one says ‘Oh is that the sleeping one? I got some (insert name of sleep supplement here) from facebook/tiktok/my sister’s brother in law’s father’s uncle said it works for all those and it knocks me right out’ while you are looking down so that fire doesnt shoot out of your eye holes you remember you’re too tired to argue with this person that you hardly know about what the different kinds of tireds there are. Let her be her dumb ass self and hope that she never has any type of chronic illness, because you wouldnt wish any of it on your worst enemy let alone this obnoxiously oblivious woman.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) and Fibromyalgia are both chronic conditions characterized by symptoms that can significantly impact a person’s quality of life, but they differ in their primary symptoms and diagnostic criteria. “Just being tired,” on the other hand, typically refers to a temporary state of fatigue that can be alleviated by rest and does not meet the criteria for either CFS or Fibromyalgia.

CFS, also known as Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME), is primarily characterized by profound fatigue that is not alleviated by rest and persists for at least six months. This fatigue is often accompanied by other symptoms such as cognitive difficulties (often referred to as “brain fog”), muscle and joint pain, headaches, sore throat, and tender lymph nodes. The exact cause of CFS is not fully understood, but it is believed to involve a combination of factors including viral infections, immune dysfunction, and psychological stressors.

Fibromyalgia, on the other hand, is primarily characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain and tenderness, often accompanied by fatigue, sleep disturbances, cognitive difficulties, and mood disorders such as depression and anxiety. The pain associated with fibromyalgia typically affects specific tender points in the body, and the condition is thought to involve abnormalities in how the brain and spinal cord process pain signals, as well as factors such as genetics, infections, and trauma.

“Just being tired,” or transient fatigue, is a common experience that everyone encounters at some point in their lives due to factors such as inadequate sleep, physical exertion, stress, or illness. Unlike CFS and Fibromyalgia, transient fatigue typically resolves with rest and does not persist for an extended period of time. While it may share some symptoms with CFS and Fibromyalgia, such as fatigue, it lacks the severity, duration, and accompanying symptoms necessary for a diagnosis of either condition.

Til tomorrow folks, be kind to yourself and one another.

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Tender Point Tango…

JoLeave a comment

Ah, fibromyalgia, the notorious party crasher of the nervous system. If you think of your body as a bustling metropolis, with nerves running around like frantic commuters during rush hour and sprinkle in some miscommunication among these nerves, and ta-da, you’ve got yourself a fibromyalgia flare-up – an event no one signed up for.

Living with fibromyalgia is a bit like playing a twisted game of “Guess That Pain.” You wake up each day, take stock of your aches and pains, and try to play detective to figure out which ailment is causing today’s particular brand of discomfort. Will it be a symphony of soreness or a relentless drumbeat of dull aches? The suspense is killing me…oh wait, no, it’s just the pain.

But there’s a secret component: the tender points. They’re like hidden treasure spots on a map of your body, except instead of gold, you find pure unadulterated pain. Seriously digging on these x’s are not going to find anything remotely rewarding. Prodding them is like poking a bear—you know it’s a terrible idea, yet you can’t resist the temptation to see if it’s still there, waiting to pounce.

Tender points in fibromyalgia are like little pressure-sensitive landmines scattered throughout the body’s landscape. Picture them as tiny protest sites where your nerves have decided to stage a full-blown rebellion against anything remotely resembling comfort.

These tender points aren’t just your run-of-the-mill sore spots and they arent there for decoration; they’re hyper-reactive areas where even the gentlest touch can trigger a symphony of pain signals that reverberate throughout your entire nervous system. While anyone can experience tenderness in various parts of their body, those with fibromyalgia have a specific set of tender points identified by the American College of Rheumatology.

Traditionally, there are 18 designated tender points, symmetrically distributed across the body, ranging from the base of the skull to the inner knee. Pressing on these points feels less like a gentle poke and more like poking a hornet’s nest—you’re bound to get stung.

The role these tender points play in fibromyalgia is twofold. First and foremost, they serve as diagnostic landmarks, helping healthcare professionals differentiate between fibromyalgia and other conditions that may mimic its symptoms. If you wince in agony at the mere mention of pressing on these tender points, congratulations, you’ve just earned yourself a potential fibromyalgia diagnosis.

But beyond their diagnostic significance, tender points are also notorious troublemakers in the world of fibromyalgia management. They’re like stubborn guests at a party who refuse to leave, no matter how many hints you drop. You may try to ignore them, but they’ll make their presence known with a vengeance, sabotaging your attempts at relaxation and hijacking your sleep.

Moreover, these tender points often team up with their cohorts—muscle stiffness, fatigue, and sleep disturbances—to form a formidable alliance against your well-being. They thrive on chaos, exacerbating each other’s effects and leaving you feeling like you’ve been hit by a proverbial pain train.

But fear not, brave fibromyalgia warrior, for knowledge is power. By understanding the role of tender points in your condition, you can arm yourself with strategies to manage their mischief. From gentle stretching and low-impact exercise to stress management techniques and medications, there’s a plethora of tools at your disposal to tame the tender point beast and reclaim control of your life. So the next time those tender points come knocking, show them who’s boss with a steely gaze and a well-aimed dose of self-care.

So here’s to the fibro warriors, bravely battling your own body through each day armed with a healthy dose of humor and a stubborn refusal to let pain steal their joy. After all, if life gives you fibromyalgia, you might as well make jokes about it. Until next time guys, take care of yourselves, and each other.

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Ok, so we’ll try…

JoLeave a comment

Ok, its three and I want to write, lets see how this works out lol.
I said we were going to talk about Mania today, and in a way we will. Its also like talking about the way our brains lie.


I’m manic. I know that. Its a proven fact. But for anyone who thinks of mania as happy, I respectfully disagree.

So what is mania to ME (everyone’s body chemistry is different and mania might look different on you, I’m only speaking about my own experiences).

Mania is my brain on overload. This will make someones eye twitch but I have three screens up. One I’m typing this on, next to me youtube is open on a video I was dancing to a few minutes ago. Its paused so I can continue dancing to it (Too Sweet by Hozier if you are wondering) when I’m done or at 3:50 so I can get my steps in. My top monitor is discord, my kindle is directly next to my hand open to the book I’m reading. And beyond that the tv is on and its an episode I haven’t seen before. Drives hubby crazy when I do this but I can pay enough attention to get the gist of it, and I periodically stop and stare at it forgetting everything else I am doing. And I just did it again, I did my steps watched SVU then sat back down now I need to get back into story telling mode. George has the damn zoomies today I swear.

So now its 3:30. But I’m focused.

Ok so mania to me is, I can’t stop. My brain is already four sentences ahead of me. That’s not always terrible. Annoying, but not always terrible. I think it gives me golden retriever energy (think, comin’ at you with happy but persistent love. smothering you with it). Filling the silence with my own voice, and I HATE my own voice, so I try and drown it out with all kinds of STUFF, from writing here, to catching up on shows and books to chatting, I try and keep at least two things going on inside my brain.

Why? Why not let the thoughts come you may ask. Its a fair question. My answer is that nine out of ten times those thoughts are negative and destructive. They are intrusive and while I used to take in all those bad thoughts, sit with them, probe them, scratch at them, chew on them until I could decide why I felt the way I felt and where the thoughts were spawning from. I can’t do that any more. No one can hate me more than I hate my past self, but that’s where I have to stop. Hating myself for my past mistakes gets me nowhere. Until a Delorean pulls up in front of my home and tells me to hop in, I’m stuck living with what my past self did and how she was. That’s not sustainable. I can’t live in the past. So I fumble and forge ahead with all the grace of a lumbering elephant.


So the multiple screens and such to keep my brain busy so I don’t get any of the REAL BAD intrusive thoughts. These I’m sure many are familiar with. I’m a truly terrible person for what I said to this person that day. Irredeemable who cares its been 15 years, I am a bad person, I deserve to feel this alone, why would ANYONE put up with my quirks, who do I think I am? What purpose do I serve? Am I worth the air I breathe? I’m useless and I’m taking up space/attention/time of someone who has much better things to do.


Do I need to go on? Frankly even just saying that the thoughts are in there is like a little win. I know my heart is good. I know (intellectually) that I am loved. But you see how they attack like that? Like I’ll just be sitting here and forget something and the inner voice comes out ‘you’re so dumb bitch you were JUST thinking a thought, its not important just like you’re not’ then I hear that inner monologue and its like WHOA HARSH! PIPE YOUR LITTLE SELF DOWN RIGHT NOW MISSY! HERE SING NOVEMBER RAIN WHILE I DIG UP A MEMORY FROM 1998 THAT YOU CAN RELIVE AND ANALYZE THE SHIT OUT OF. That ought to keep you busy.

Even when I don’t THINK I’m having them I have them, if someone doesn’t answer a call or a text within like 2 hrs my brain starts analyzing every single interaction wondering what I said or did wrong.

I wish I had the drive and focus to do half the ideas that float by my brain when I’m like this, and I say float because that’s what happens, float, hover, kiss but never really fully fleshing out an idea in my head. Now I have some awesome ‘i’s, and some amazing ‘id’s on occasion but not the real full ‘IDEAS‘, I can’t hold it in my brain long enough to think about them or I bet they would be some doozies that would change the world.

Part of the time I even know its going to happen, I know I can’t change it, so I hold on for the ride. I can be talking to you, looking at you, full on engaged in the conversation I probably even initiated, and my brains like OOPS WE ARE FULL NO MORE ROOM AT THE INN, TRY ME AGAIN AFTER NAP TIME.

It happens so many times hubby says he can see it in my eyes lol now.

I hate that I feel this way, its like an itch just under my skin that I can’t get to. Thing is, I SEE EXACTLY why I am ‘too much’ for others, half the time I’m too much for myself, so I don’t blame people for not liking me. Still hurts but I see their point.

Anyway, that’s just my experience with mania and intrusive thoughts, I’d love to hear about yours, and how you shut up the voice constantly telling you that you suck. You are amazing and I’m glad you are not listening to them, you are cared for and loved and we need you here to anyone who needed to hear it. Til tomorrow guys, be kind to yourself and each other.

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Well staying past your welcome is just plain disrespectful…

JoLeave a comment

I think you can judge by the title what kind of day its been. You probably don’t want or need to hear how the palms of my hands are burning, but I’m going to tell you anyway, because I don’t have to fake smile with you. You don’t need me to be strong. You don’t need me to make responsible decisions. I LIKE that about you so thank you to the one person skimming this with their cereal while doing the crossword, I appreciate you. (Is it raisin bran? You seem like a raising bran person. I am a raisin bran person so I can spot my fellow raisin fans. But I’m also feeling corn flakes and fruit loops and so there’s room for error LOL). We’ll get into that too, the scrolling while doing a crossword and eating cereal. I feel you, I have to keep myself busy too. Its neurodivergence and we will discuss it in great detail once I can form words. I really should write these in the morning before the brain fog machine starts cranking, but nothing has happened by then generally. I’d write about the previous day’s activities but my day gets blurry when I look back. There’s a sweet spot I’m sure I just haven’t found it yet.

So I didn’t do much, one load of laundry, vacuum, dinner, exercise that’s the extent of it. Lots of inside my own head and reflections and spent a bit with monkey just watching tv. Now sitting here I’m getting this weird pain in my chest scaring myself but I’m sure its nothing, I’m a hypochondriac. I know this about me so its likely just a panic attack and I’m perpetuating it worrying about what and why I’m worried about it, I’m telling you its a math riddle I’m not even sure I could do the math and I’m the one who wrote the problem lol.

Anyway, I am proud of myself for making it though the monotony. If nothing else I’m always proud of myself even for just getting up as well as incredibly grateful I’m blessed to be here and breathe this air today.
I wanted to see if I could talk for a minute about the pain I’m experiencing. Maybe one of you has something similar, they all suck so in no particular order
MY HIP: Ok so there is a clear hierarchy on the pain in my body and hip decided to take point on this one. It feels as if there are electrical wires as my nerve endings and every time I hit it just right BLINDING pain. Its been this way for a while and will have me on the floor in a second if that hits. Nothing helps. Its been happening for over a year and my doc just throws up her hands and shrugs and says ‘that’s fibro?’ I get it but having been having extreme symptoms for over a year, maybe we try something else? She talked about shots and I’d consider it but I’ve read some not great things about it and I’m only putting myself through that if a higher percent of cases are a lot better.
Burning in palms and soles of feet: So this one is fairly new. I don’t know how else to explain it other than it feels like those, are they called thistles? Like soft thin thorns under my skin. It burns like poison. I don’t know what they are, but I can’t help but think this and the electrical shock pains seem like they could be the results of a pinched nerve

“Road Fog” by Ksenia Kudelkina/ CC0 1.0


THE FOG: The never ending roll after roll of thought stealing mist that is blanketing my area. I don’t think I can explain it better than that and I think if you get it my analogy would work well describing it. Simple words I have been saying all my life won’t come to mind when I need them. Under this header you can also find ‘walking into a room and having no idea why I went in there so I start doing something else, stay busy all day, and only remember when I’m laying down to sleep that I never got the thing I went in there to get. Often several times. Also, losing total track of your point minutes in to a conversation, like as you are speaking, the words evaporate like Thanos snapping his fingers. I heard a comedian’s description once and it was spot on. My brain hears some things it can’t properly process and decides to go on a little walk about. Yup, my brain doesn’t understand what its hearing so it gives up, only a short time later it catches up and wants to say something but the convo is already on something totally different.
The exhaustion: Like enough said. But its not just feeling tired all the time, its feeling tired of this or that. A lackadaisical why bother kind of vibe. I’m just so over everything.
Wide spread tender points: they all suck. Also super sensitive to tastes, smells, noise.

That’s just the fibro. We’ll talk more about mania tomorrow. Maybe. We’ll see if it pisses me off

How about you guys? Anyone have anything to add to the list? It sucks and I am proud of you for getting up and battling it. I’m going to crash, take care of yourself and each other.

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Can I just get it popped back to normal like Barbie?

JoLeave a comment

Guys, I’m sorry, yesterday was CRAZY. It was my birthday which I told you about, but we also had our kid’s track meet, which if you’ve never been (because I hadn’t been. Not sure if you could tell this about me but one might say I have the athleticism and grace of a newborn giraffe on roller skates, so I did not participate in sports in high school) takes about 4 years hours and involves a lot of time waiting for it to be your kid’s event while kids stomp up and down the bleachers and there’s at least 4 other kids screaming then a small handful with their heads together giggling while there’s conversations simultaneously in every direction and your brain seems to latch on to a single word from each one of them collectively making NO fucking sense, bu… GEORGE!

We have to have some ground rules Sir, this is not sustainable. I’m here to tell a story, to make someone laugh even for a minute. You can’t keep interrupting me, its rude and disrespectful of these poor folks time.

Anyway, so before we went I wanted to zone for a bit and I figured I’d do the lawn, nice and sunny and before the heat of the day. All week I knew where I was going to go for birthday dinner. I was going to say the name but if the wrong person reads it I could be liable, I’ll have to research that. We’ll just say it was a BBQ place that I had been looking forward to going to for two weeks, it wasn’t as good as I remembered. Well, so it was already a low spoon day, I thought mowing might ‘recharge’ me since it does help me mentally. It did not. So I was almost out before we got there, but you know the drill, you soldier on. Then I had to walk. I had to walk far. SO far guys. Then METAL bleachers! I mean the nope’s were piling up.

I’m on a new med because of the eye (I don’t know if I showed you but I have something like a stye on my eye and we are trying the meds for three months to see if it responds.) I was told it might make me a little more sensitive to the sun. I was ill prepared for that situation too as it turns out, but at least that was easily rectified as daughter had sunscreen. I applied it too late of course so I felt every inch of me tighten. NOT A GOOD PLAN AHEAD-ER. I did wear a hat so I was kind of prepared, however, I neglected to consider my neck would be exposed. So I didn’t apply sunscreen. So yeah, today was maybe a 11 on the pain scale today. I’m finally coming out of it, I can tell when I’m on the upswing, no more down, in the words of T-Pain ‘we goin up!’
I’m concerned about my hip. Its pretty well constant pain now, and I get these blinding white hot flashes that will knock me down, so I’ve been debating getting shots, I know people who have had positive effects and those that had negative effects. Also this convo, it was hubby and I talking about it for the fiftieth time

I don’t know why it hurts so bad

Could it have anything to do with how you sit?

Why? I just sit normal

DO YOU though?

(that was all pics from today but all the way I normally sit. I almost always sit with one of my feet under me and yeah he’s not wrong lol)
So today was a recovery day all in all it was good, just a bit too much pain for my liking. I did discover something dangerous yesterday. Braums has dreamsicle shakes! Well its just orange sherbet and vanilla ice cream they don’t call it dreamsicle, its just half vanilla and half sherbet shake.
After I was able to sit down tonight I just found myself staring blindly somewhere in the general vicinity of the tv, nothing really notable but gang, listen to your body. Follow its cues. It will leave you so much happier at the end of the day. No one can know how you feel but you. I read somewhere theres a good percentage of people who go through life without any headaches. Thats UNFATHOMABLE to me. I bet something that was a 2 or 3 on a spoonie’s pain scale would be a 10 to them, they’d probably think they were dying. We are all different, perceive things different, experience things different. Til next time gang, take care of yourself, and each other.

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Another day older and deeper in debt…

JoLeave a comment

Thats words from a song, but also quite true sometimes. I got up this morning with big plans, plans to take a deep dive into a topic I really wanted to share with you, plans that I just spaced once my ass hit the chair apparently. I’m doing this, I will be reading tomorrow and also planning time to do the research and writing I wanted to get done. I feel like I have so many ideas floating by my brain, every once in a while one breaks through the brain fog and I have it for like a minute and I’m making all these plans, then SQUIRREL

I feel like he’s going to be a mascot here. Should we name him? Does he look like a George to you too? ‘I will love him and squeeze him and call him George’ IYKYK

ANYWAY, damn it George, take off I’m trying to think here! I think I actually physically freeze now when faced with any type of decision, so yeah, thats new and not problematic AT ALL.

I sat here all day because I’m overwhelmed and this is as close as I can get to hiding in a little turtle shell rocking back and forth telling myself everything is fine. Its not, I’ll acknowledge that, it will be, and I acknowledge that too, its just a lot in the RIGHT NOW. Sometimes the best we can do is the best we can do.

My birthday is this week, which is very triggering and I’ll be crying over every cute commercial and it might have a lot to do with my freezing. I did do something today though, besides just getting out of bed, I put groceries away, did Duolingo. We are not going to be home on my birthday so I got some ribeyes and made them along with three different kinds of potatoes, because again, when facing decisions, I’m a mess lol. I don’t even know I’m doing it generally, it wasn’t until I sat down with my steak, twice baked, fries and roasted potatoes from the microwave on my plate and I was like, ok, well, at least I made the choice to not make anything else with it. Then my brain started its nonsense


DID you make a choice? It seems to me you didn’t give yourself any other options, so you just didn’t add other things to choose from. That means you made NO decisions.


See what I put up with? Ridiculous. I clearly made the choice not to give myself more choices to pick from. I combat these intrusive thoughts anywhere I can but they pop into my head without my control or consent making me feel worse and worse about myself. So after I let myself feel sorry for myself for like, a hot minute I took a nice Sunday afternoon nap, took a shower, and have been staring at this thing since about 5, so a good 3 hours of sitting here, writing a few words, erasing it, watching some fb reels, do a few surveys, remember what I intended to do. Open tabs to do them, oops, what was I doing? Where was I going?

DAMN IT GEORGE!

Just burst right into my train of thought like that!

Anyway, here I am. It wasnt an incredibly productive day but I did complete a few tasks and am ready to meet tomorrow just as bright eyed and bushy tailed as our buddy George. Things are happening behind the scenes and we’re figuring it out alone the way, trust the process. I tell myself that, but I’m going to lock it down and get shit done tomorrow (Today was a bad hip day too, the rain and moisture made it rough, and I haven’t finished telling you guys about the lingering effects from THAT whole ordeal, but its a convo for another day). Be kind to yourself, and each other and goodnight George 😉

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Gotta say it was a good day…

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Good evening (evening, evening, evening echoed the void). Some days joy abounds in the crazy ups and downs on this wild ride, other days its about getting by. I woke not expecting anything great, and boy did I live up to those expectations lol. It was a good day though. I learned a lot working on some other projects and I got several products I designed on the Etsy site. Worried myself sick over things I could do nothing about. Immediately forgot why I was panicking mid panic, then just when my breath went back to normal remembering what it was and working myself up into a really good panic before forgetting AGAIN. Cycle repeated at least four times until I dug the heel of my hands into my eyes. I swear I wasted at least the better part of two hours frozen in the repeated jump scare. Laughed at a ton of crazy cat videos. Had some pizza.

I don’t feel like I accomplished much but what did I do most of the day? I laid down for not even an hour. Had plenty of ideas for future projects. This is the grabby hands phase of my mania. Gimme gimme gimme, give me ALL the side quests so I don’t have to face what I’ve been avoiding. Gimme gimme gimme money for all of these side quests, Gimme gimme gimme all the praise for these JACKPOT amazeballs ideas. Greedy as all get out and tripping over my own feet trying not to be such a narcissist and only think about myself, actively get angry at myself thus directing all my own attention to trying not to be a narcissist, which is like, the definition of being a narcissist. I’ve exhausted my brain and once I do that my body soon follows. I think today is the last REALLY bad storm threat so maybe the air pressure will regulate. Til tomorrow friends, stay kind to yourselves and each other.