At some point, without your consent, you were promoted to CEO of Existing, Inc.
You did not apply for this role.
You do not remember interviewing.
There is no HR department.
There are no sick days.
But somehow, every basic human task now requires a full-scale operational strategy.
Example: Leaving the House
This is no longer “put on shoes and go.”
This is now a multi-phase initiative involving:
Phase 1: Forecasting
You must analyze projected variables, including but not limited to:
- Current pain levels
- Predicted pain levels
- Weather (your nemesis)
- Duration of outing
- Availability of seating
- Distance from parking to destination
- Whether the building was designed by someone who hates humanity
Phase 2: Resource Allocation
You assemble supplies like you’re preparing for a polar expedition:
- Medications
- Water
- Backup medications
- Emotional support snacks
- Backup emotional support snacks in case the first emotional support snacks fail emotionally
- Phone charger
- Backup charger because betrayal is everywhere
Phase 3: Contingency Planning
You must prepare for possible catastrophic scenarios such as:
- Unexpected stairs
- No seating
- Loud environments
- Temperature extremes
- Your body suddenly filing a formal complaint
This includes identifying exit strategies and recovery plans.
Phase 4: Risk Assessment
You ask yourself critical executive-level questions such as:
- Is this worth tomorrow’s consequences?
- Will Future Me be furious?
- Am I about to ruin Thursday by attempting Tuesday?
Phase 5: Executive Override
Despite all data suggesting this is a terrible idea, you go anyway because you are a human being who would like to participate in your own life occasionally.
Bold. Visionary. Reckless.
Deliverables
Upon completion of this task, you will receive:
- Extreme fatigue
- A flare
- Zero financial compensation
- And the overwhelming sense that you just completed something equivalent to summiting Everest, but everyone else calls it “running an errand”
Performance Review
You will be evaluated by:
- Your nervous system
- Your immune system
- Your guilt
- And society, which will say, “But you don’t look sick.”
Mission Statement of Existing, Inc.:
To successfully complete one (1) task without accidentally destroying the rest of the week.
